When people disagree about a decision, they are either disagreeing about 1) the information they have, 2) what they value, or both.

As a child, I noticed a lot of the disagreements children had, were over what was "better". Decisions like which board game to play, which movie to watch, or what food to eat came down to who could convince most of the group of what was "better". The problem was that there usually wasn't a clear winner for anything. How do you decide if Pokemon is better than Dragon Ball Z? I eventually realised that "better" actually just meant "I feel like doing this", and the reasons which followed didn't matter much at all. It seemed like a terrible way to come to group decisions, but I decided I could just avoid disagreements until I was older. Surely adults had a better way of doing this, right?

The Framework

Disagreements are either about 1) the information each party has, 2) what the parties value, or both. When people disagree about something, they haven't yet found the core of their disagreement and often debate points separate from it. People should never agree to disagree. The key to resolving a disagreement is to understand if there is either a gap in values or information.

Values

People who value different things in a decision are more likely to have different goals, which means they're more likely to disagree.

Imagine you're deciding where to eat dinner with a friend. You think the Thai place down the road is really good and suggest you eat there, meanwhile, your friend has recently discovered a new Italian place they think is better. "My place has a larger menu," you say. "Sure, but mine is better value for money," says your friend. You go back and forth, debating travel time, atmosphere, and novelty amongst other things but still ending in a stalemate.

This is a disagreement of values. You might value variety in a menu, short travel times, and a more casual vibe over the things which your friend values - good value, an upscale atmosphere, and a more novel experience. You might even just feel like Thai tonight.

It's very hard to change what someone values, and almost impossible in a short period of time. This means value-based disagreements are best resolved by finding an option that satisfies what all parties value. It's hard to do this when all parties are optimising for many variables, but if you can reduce it to the one or two most i...

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