cube_flipper

The following post discusses my personal experience of the phenomenology of feminising hormone therapy. It will also touch upon my own experience of gender dysphoria. I wish to be clear that I do not believe that someone should have to demonstrate that they experience gender dysphoria – however one might even define that – as a prerequisite for taking hormones. At smoothbrains.net, we hold as self-evident the right to put whatever one likes inside one's body; and this of course includes hormones, be they androgens, estrogens, or exotic xenohormones as yet uninvented. I have gender dysphoria. I find labels overly reifying; I feel reluctant to call myself transgender, per se: when prompted to state my gender identity or preferred pronouns, I fold my hands into the dhyana mudra and state that I practice emptiness on the concept of gender. Mostly people seem to vibe it, but sometimes it feels a little like weasel words. Other times, when I'm in a sillier mood, I'll tell people I'm genderfluid – if only because it sounds like something I'd put in my station wagon. Of course, my faithful Subaru Outback was made before 2008, which means it wants the green, long-life genderfluid... I experience an ongoing brain-body map prediction error – my brain seems to expect a differently shaped body to the one I wound up with. I have been acutely aware of this since before I hit puberty. Out of shame and embarassment, I suppressed this, but I also made a promise to myself that if I hadn't come out by the time I turned thirty then I was allowed to get as weird as I needed to. During the COVID-19 pandemic I went through a phase of using self-administered ketamine therapy to refactor a long list of maladaptive behavioural patterns, and eventually this particular issue became impossible to ignore. I had avoided reifying it for long enough, and this wasn't working for me – I had to try something different. One evening in July 2021, I sat down w