I want to emphasize that a transactional attitude toward relationships is itself inherently pathological. Someone with this attitude will always either feel resentful that they aren't getting a better "deal" in the relationship or anxiety that the other person feels that way about them.

It's complicated. A lot of virgin guys have pedestalizing attitudes, and it means they are alredy transactional AND think the price to pay for the transaction is enormous, like you must be a world-champion hero and bring her the Moon for birthday to deserve her

... (read more)
[anonymous]5y0

Is there some further info about the concept of "transactional attitudes in relationships" ? I tried to google it, little avail. I would like to know more about it, because IMHO some amount of transactionality is inherent (even in friendships, people will not give forever without getting anything in return), and it sort of makes sense from the different libido of the two genders that the major exchange is women giving sex, men giving something else, but probably too much short-termist attitude in that (expecting instant repayment instead of an on... (read more)

1Epictetus5yWell, it's complicated. There are several different problems that lead to one being a 25 year-old virgin and what works in one case need not work in another. Sex surrogates are a thing and have been used to help people overcome certain inhibitions and anxieties. I have heard anecdotes of some people getting a similar benefit from prostitution. On the other hand, others have expressed regret at stooping to prostitution. Caveat emptor. Some people have more fundamental social problems or harbor toxic attitudes and for them it's not likely to work. I think you're mixing it up with Nice Guy syndrome. The pedestal concept is the observation that a lot of these men have an unrealistic view of women as pure, virtuous beings, which ends up inhibiting their ability to form meaningful relationships. Honestly, it's hard for a virgin in his 20s to develop a non-pathological attitude without stumbling upon it through pure chance. What attitude he does develop is born of inexperience and distorted by the lens of whatever problem led to him remaining a virgin in the first place.

Open thread, Apr. 01 - Apr. 05, 2015

by MrMind 1 min read31st Mar 2015180 comments

5


If it's worth saying, but not worth its own post (even in Discussion), then it goes here.


Notes for future OT posters:

1. Please add the 'open_thread' tag.

2. Check if there is an active Open Thread before posting a new one. (Immediately before; refresh the list-of-threads page before posting.)

3. Open Threads should be posted in Discussion, and not Main.

4. Open Threads should start on Monday, and end on Sunday.