The bulk of this essay is your personal story of coming to the conclusion you need more data from your life. I don't mean to be overly harsh, but this isn't a particularly interesting story, and you don't tell it well. Further, you introduce a very negative tone (the way that you denigrate your tools rather than emphasizing how much you've done with so little is a representative example) that's very off-putting.
It seems like this work isn't very well-formed. Try thinking about some of the following questions:
I'd be interested in collaborating on this further, I have experience of my own in this area.
I just finished my 30 days experiment. It will take time for me to analyze the data and present a conclusion.
So the story and the essay will get more interesting and I only ran one experiment. I don't have lot of interesting things to tell.
Nonetheless, I will try to make it as interesting as possible within my limited capacity. Thanks for the feedback.
I like the concept.
Personally I would rather it started with what you've done and your conclusions rather than the history.
First paragraph:
I started tracking myself after being warned by my primary care doctor about the fact that my sugar level and blood pressure is too high and that I need to lose weight
This is good. You could change "need" to "needed" (past tense) to make it fit the story about the doctor, but informally it makes sense with "need" because it is a fact about your present condition.
He recommend that I should exercise or at least walk, which I am at least certain of.
The word "recommend" needs to be changed to either past or present for this context. Either "recommends" or "recommended". I would suggest "recommended" because you are telling a story and that would referring to him in the act of giving you a recommendation. "Recommends" would work too because that would be you directly telling us a fact about the doctor which is still true.
He also probably tell me to eat less, of which I am less certain of.
This is incoherent to read because you were telling us a story about your doctor, and now it seems like you are guessing what he would tell you in a hypothetical situation. "Tell" is a future tense verb so it sounds like a hypothetical future where you ask your doctor and see what he says. On the other hand if you just can't remember, I would phrase it like "He also probably told me to eat less, although I can't quite remember."
Those advice are naturally unhelpful.
This is awkward to read because "advice" is not plural. Also I would leave out "naturally" unless you are pointing to something that should be obvious. Perhaps: "Those pieces of advice are unhelpful."
It's not enough actionable advice.
"Not enough" usually means quantity not quality whereas you seem to be talking about quality. Maybe "The advice is not actionable enough."
Many people lose weight only to gain them back once temptation takes over.
"Weight" is a substance not a plural noun, so "gain them back" doesn't fit. Replace "them" with "it" and it will read smoothly.
Thanks. It's very helpful. If anything, it tells me that my writing needs a lot of improvement if you found multiple items to fix in the first paragraph.
Happy to help. Knowing where you are at is part of improving. The paragraph looks much better now. Some more touch-ups:
I started tracking myself after being warned by my primary care doctor about the fact that my sugar level and blood pressure is too high and that I needed to lose weight.
I missed it before, but "blood pressure is too high" conflicts with "needed to lose weight." For a story set in the past it should be "was too high".
These piece of advice are unhelpful, as they are not actionable
Should be "pieces" since it is plural in this context.
Second paragraph:
The only thing that's more substantial in my mind was the idea of self quantification, which is the art and science of conducting scientific experiments and data logging on one self, for the purpose of self improvement.
"The only thing that's more substantial in my mind" reads like an exageration. I would phrase it as "A much more substantial prospect in my mind". ("Thing" is too vague. "Prospect" indicates you are hoping for something out of it.) I would also probably choose present tense "is" rather than past tense "was" because you still have the feeling, the past story is more about how you got there. Also it's a bit long winded for an opening sentence so I would put a period after the first clause and start a new sentence defining the term "self-quantification" for unfamiliar readers. "A much more substantial prospect in my mind is the idea of self quantification. This is the ..."
This idea was a lingering thought in my mind that had suddenly became active since The Atlantic ran a story about a computer scientist who self quantified himself and discovered that he have Crohn's disease before his doctors.
Your description of the idea attributes objectivity where subjectivity is probably more appropriate. I would try to take the emphasis off the idea as an objective noun (which seems like you mean the idea as a whole, which obviously exists outside of your head) and instead use it as a synonym for a thought in your head that refers to the idea. "This was an idea that had lingered passively in my mind until recently when the Atlantic ran a story about ..."
This story hit home with me. A few years ago, I have undiagnoised cohn's disease that went on for a few months.
"Have" is present tense, you want to say "had". Also "undiagnosed" is misspelled.
The doctors suggested several recommendations to no avail.
"Suggested several recommendations" is not quite right. It is redundant because "recommend" and "suggest" mean about the same thing. You wouldn't say "suggested several suggestions" or "recommended several recommendations". A better way would be "made several recommendations" or "suggested several things", so that the emphasis is on one side or the other.
The side effects of the medication just made it mildly worse.
"Just" and "mildly" clash here because they both mean sort of the same thing but are in contrast. Try "actually made it mildly worse" or "just made it worse".
Then, not long after summer vacation started, I was rushed to the ER after I suffered internal bleeding in the digestive tract, due to an ulcer in the digestive tract near a blood vein being opened(I am not sure if this is the correct mechanic).
This is where the story gets interesting. It might be a good place to start a new paragraph. The part about summer vacation distracts from the emphasis of being rushed to the ER. Also note that you mention the digestive tract twice which is redundant. Perhaps shorten to "The following summer, I had to be rushed to the ER because of internal bleeding. My digestive tract had developed an ulcer which had opened a blood vessel."
Eventually, it led me to a new GI doctor who gave me a diagnosis of crohn's disease after an endoscopy.
It is not really clear what you mean by "it" here. The surgery? The ulcer? Fate? Try to make the connection between the surgery and the diagnosis stronger. "The ulcer surgery was a success, and eventually led to my getting an endoscopy by a new GI doctor who diagnosed me with Chron's Disease.
Then I experienced it again twice in the next school year, probably due to inattention.
It's unclear whether you mean Chron's Disease symptoms or the ulcer itself came back. Also unclear what inattention you are referring to -- your own inattention to diet and exercise, doctor's inattention to detail, or what.
I haven't experienced it for 2 years now. Even today, I am still afraid that it will happens again.
"Happens" is a present tense, you need future tense so drop the s. Also, you could build on this to generate more emotion (which justifies your interest in self quantification and gets the reader interested). Try to contrast the 2 years of health with the bad times you had before, then contrast with your lingering anxiety. "I've been very fortunate not to experience any symptoms during the two years since that time, however I still constantly worry that it will happen again."
I am not the best writer on the block, but I been working on a self quantification essay. It is of interest to lesswrongers since it is about It's about applying epistemic and instrumental rationality to self improvement in the form of running scientific experiments and data analysis on one self.
If you have any criticism or comment, let me know. Also, it needs grammar fixing since I suck at grammar. Thanks.
Be advised that the essay is undergoing continuous revisions. Some of the content may change drastically.