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Friendship is Optimal: A My Little Pony fanfic about an optimization process

Does it increase readership?

I don't know, but I'd expect it to; I could possibly elaborate. I'd also expect it to increase reader enjoyment and leave a stronger impression afterward.

Is it some sort of SEO trick? Because it doesn't sound like a better name otherwise.

Fic titles that word-substitute the original title signal either parody or amateurism to me. I notice Iceman isn't prefacing it with "My Little Pony :", though, so that's something (and possibly a leg up on my suggestion).

"Friendship is Optimal" makes the Less Wronger in me ask "Optimal for what?". It sounds like moral realism.

I don't get why.

It seems like a typical person forced to write the utility function that would shape the rest of history would take things a little (edit: I did say a little) more seriously. I'm only speaking from the summary; I don't know any later context.

Thanks for the feedback.

Friendship is Optimal: A My Little Pony fanfic about an optimization process

Likewise, I'd like to see a less mundane first line; something that puts some superstimulus up front before the necessary mundane parts, like MoR does. Something like:

"The girl who would (some spoiler here) sat down..."

Or:

"(length of time) before the death of the last living human, Rebecca sat down..."

And instead of sitting down, something that jumps right into conflict or strong emotion. Profanity seems a good cheat for that. Like "...Rebecca was glaring at her screen. 'Are you fucking kidding me?'", or "...Rebecca was enjoying the worst fucking raffle prize in history."

I could be full of crap, so I'm hoping for feedback on my feedback.

Friendship is Optimal: A My Little Pony fanfic about an optimization process

First: For the formal release, I hope you're planning to follow the show and HPMoR in serializing it and posting just one chapter a week at an identical time. You could lock the Google Docs copy.

Posting some early and/or superficial thoughts. TW for sarcasm and ableism.

Is the title negotiable? I like the ring of "AI Ponies: Magic is Optimization".

The summary seems important, since you have to stand out in an ocean of bad fics (even featured ones) and pull a prospective reader from zero to nonzero involvement.

Hanna, the CEO

Doesn't a CEO merit a surname?

of Hofvarpnir Studios, just won the contract to write the official My Little Pony MMO.

Why are they called Hofvarpnir if they had nothing to do with ponies before?

She had better hurry; a US military contractor is developing weapons based on her artificial intelligence technology, which just may destroy the world.

Be Hanna. Singlehandedly create world-destroying technology while grunts are busy making licensed crap for corporate overlords. Give technology to military contractor. Crap, you just gave world-destroying technology to a military contractor! What do? Hasbro awards MMO contract. Yes! With this MMO contract you can save the world!

I know it has to be concise, but it seems a little disjointed. Also, how does "AI technology" differ from an AI itself just waiting to be run? What kind of weapons do you develop from that?

Hanna has built an A.I. Princess Celestia

So disregard the last sentence, the race is already won?

and given her one basic drive: to satisfy values

Her values are to satisfy values?

through friendship and ponies.

Is Hanna an autistic savant of some kind?

I'm glad other people have talked about punching up the prologue; it was quite the slow start when I looked at it earlier. I may or may not comment more later.

Friendship is Optimal: A My Little Pony fanfic about an optimization process

...Okay, I was wrong about coming back soon. I'm way behind on some work, and by letting myself feel obligated to give good critique I've turned reading the fic into work. Sorry.

Friendship is Optimal: A My Little Pony fanfic about an optimization process

I have stuff to do right now, but I'm hoping to come back soon and post my thoughts so far. The blurb and the first few paragraphs make me cringe at the thought of this being posted more widely in its present state.