Michael Cohn

Back in 2016 or so, I ran into an idea going around the self-help / trauma-informed-therapy / cognitive-behavioral internet: Learn to say “thank you” instead of “I’m sorry”. It’s turned out to be one of the most transformative pieces of advice I’ve ever taken. I’d like to share what it’s done for me, with just enough context to help others think about adopting it. The idea Whenever you want to apologize to someone who has done something for you, consider thanking them instead. Examples * I trip and fall, and you help me up. I could apologize for inconveniencing you or I could thank you for helping me. * I refer to the fat guy statue in a Chinese restaurant as Buddha, and you politely inform me that it's actually Budai / Hotei. I could apologize for being stupid or I could thank you for making me smarter. * I'm having an absolute garbage day and in the middle of an intellectual discussion with you I start crying. You stop talking, listen to me sympathetically, maybe give me a hug. I could apologize for being a mess or I could thank you for being kind. In all these cases I’ve found that I end up feeling better about myself and more positive towards the other person if I thank them for helping me instead. Is this just a generic post about growth mindset / cognitive-behavioral therapy / positivity bias? It's got elements of all those things but I think there are some much more specific shifts that it creates in me and in the person I'm thanking. See below for more. But first, counterexamples I do still apologize if I’ve objectively harmed someone or failed to fulfill a duty or a promise. Like: * I trip and fall, spilling coffee on you. * I tell you the guy is the Buddha, you believe me and repeat it around a group of Chinese people, and they think you're an idiot. * I’m having a terrible day and in the middle of an intellectual discussion with you I call you an idiot. That’s what apologies are for. But I’ve learned that a lot of my apologies were ju