Clearer Introduction. It was hard for me to assess whether your submission was a good fit for the site due to its length and that the opening didn’t seem to explain the overall goal of your submission. Your first couple paragraphs should make it obvious what the main point of your post is, and ideally gesture at the strongest argument for that point. It's helpful to explain why your post is relevant to the LessWrong audience.
(For new users, we require people to state the strongest single argument in the post within the introduction, to make it easier to evaluate at a glance whether it's a good fit for LessWrong)
LessWrong has a particularly high bar for content from new users and this contribution doesn't quite meet the bar. (We have a somewhat higher bar for approving a user's first post or comment than we expect of subsequent contributions.)

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