Good post! I saw Kaj's response to having what he feels is "a bit of an 'aura of trustworthiness'," and that seems to be a phenotypical Real Life example of the Big Seeming Small, which, in my mind, demands a very separate discussion from the intentions of the seemer.
This post may be about intentions in seeming, but there also exist important lacks-of-intentions-in-seeming which came to the fore of my mind when reading this.
I am a large man, with a neanderthal-ish face, a strong chin, and a voice that sounds very much as if one or both of my parents were tenured professors. My body language, like my chest, is very broad. I'm not very smart. I'm a blabbermouth in real life, and I interrupt slow speakers without realizing it. My voice is consistently very loud, because my father was, in fact, a tenured professor with a hearing disability.
I project an aura of untrustworthiness when I try to act small. Because generally, no one believes I am small in any way, until they grow to know me. I think of myself as shy and self-conscious, but none of my physicality seems to express that.
One of my innate smallnesses is a lack of self-control, but this often expresses itself as a perceived lack-of-need-for-self-control, which people instinctively interpret as dominant.
When I interrupt people, I get away with it. Even, and especially, when I shouldn't. Then I beat myself up about it for three days, rehearsing my conversations in my head after-the-fact.
I am so self-conscious about this fact about myself that the first thing I could think of, seeing that charming picture of Anna Salamon, was to simulate a conversation with her where I was needlessly interruptive and obnoxious. I immediately felt shame, seeing that picture, because I am terrible at self-control and I can JUST IMAGINE how a conversation between us would go. And I'm still feeling pangs of shame, five minutes later, for that imagined conversation, in which I failed to know my place, with this smart person I've never met...
So, clearly I have a low opinion of myself that my body doesn't properly communicate, but attempting to act small goes poorly for me. People don't trust self-deprecations from me. I shout them everywhere I go, including right here and now. Despite everything I've said having been utterly true, my bigness even comes out in my writing, and I can feel doubt from you before I even click SUBMIT. "Is his face really neanderthal-ish? That sounds like body dysphoria, not a real problem." I promise you, when you imagine a neanderthal, you imagine my face.
I'm therefore limited to pretending to be small in Softening ways, not in Smallening ways. I do a lot of flamboyant shrugging and enthusiastic nodding and avoiding eye-contact. Does anyone have any advice for expressing "HI, I'M A LOUD IDIOT, PLEASE TELL ME WHEN YOU WANT ME TO SHUT UP."? Because I have literally used that as an opener before, and it kind of railroads me into a certain kind of conversation that I don't particularly enjoy having. I need to find something better.
Good post! I saw Kaj's response to having what he feels is "a bit of an 'aura of trustworthiness'," and that seems to be a phenotypical Real Life example of the Big Seeming Small, which, in my mind, demands a very separate discussion from the intentions of the seemer.
This post may be about intentions in seeming, but there also exist important lacks-of-intentions-in-seeming which came to the fore of my mind when reading this.
I am a large man, with a neanderthal-ish face, a strong chin, and a voice that sounds very much as if one or both of my parents were tenured professors. My body language, like my chest, is very broad. I'm not very smart. I'm a blabbermouth in real life, and I interrupt slow speakers without realizing it. My voice is consistently very loud, because my father was, in fact, a tenured professor with a hearing disability.
I project an aura of untrustworthiness when I try to act small. Because generally, no one believes I am small in any way, until they grow to know me. I think of myself as shy and self-conscious, but none of my physicality seems to express that.
One of my innate smallnesses is a lack of self-control, but this often expresses itself as a perceived lack-of-need-for-self-control, which people instinctively interpret as dominant.
When I interrupt people, I get away with it. Even, and especially, when I shouldn't. Then I beat myself up about it for three days, rehearsing my conversations in my head after-the-fact.
I am so self-conscious about this fact about myself that the first thing I could think of, seeing that charming picture of Anna Salamon, was to simulate a conversation with her where I was needlessly interruptive and obnoxious. I immediately felt shame, seeing that picture, because I am terrible at self-control and I can JUST IMAGINE how a conversation between us would go. And I'm still feeling pangs of shame, five minutes later, for that imagined conversation, in which I failed to know my place, with this smart person I've never met...
So, clearly I have a low opinion of myself that my body doesn't properly communicate, but attempting to act small goes poorly for me. People don't trust self-deprecations from me. I shout them everywhere I go, including right here and now. Despite everything I've said having been utterly true, my bigness even comes out in my writing, and I can feel doubt from you before I even click SUBMIT. "Is his face really neanderthal-ish? That sounds like body dysphoria, not a real problem." I promise you, when you imagine a neanderthal, you imagine my face.
I'm therefore limited to pretending to be small in Softening ways, not in Smallening ways. I do a lot of flamboyant shrugging and enthusiastic nodding and avoiding eye-contact. Does anyone have any advice for expressing "HI, I'M A LOUD IDIOT, PLEASE TELL ME WHEN YOU WANT ME TO SHUT UP."? Because I have literally used that as an opener before, and it kind of railroads me into a certain kind of conversation that I don't particularly enjoy having. I need to find something better.