hohoho

Hey guys, I'm fairly new to the rationality community (only at page 350 of the book), but I think I might have experienced a belief in belief in belief. I'm trying not to spend too much time online and this story is a bit embarrassing, but I remember that Eliezer wondered about it so I figured I might as well share.

I have a pretty bad relationship with my father, and I don't think very highly of him. But one thing I notice is that whenever he does something that hurt me/I consider selfish, I'm always scandalized. I tried to figure out why I keep reacting that way, because if you asked me to predict my father's behavior I'll probably come up with something pretty negative. So even if a part of me still hope for a better relationship, It makes no sense for me to be surprised by his behavior.

Then I thought, what if I keep that surprise and anger because a thought of me not being surprised by it, of me being so indifferent to my own father, is monstrous to me? Thinking that I might not be sad at his funeral (not that it's close or anything like that) actually scares me. I don't know how I could live with myself if I truly one hundred percent gave up on my father.

So, it's not that I believe he's a good father, It's not that I believe I should believe he's a good father, It's that I believe I should believe I should believe he's a good father.

To explain: First level of belief – I expect my father to be a good parent. Second level of belief – Believing that my father is a good parent has some benefit, so I'll "believe" it to get the benefit, or the placebo effect of the benefit. Third level of belief – TRYING to believe that my father is a good parent have the benefit of me not having to think about myself as cold hearted. It's making the effort that count, not the result, so it never needed to go as far as changing what I think about my father, or changing what I think I should think. It's not that I think I should think he's a good parent, is that I think I should try to think that.

Or maybe I just haven't truly accepted that that's the way he is. Can you accurately predict a situation and still not accept it? I usually think about the world in terms of "believing in your heart" and "believing in your mind", but shouldn't a complete understanding in your mind also change your heart?