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I think 'embarrassing' is a keyword here. The first thing I thought, on the several occasions that I made mistakes, was "oh my god did I just kill someone... Phew, no, no harm done." The second thought was "oh my god, my preceptor will think I'm stupid forever and she'll never respect me and no one wants me around, I'm not good enough..." This line of thought never goes anywhere good. It says something about me, though, that "I'm not good enough" is very directly connected to people wanting me around, to belonging somewhere. For several personality-formative years of my life, people didn't want me around. Probably for good reason; my ten-year-old self was prickly and socially inept and miserable. I think a lot of my determination not to seek status comes from the "uncool kids trying to be cool are pathetic" meme that was so rampant when I was in sixth grade.

Hi, I don't have any experience with LW talk and I don't want to diagnose from afar. But I have had similiar experienced though and I found out that:

A. It was a fear of the denial itself. So I could not work with it by rationalizing. Because the "reasons" were only triggers, not the Source.

B. It was strongly connected with me not being I. In the sense that I could not stand up for my self and put my needs above the needs of others.

Maybe it's helpful. Your post gives a lot of insight, and helps me review certain parts of my current life. Thanks for that.