CptDrMoreno

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Babble challenge: 50 ways of hiding Einstein's pen for fifty years

3 minutes late, but significantly more coherent.

Keep in pocket. Bury it. Lock it away. Hide inside a belt buckle. Hide inside large public statue. Submerge underwater. Hide in taxidermized fish wall mount. Hide inside hollow brick at home. Hide in the roof, no one ever looks up. Entrust to neighbors. Entrust to local priest. Cut part of one foot and hide pen inside prosthetic. Push it through someone's nose Homer Simpson style. If I know where I'll sell it to him, bury nearby. Research if there's a way to get in jail and keep the pencil (and hopefully something to write on and another pencil, so as to not appear suspicious). Use tree shaping to grow tree around metal box containing pen. Use knowledge of the future to amass money and personnel. Buy (through cut-outs) massive amounts of similar pens. Dye pen. Switch one of the pieces so that it looks different, hopefully a piece that can be hidden inside the actual pen. Hide fake pens (maybe the real one with low probability) inside buried safes. Hide fake pieces inside all the fake pens so they're still indistinguishable. Spread misinformation among enemies. Spread disinformation among enemies. Infiltrate enemies, generate goose searches. Infiltrate enemies, fully subvert them. Use passwords that can be decrypted but will divert significant enemy resources. Entrust fake pens to allied organizations without telling them. Make a ballpark guess on the value of Einstein's knowledge, minus whatever parts I can reconstruct by memory, multiply by two and ask that much for the pen. Give fake pen anyways. Travel all over the world, dropping fake pens as a means to divert enemy resources. Switch places with agent through gruesome WWI plastic surgery in case I'm caught and tortured for the pen. hide fake pens inside all of my belongings. Leak fake information about my retirement, again switch places with agent, except now the real one is still working and the fake one is going undercover. Hire agents through cut-outs to steal the pen, ultimately making it come back to me to test for information leaks and weaknesses. Execute dummy plans that are just regular enterprises to divert suspicion. Stage fake destruction of the pen in case it ever comes close to being captured and the enemy needs it rather than wants to destroy it. Feign defeat if one of the fake pens is particularly convincing. Disappear enemy agents who come for the pen and establish fake searches for them to make the enemy think the agent has the pen. Keep multiple fake pens on my person. Sometimes keep none but have someone with multiple fake pens nearby. Make advertisement campaigns to make pens a more palatable fashion accessory. Create agencies tasked with keeping track of particular sets of pens. One day just go innawoods for a while with little preparation and without telling anyone for a few years, may or may not have pen. Bury some pens while I'm at it. Bury some extra pens in places where major WWI battles will take place so they can't be checked for a while. Research where the identity of the pen itself lies, Ship of Theseus shenanigans are sure to arise. If enemy is human organization (I've been assuming so for most of this but whatever) spread disinformation about them and make them public enemies. Research artifacts that can be built using all the parts from the pen. Research how the pen is supposed to cause the writing of the papers, if replacements are possible, how much I can change the pen, etc. Hide in sock under mattress.

Babble challenge: 50 ways to escape a locked room

Got really dumb towards the end but made it in time.

Lie and tell my captors the launch codes can only be input by me.

Just give my captors the launch codes, hope the room can whitstand a nuclear blast.

Stream myself for long enough that it is obvious I don't require sustenance, negotiate my rescue with any governments interested in studying me.

Outlast the room.

Stage an elaborate fake suicide in front of the cameras, the guards will be so enchanted by my performance they'll switch to my side and let me escape.

Stage an elaborate fake suicide in front of the cameras, when the guards come check on me, inform them I have come back from the dead as the second coming of Christ.

Stage an elaborate fake suicide in front of the cameras, when the guards come check on me, kill myself for real, escaping both the room and reality.

Blink, causing SCP-173 to snap my neck.

Pretend to kill SCP-173 then fall asleep but actually keep watch on SCP-173, when the guards come check out if SCP-173 is dead, throw sand in their eyes and hope 173 goes for them first.

Convince the guards that as an angel who needs no sustenance, I will outlive them all, and if they don't cooperate right now, I'll make sure they don't go to heaven.

Stream myself for long enough to prove my phone can somehow hold a charge for more than a few hours, wait for the Samsung strike teams.

Write a book about why I should be let out, convincing my captors.

Spend my days punching a single point on the wall, until I suffer brain death through sheer lack of stimulus.

Write a short program to call for every single delivery service in existence to deliver me something simultaneously, the sheer mass of delivery men fooling my captors into thinking an army has come for me.

Troll everyone at MIRI constantly so as to increase the chances of paperclip maximizers to disassemble the room.

Troll high ranking military men, so as to trigger a Strangelove scenario (I.E. they unilaterally initiate nuclear Armageddon, hopefully disassembling the room).

Try to foster unsanitary practices all around the globe through social media, and thus trigger a pandemic that hopefully makes whatever organization is keeping me locked to collapse.

Download photo manipulation apps, take a picture of the room through the security camera's perspective, Photoshop in some gods, put the phone screen in front of the camera, convince the guards to let me out.

Just code the damn friendly AI myself.

Just code the damn unfriendly AI myself.

Use the photo manipulation software to make a picture of myself with a nuclear device, upload the Facebook with the caption "Yanks won't know what hit 'em" in russian, with the metadata intact.

Unlock the window, walk out.

Unlock the window, smash thru anyways.

Unlock the window, stay inside. I'm not locked anymore, and therefore free.

Hire PMC to get me out.

Hire two PMCs to get me out and kill the other, so as to pay neither.

Hire all PMCs to get me out, rid the world of private military companies altogether.

Run for election, win, declare my captivity illegal.

Use the presumably gigantic 10 year phone battery as a battering ram.

Instantly explode into a gigantic cloud of ATP particles, smashing the room open.

look for suitable targets online, hypnotize them into believing they're me, use "memory recovery" techniques to implant my memories into theirs.

Cross my fingers and hope future humanity can revive me after the room is long gone.

Ask politely to leave.

Ask impolitely to leave.

Remove my stomach and use it's acids to melt through the door hinges, hope future medicine can give me a new one before my 10 years are up.

Campaign heavily for anti-environmental policy, triggering acid rains that hopefully melt the roof of my room.

Wake up.

REALLY wake up.

Create a simulation in which I exist and am free.

Create a simulation in which I exist and am more trapped, making me feel more free by comparison.

Threaten to kill myself if I'm not freed, continuing on in the universes in which the threat was successful.

Claim to have evidence that could prove Epstein didn't kill himself, hopefully elude the assassins sent to silence me.

Threaten to fix known cognitohazards if I'm not freed.

Just unleash the cognitohazards, escape in the confusion.

Just unleash the cognitohazards, get rewarded with revival by the resulting AI.

Convince religious zealots to 9/11 the room.

Convince conservative zealots to killdozer the room.

Download a bunch of child porn, hopefully leading the FBI to my location.

Yell really loudly until I'm killed.