"it will have conscious observers in it if it performs computations" I'm at a loss for what this means.
"In Bohm's theory, the amplitude distribution has to be real because it affects the course of the particles. But the amplitude distribution itself is not affected by the particles. So any people encoded in the amplitude distribution - which can certainly compute things - would have no way of knowing the particles existed." How is not being able to know where the particular particles are in a particular amplitude distribution an argument against it?
Have you considered nonlocal hidden variables (Bohm's version in particular)? The "pilot-wave" model does away with many worlds and the problems that you see many worlds addressing as far as I can tell.
To draw out frelkins explanation: it helps to see the harm to the wife as retribution to the farmer, which does require a more patriarchal assumption.