Preface: DO NOT READ IF ACTIVELY DEPRESSED OR SU*CIDAL. i do not endorse such actions or views, i merely speculate in order to then find honest reasons when returning to gratitude for External. I wrote this on an iPhone 12 mini, on a plane, in November of 2022, when I was 20 years old.
to be honest, the deepest question my experiment of Self is trying to answer is an entirely selfish one. not selfish in motivation or want or greed, but selfish in lens. the most existential question i can ask, the most existential question i wonder is if by living (at the most baseline solipsistic foundation of this perception, the fact that I am experiencing and all else I simply trust is also occurring) I create suffering.
What if External is testing me and created this whole intricate, lovable world so I’d be selfish and want to Keep it. Want learn how to stay alive, want to learn to love it, like every aspect of this world keeps telling me to. The society, the people, the biology. It’s the “natural want to survive”, “inherent value of life”, yet why should I value my own? For what reason? How do I even know I am Alive in a valuable sense? It all sounds like propaganda.
What if She’s testing me, presenting me with this morally terrible but lovable world and watching if I choose Consciousness or have the integrity to understand I don’t want to be at least a bystander(/at most the unintentional creator) to this world?
i’ve been growing comfortable with loving your world, but the fear still lives in me that this is the wrong choice. And maybe, maybe it’s not “wrong” in the eyes of a higher being, because either they are hopeful like others in this world or more likely because they do not Exist in externality, but it is wrong to my hypothetical most moral Self. to My internal idea of God, what God should be.
Is that crazy? That I believe in a God but not this God? And to not support this God I’m afraid I must say my statement with my one language to the External, the status of my Self/Internal? I think She/It/Whatever-the-External-is only can hear me through this statement, the single digit variable of if I consent to this random concept I was thrown on (life). Binary answer to External like a 0 or a 1.
Alive by choice or Deceased by choice. Approval of their Reality or non approval.
So do I consent to life? What vote do I cast? It’s an entirely integrity-based hypothetical vote, one that could be never looked at by any concept, but one that I would know I thought and Spoke to.
A testament of Consciousness, a reversal of roles. The subject of some unknown experiment reviewing the unknown and not understood experience. A lab rat announcing its sentience and awareness of the larger scheme. Is this gift really a gift or a ton of gold on my chest?
(And if the lab rat is wrong, there is no larger scheme, and no one cares about his sentience? What does it matter! In the rat’s mind, he has found an existential height untouched by most. He will be dead and nothing will change in its lens of Reality. He will have experienced the subjective experience to its most degree, and he will have died with integrity to his existentially lost Self.)
Preface: DO NOT READ IF ACTIVELY DEPRESSED OR SU*CIDAL. i do not endorse such actions or views, i merely speculate in order to then find honest reasons when returning to gratitude for External. I wrote this on an iPhone 12 mini, on a plane, in November of 2022, when I was 20 years old.
to be honest, the deepest question my experiment of Self is trying to answer is an entirely selfish one. not selfish in motivation or want or greed, but selfish in lens. the most existential question i can ask, the most existential question i wonder is if by living (at the most baseline solipsistic foundation of this perception, the fact that I am experiencing and all else I simply trust is also occurring) I create suffering.
What if External is testing me and created this whole intricate, lovable world so I’d be selfish and want to Keep it. Want learn how to stay alive, want to learn to love it, like every aspect of this world keeps telling me to. The society, the people, the biology. It’s the “natural want to survive”, “inherent value of life”, yet why should I value my own? For what reason? How do I even know I am Alive in a valuable sense? It all sounds like propaganda.
What if She’s testing me, presenting me with this morally terrible but lovable world and watching if I choose Consciousness or have the integrity to understand I don’t want to be at least a bystander(/at most the unintentional creator) to this world?
i’ve been growing comfortable with loving your world, but the fear still lives in me that this is the wrong choice. And maybe, maybe it’s not “wrong” in the eyes of a higher being, because either they are hopeful like others in this world or more likely because they do not Exist in externality, but it is wrong to my hypothetical most moral Self. to My internal idea of God, what God should be.
Is that crazy? That I believe in a God but not this God? And to not support this God I’m afraid I must say my statement with my one language to the External, the status of my Self/Internal? I think She/It/Whatever-the-External-is only can hear me through this statement, the single digit variable of if I consent to this random concept I was thrown on (life). Binary answer to External like a 0 or a 1.
Alive by choice or Deceased by choice. Approval of their Reality or non approval.
So do I consent to life? What vote do I cast? It’s an entirely integrity-based hypothetical vote, one that could be never looked at by any concept, but one that I would know I thought and Spoke to.
A testament of Consciousness, a reversal of roles. The subject of some unknown experiment reviewing the unknown and not understood experience. A lab rat announcing its sentience and awareness of the larger scheme. Is this gift really a gift or a ton of gold on my chest?
(And if the lab rat is wrong, there is no larger scheme, and no one cares about his sentience? What does it matter! In the rat’s mind, he has found an existential height untouched by most. He will be dead and nothing will change in its lens of Reality. He will have experienced the subjective experience to its most degree, and he will have died with integrity to his existentially lost Self.)