Also because nobody has a great solution yet for alignment, I can see that it is very easy for any work to be heavily critiqued. In other domains, you can feel like you are contributing something valuable even if you aren't doing anything ground-breaking. This is slightly different from not feeling smart enough I think. Although it hasn't happened to me (yet!) because I haven't shared any of my ideas publicly, I can see that the constant critique is something that could be quite demotivating.
As a newcomer too, my experience of the community is that is has felt much less supportive than in other technical fields I have worked in (although I have also met some people who are lovely exceptions!). It has certainly made me question somewhat if it is an area that I want to work in. I'm not sufficiently convinced that I'm going to solve alignment that it feels imperative for me to work in the field and I still feel I have lots of agency about whether I do or not. However, for somebody who doesn't feel that sense of agency or who hasn't experienced different communities, I can imagine that it might affect their mental health slightly subtly and perniciously without them realising its impact.
Really enjoyed this post. I have been talking about this sort of idea a great deal with my physio lately - people often put lots of unnecessary effort into actions that that they don't need because somehow they have a belief that 'effort is good'. He has had cases where he has e.g. shown more elderly patients easier ways to get up from a chair and they have refused because 'it is too easy'. As children most of us were taught to put in 'effort' and 'try harder' whereas usually what you actually want is to find a better way of doing whatever you want to do, rather than to 'look as though as you are trying really hard'.
I realised that I do find myself saying things to my children along the lines of 'I know you find your art lessons really hard, but as long as you are trying your best that is ok'. Their school reports include an effort grade for every subject and it's hard when I read their reports to them, not to say nice things about good grades for effort!
I am trying to figure out how this reconciles with growth mindset vs fixed mindset ideas. I guess perseverance and effort are subtly different things, and that one can grow instead by considering different options and doing the type of brain-storming you are talking about. As a parent, I'm still trying to figure this all out. I guess the first step is just to be aware of when I am suggesting 'trying' and 'effort' - both to them and to myself!
I'm reminded of the book What is Mathematics, Really? by Reuben Hersh. I read it too long ago to be able to summarise it well or debate the arguments, but it takes a fairly similar stance to mathematics and is very readable from what I recall.
I've just been reading Anxiety Rx by Russell Kennedy (which applies to troublesome thoughts in general not just anxiety so think it is rather unfortunately titled!) and I think some of the ideas in it might be relevant here.
His assertion is that it is easier to use the body to calm the mind than to use the mind to the calm the body. If you are a very cognitive person it is tempting to do the latter rather the former - you believe (falsely!) that you can talk yourself into feeling safer.
He makes an interesting distinction between anxiety as the thoughts in the mind and alarm as the corresponding sensations in the body. You then have a looping feedback cycle between the two, where they can each make the other worse.
However, the cycle is generally initiated by alarm (and he talks about two different types of alarm - foreground and background, with foreground being the universal fight-or-flight response and background being caused by trauma). Often alarm is initiated unconsciously, and then our brain tries to come up with an explanation for that alarm. It sounds like it your case perhaps you have some unconscious trigger actually related in some weird meta way to thinking or the possible social consequences of thinking.
His solution for breaking the feedback loop involves awareness of the sensations in the body, breathing and self-compassion, but I think other therapies that focus on the 'alarm' rather than cognitive strategies might just as valid. For me the ideas in the book fit very nicely with Internal Family Systems therapy and also with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy for example. Kennedy is clearly a big fan of Somatic Experiencing Therapy which I suspect has influenced his approach.
This reminds me of iRest yoga nidra. One part of it involves identifying a belief that you want to work with and then alternating between the 'felt sense' of that belief and it opposite (using a memory you have chosen to access the 'felt sense' of a belief). After alternating, you then hold both the 'felt sense' of the belief and its opposite in you attention at the same time. Sometimes (but not always), I've had the original belief melt away in that process and I wonder if this explains what is going on there.
I only spoke three words at age 3, but my parents didn't worry because I understood language and communicated very creatively using those three words! This was in the seventies in the US and there was no routine screening and I just started talking in full sentences between 3 and 4 apparently
I feel very 'jagged' in terms of my abilities. I'm extremely mathematical and also almost tone-deaf. I found learning to drive really difficult too for example. I don't have any problems with empathy, was into pretend play etc so not 'classically autistic'.
I have to admit that I'm quite glad that I didn't end up with a diagnosis as think the labelling might had negative effects for me and might have given me an 'excuse' for not working as hard on certain things.