Cognitive reframing is a powerful psychological technique that encourages subtle shifts in perspective, which can result in more positive and empowering interpretations to help challenge everyday negative thoughts and behaviors.

First I’ll tell the story of how I accidentally discovered cognitive reframing on my own, then I’ll define what the technique is, state why it’s useful (particularly for recurring challenges), provide a quick method for getting started (while addressing its limitations), and lastly, explain how using it can increase Emotional Intelligence.

Stumbling my way into wisdom

When I was 19 years old I injured my leg in an accident. At that time, much of my identity was centered around being an athlete. So not only did the injury hurt physically, but the shock to my ego—that I can no longer play sports—caused me immense grief because I was suddenly living without much purpose. What I failed to see was that these were actually two separate events:

1. Fact → I got injured.
2. Interpretation → I feel worthless because I’ve lost a central component of my identity.

What saved me from my psychological pain was one day hearing Navy Seal Jocko Willink say the following: “Got injured? Good. You needed a break from training.” Upon first hearing this, I was skeptical. This is how 19-year-old me processed Jocko’s idea over time:

“Why would getting injured ever be good?? My body hurts and I’m disabled. This is stupid!”

[Time passes]

“Why would I need a break from training? Hmm, well, most of my free time before getting injured was spent pursuing athletic endeavors. With all this extra time I now have…I guess it’s ultimately just more time to wallow in self-pity. What a fun break.”

[Time passes]

“I’m injured and I’m depressed. Yet, strangely, I’m getting bored of feeling sorry for myself and existing in this perpetual state of melancholy…”

[Time passes]

“I’m injured. I can’t change that fact. But I might as well do something with my spare time since athletics is off the table. Well, what could I do that’s not physical in nature? I could devote more time to my academic career, I could compose more music, I could pick a book to learn something, I could…”

[A year passes by and I do all the aforementioned non-physical things]

“Wow, I’m glad I got injured. It gave me the opportunity to become more than just a one-dimensional jock. I suppose I did need a break from training.”

(Only years later did I realize that my teenage-self was in the process of discovering an already established psychological technique known as cognitive reframing. Turns out that psychologists have been promoting this technique under the evidence-based treatment of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for decades.)

Cognitive reframing

So what is it?

When any event occurs in my life, two distinct things happen:

1. I can describe the event with objective facts.
   1. Example: my boss gave me some constructive feedback.
2. I construct a subjective interpretation of the event’s facts.
   1. Example: his feedback makes me fear that I’m underperforming and perhaps my job is at risk.

While the facts of an event are immutable, cognitive reframing encourages me to recognize that I am not stuck with my initial reaction—I have the ability to consciously choose how to interpret an event.

Why is it useful?

Not every reaction I have to life is accurate or beneficial, even if it contains a kernel of truth.

So in the case of my boss giving me constructive feedback, I could feel fearful of being fired. Or I could choose to see it as an opportunity to demonstrate to my boss that I’m capable of incorporating his feedback to improve.

While cognitive reframing helps me reinterpret individual events, its true power becomes evident when applied to recurring situations. Many of my emotional responses are shaped by repeated experiences, and by consciously reframing them, I can break free from my negative patterns—as shown in my next example.

How can it help with recurring challenges?

The following scenario was common for me while growing up:

My father would sometimes yell at me when I was trying to be helpful. This made me upset and I shut down. To cope with the negative feeling, I ate junk food.

I was able to overcome this negative experience by recognizing that my default reaction (of internalized helplessness) was not set in stone—so I resolved to react differently. 

Instead of shutting down in fear, I started thinking: if he doesn’t want my help, that’s his problem. After I practiced reacting this way a few times, his immaturity ceased bothering me. And because that experience no longer upset me, I didn’t need to cope with eating junk food anymore.

Another frequent and annoying experience is babies crying on planes. While I’m powerless to stop the noise, I do have control of my reaction.

I solved this problem by cognitively reframing the situation to imagine that the source of the noise was actually that plant-thing from Harry Potter. After practicing this dozens of times over the years, nowadays my automatic reaction to babies crying is snickering to myself.

From my life experiences, I developed a simple two-question method for managing my negative emotions (which, again, turns out was just me independently discovering what cognitive reframing is).

It’s easy to start using cognitive reframing

I start by asking myself these two questions:

1. Why does “X” bother me?
2. Why am I allowing “X” to bother me?

The first question prompts me to reflect on the initial emotions I felt in response to an event. The second question, crucially, forces me to become aware that my initial reaction doesn’t have to be my final interpretation.

Here’s an example of how I've applied the two-question method to getting dumped in a relationship:

1. “Getting broken up with bothers me because now I’ll never be happy!”
2. “Well, I suppose that I can choose how to react. Instead of wallowing in self-pity, I can use my pain to motivate myself to analyze where things went wrong, and then go become a better version of myself to impress the next woman I meet.”

Limitations

Cognitive reframing is a powerful tool for managing everyday challenges. I would be remiss, however, if I didn’t acknowledge that it has its limitations, particularly for individuals facing deeper psychological issues such as trauma or clinical depression. In such cases, cognitive reframing can be a helpful supplement but may not replace professional therapy, which provides structured guidance and support. 

Additionally, people in ongoing dangerous situations (e.g., domestic abuse) would benefit more from removing themselves from their environment, rather than trying to cognitively reframe their circumstance.

But when used in the appropriate contexts (of contesting everyday negative thoughts and behaviors), it’s an excellent tool for increasing Emotional Intelligence.

How using it increases Emotional Intelligence

Psychologist Aaron Beck (the founder of CBT) has emphasized the importance of restructuring thought patterns to improve emotional regulation. My own experience aligns with this, as applying cognitive reframing has helped me develop greater emotional intelligence—at least in the way that author Jonathan Haidt defines it in his book The Happiness Hypothesis:

Emotional Intelligence: an ability to understand and regulate one’s own feelings and desires

By consistently practicing cognitive reframing, I’ve gained the ability to navigate challenges with greater emotional flexibility. While not a cure-all, it’s a valuable tool that allows me to actively reshape my experiences, instead of remaining a slave to my initial reactions.