Prologue

 

"What should we name him?"
"Eldore."
"What type of stupid name is that?!"
"Eldore sounds like Elder, and, it's better than my other name for him."
"And what is that?"
"Dumb Le Door."
"Ack, you're right. Let's call him Eldore."

 

Eldore becomes the Director of a Magical School called Hogwarter while battling this really annoying wizard named Moldevort (Full name: Tom Marvolo Riddle, nickname: Voldy Moldy).

And one day, Voldy vanishes. He is said to be killed by the rebound of a curse, when he sent it at a baby name Airy Otter. Eldore had no idea what the parents were thinking when they named their child. 

Immediately after Voldy vanished, Eldore realized that he wasn't as dead as people thought he was. He also realized why he wasn't really dead. So he began his journey of collecting things to actually kill Tom Riddle. He only needed to wait until the baby Airy Otter grew up...


Airy Meets Eldore and Realizes He can Break the Laws of Physics

 

The house shook in the storm, lightning cracked through the sky, rain beat the roof.

The door flew open, hinges breaking, frame rattling. 

And came the shout: "YOU ARE A WIZARD, AIRY!!!"

"What's that?" being raised in an abusive household and living mostly in the cupboard, Airy had not read a single fiction book. 

"Well, do you know the Laws of Physics?" asked the figure in the doorway. Silver hair whipping around his face, half-moon glasses twinkled, bright pink robes shone. 

"Yeah, I went to school. A lot."

"WONDERFUL!!! Well, a wizard is a person who can break the laws of physics!"

"Oh really?! But... that's impossible! I've tried so many times!"

"That's because you don't have all the stuff or knowledge! That's why you're going to this magical school called Hogwarter!"

"Oh geez! That's sounds fun! Let's go!"

"HEY YOU AIN'T GOIN ANYWHERE!" Vernon, still in the corner, began talking.

"You're scared of us." Eldore stated plainly. "Shut up."

Vernon shrank back into his corner, giving up.


Eldore Tells Airy of Voldemort and His Horcruxes

 

Day 2, Hogwarts, the day after the feast.

"Airy!" called Professor Mynerves McGonegull. "AAAIRYY!"

"HAHAHA" came laughter from deep down the hallway. Drakon Malfboy fell over, overcome with the hilariousness of the name. 

"AIRY OTTER! COME OUT NOW!"

The scarred boy stumbled out from his hiding place, pushed by his new friend Rrrrr Weasel.

"Yeah?" came his quiet voice.

"The Headmaster is asking for you, Airy."

"Please don't repeat my name any more than needed..."

"Sorry, Airy."

Airy rolled his eyes and began walking. 

"Airy, the office is in the other direction."

"Oops." he turned around.

At the fork in the hall he turned around again. "Professor Mynerves Mcgonegull? Where do I go now?"

Mynerves Mcgonegull sighed. "Airy, follow me."

--

"Shut the door when you leave, please, Minerves."

"Right."

She left, and they were left alone in the office.

--

"Airy. I have something to tell you." said the Headmaster.

"I'm listening?"

"Wonderful. Did you know that the reason your parents died was because they were killed by an evil wizard?"

"I thought they died in a car crash?"

"Nope. The evil wizard - Voldy Moldy - killed them. When he tried to kill you, the curse bounced back, and killed him instead. Or so everyone thought. He was actually reduced to a floating spirit, and I'm pretty sure he took over our Defense against the Dark Arts professor, Squirrell. But he won't bother you yet, because right now he's trying to defeat the murder games I set in place on the third floor of the castle. 

Anyway, the reason Voldy is alive is because he used these magical objects called 'horcruxes'. They basically keep his soul alive. He only made seven, though. And I have them all here."

"Emm... What do you mean 'take over'? What's a curse? What's a floating spirit? Who's our Defense against the Dark Arts professor, Squirrell?"

"Take over means that you take their mind and replace it with your mind. So the person looks the same but they are a different person. A curse is basically an evil spell. A floating spirit - basically a soul without a body. Squirrell is a teacher, and Defense against the Dark Arts is a subject."

"What's a spell?"

"A spell is a thing you use to break the laws of physics. Also, how do you know what a soul is?"

"History. Gods and that stuff."

"Oh. Anyway, here's a sword. I'd like you to take it and break all these objects, since I can't!"

"Why can't you?"

Eldore thought about it. "You're right." taking the sword back from the boy, he brought it down in six quick smashes. Teacups smashed and diadems crumbled. A diary spurted ink everywhere. 

Airy knew how to count though... "There's only six! Where's the seventh?"

"You, Airy."

"Me?"

"You heard me right. Here, I need to cast the Abracadabra spell on you, this will be easy."

"The what spell?"

"Abracadabra - it's the spell Voldy originally used on you when he failed to kill you. He kills everyone with it."

"Won't it kill me?"

"Nah, it will only destroy the horcrux part of you. Whatever. Try not to dodge."

ABRACADABRA!

Airy fell over. Then he got up. "I'm alive? I'm alive?! I'M ALIVE!!! YAY!!!"

Mynerves walked in "Of course you're alive, Airy. Our school tries not to kill students. Or anyone."

"Get out, Mynerves. You're getting on my nerves."

She huffed and walked out the door. Eldore waited for a couple seconds, then walked towards it and yanked it open. Mynerves fell into the room. 

Eldore raised his eyebrows "Really?"

"I'm sorry, you were talking about Moldy, I wanted to hear."

"Actually, thanks for reminding me, I need to call him."

"WHAT?!"

"You heard me. I think I can kill him."

Then he shut the door and locked it. 

"HEY!" came Mynerves' muffled shout from the other side of the door.

Eldore took out his phone. "Hey, Airy, do you know Voldy's phone number?"

"Why would I?"

"Maybe he implanted it in your brain, along with the horcrux."

Airy concentrated. "Riiight! I know it, it's 666-666-6666"

"That's unoriginal."

"At least it fits, since it's the Number of the Beast. He's definitely a beast." Airy paused. "According to what you say at least. Actually, why should I believe you?"

"Because he killed a whole bunch of people. Duh!"

"...Aren't you going to kill him, too?"

"The sacrifice of one, good is brought to all. Don't question this, Airy, you've done enough. You must be tired after coming back from the dead."

Somnium 
Came Eldore's quiet whisper, and Airy yawned "Yeah I guess I'm very tired." 

He fell onto the couch as Eldore dialed Voldy's number. 

Moldy picked up after the third ring. "How dare you call me at this ungodly hour in the morning?! And, at the beginning of the year! You know I wait until the end of the year to try and kill anyone! DUH!"

"Whatever. I challenge you to a duel! To the death!"

"Ha you think you can beat me?!"

"I do."

"LOLOLOL LMAO ROFL" shouted Voldy and slammed the phone down. Realizing something, he picked it up and said into it "In an hour, okay?" and slammed it back down.

--

Darkness curled on the horizon as the Dark Lord approached. Pausing right in front of the barrier, his wand flicked up and the ancient shields shattered. 

"With that kind of power, how come Voldy Moldy didn't win the war in the first ten seconds?" asked Harmony Ranger. 

"Because he was extremely dumb." answered Mood Weird Eye. 

--

Tom Marvolo Riddle flew straight through the castle, walls shattering in his wake. 

Eldore stood up as the door disintegrated. 

"You called?" said the Dark Lord.


Eldore Is Good at Dodging. Moldy Sucks Big Time.

 

The Dark Lord pointed his wand at Eldore. "Abracadabra

Eldore dodged.

Moldy kept firing the same spell over and over again, and every time, he missed.

Fox (Fawkes) the Phoenix laughed. 

Phoenixes, and most other animals, can laugh. So Fox laughed and laughed. The next spell hit the bird. 

In a flash of green flames, Fox died. Eldore knew this wouldn't permanently kill Fox, but he would have to wait for a day or two until he was reborn, instead of the usual hour or two. 

Even though its owner was dead, the laughter hung in the air. And while Moldy listened, flabbergasted, at the giggling, guffawing, and gleeful snorting, Eldore aimed his wand. 

A B R A C A D A B R A !  !   !

Green, pure electrifying green, emeralds in starlight, the luck in the clovers, middle of the rainbow after the storm, erupted, pouring, fizzing, out of the Elder Wand. 

Moldevort spread his arms out, reaching towards the light. 

"YOU CAN'T KILL ME ANYWAY!!!"

And then he felt it. His soul, whole, quivering in his chest. It did not want to die. It did not want to get torn up and ripped into shreds. He realized what the smoking, broken objects were on the table behind Eldore. He realized why the boy - Airy - was knocked out on the couch.

This was the moment he realized that he had been extremely stupid. 

He could have  - could, but did not - throw his horcruxes into an active volcano. Down the Mariana trench. Into space, on whatever rocket had gone there recently. Into the stratosphere. Bury it somewhere. Make so many it would take a person three hundred lifetimes to find them, and another one to break them all!

He could have, and should have, but noooo.

He was a real, complete, obviously total... Imbecile.

Green echoed in his faded eyes, on his teeth, in a mouth open in an eternal scream. On his wand, never to see its master again. Through the room. 

Eldore was crying. Those were tears of remorse. In memory of the young Tom Riddle, with his whole life in front of him. In destroying last hope that the Darkness will turn on the Light, and will become good again. In hope that this world will be better than the last. 

Eldore smiled. These were tears of joy. An endless war, ending with a bang, only to find out they weren't done. Preparations and years of training. And for it to end with a single spell. A day after he came back to world of the living.

They hadn't needed to wait for so long. Oh, he was so sorry. So sorry that he hadn't thought to do this all ten years ago. 

He wiped away his tears. They were tears of hope. Hope for forgiveness, for he had finally done what he needed to. 

Thank my lucky stars. 

Eldore opened the window. Breathed in the fresh air. 

"Goodbye, Tom Marvolo Moldevort Riddle. Your reign has come to an end."

 

 

Thank you: Floccinaucinihilipilification for making all of those funny Dumbledore comics.

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