TRUE

I think suspending moral agency is the wrong move. You say that not suspending it invites feelings of disappointment and disgust. I think those feelings are where you’ll gain the most by challenging. Why those feelings and not others?

I used to have issues doing chores; for example, I would regularly let my laundry pile up on the floor while my hamper sat next to the dryer full of all of the clean clothes I didn’t want to hang. It took me many years to overcome this, and for most of it I wasn’t trying to. At the time, it felt like quite the large nail in my head.

Was the solution a habit tracking app that gave reminders? Nope! I just ignored the reminders. Was it having others hold me accountable? Nope! I just got used to disappointing them with regard to it until they stopped trying to help. And so on, with many long stretches of not-trying in between. But one day, the feeling arose that “I should really remove this damn nail from my head,” and it was gone forever (or, so far). Importantly, that was maybe the thousandth time I had that exact feeling!

When I look back at myself at that time, I don’t feel disappointment or disgust, or the desire to view my past self like a cat (with regard to that context). Instead I feel curiosity—what were all the things going on over that time that I didn’t see? What emotional work was I doing that got me to finally remove the nail? Why couldn’t I remove it sooner? And those are some questions that bring me a feeling of kindness.