I don't know you at all and I'm sort of peripheral to the community, but I read the whole thing and I want to point out that the defense you wrote, for yourself, makes it sound like you really need help. Lots of people here are telling you to take all of this to therapy. Taking a bunch of stuff to therapy is never a bad idea! The opportunity cost is a few wasted hours, and the upsides can be huge.
I don't know you at all and I'm sort of peripheral to the community, but I read the whole thing and I want to point out that the defense you wrote, for yourself, makes it sound like you really need help. Lots of people here are telling you to take all of this to therapy. Taking a bunch of stuff to therapy is never a bad idea! The opportunity cost is a few wasted hours, and the upsides can be huge.