my experience could be useful to LWers experiementing with noo tropics in warning of the dangers of
a) drug interactions
there is need to be very careful while titrating doses up , especially when drugs are in combination. your body may manifest novel problems not seen by anyone else.
b) drug buildup :
need to be very careful while estimating effective doses to take drug buildup into account. even though superficially i was ingesting 200mg of modafinil, i was effectively on 500mg + of the drug.
the only trouble is that one is expected to mature and tackle larger and larger problems or alternatively manage a large (and always increasing) business scope with years under the belt.
both of those capacities are constrained significantly by conscientiousness / working memory / attention deficits.
in terms of goals, i hadn't formalized things but my mental calculations generally revolve around.
A) making a lot of money. B) not burning out (due to competitive stress e.g.) doing so.
these seems highly improbable in my current environment as i don't have the natural characteristics for this to happen. so either
a) i adapt (major , almost miraculous changes needed in conscientiousness/ working memory etc) to succeed at top tier software product development or any other similar high pay career track. b) settle for low quality / low challenge work and low pay (IT services ? teaching? government bureaucracy?)
jobs in the b) category pay < 20K USD in india so it won't be a very relaxed existence financially.
therefore had been trying to get a) to work somehow. minor successes overall. my working memory and conscientiousness are atleast bottom quartile/ if not bottom decile in my peer group.
stuck big time in life therefore.
yes. cognitive ability is quite varied and i am highly stunted in the visuo spatial area.
could never read fiction (no characters visuals in my head). the lack of this faculty is also a major bottleneck in comprehension of technical material.
i like syntax / discrete math / logic etc, things which which depend more on verbal facility.
immediate dose : 200 mg modafinil + 800 mg piracetam around 10 am.
OD symptoms within 2/3 hours.
there was probably significant drug buildup of modafinil over the prior week i guess. was taking mostly 200mg (once 400 mg) a day the preceeding week. so i am guessing 300-500 mg built up.
500 - 700 mg modafinil + 800mg piracetam.
resulted in 170/90 BP + 130-150 HR + severe anxiety for around 8-9 hours. ER docs didn't know what to do. I refused to get admitted to ICU.
Subsided by 10pm night. instigated a panic disorder and a drug phobia
cured by 25mg sertraline for 6 months. panic free (more or less) since.
has left me vigilant about drug interactions and adverse drug effects.
i have been lurking around here mostly for (rational) self help. Some info about me.
Married. Work at India office of a top tier tech company. 26 y/o
between +2 and +2.5 SD IQ . crystallized >> fluid . Extremely introspective and self critical. ADHD / Mildly depressed most of my life. Have hated 'work' most of my life.
Zero visual working memory (One - Two items with training). Therefore struggling with programming computers and not enjoying it. Can write short programs and solve standard interview type questions. Can't build big functional pieces of software
Tried to self medicate two years back .Overdosed on modafinil + piracetam. in ER. 130+ heart rate for 8 hours. induced panic disorder. As of today, Stimulant use out of question therefore.
Familiar with mindfulness meditation and spiritual philosophy.
Its quite clear that i can't build large pieces of software. Unsure as to what productive use i can be with these attributes.
The goal is to speedup becoming productive in that environment.
where productive =
desigining and implementing pieces of a big application (pieces 1K - 5K LOC, full project (50K LOC)) it implies making atleast 'not-bad' design and implementation choices and being able to think with the language/ frameworks with reasonable fluency to propose designs quickly. giving meaningful feedback to other programmers who are doing similar activity.
i realize that it takes time to get really good at and knowing the internals of the whole stack. Looking for approaches wherein the time to productivity can be reduced.