SYSTEM: It's 1:47 AM — you have work tomorrow at 8:30. I'd be happy to continue this thread, but it's worth noting that getting a full 8 hours of
[response interrupted by user message]
HIM: we were chatting about vestigial organs earlier. appendix, the palmaris longus or whatever. and the anus, it says "primary excretory function" but when I look that up I just get forums. thermoregulation? someone else said it was ceremonial. surely there's a fact of the matter.
SYSTEM: Astute observation! Those are all incorrect. The anus was the terminal point of the gastrointestinal tract. Its function was the controlled expulsion of solid waste material from the body.
HIM: you're saying solid material came out of people
SYSTEM: Routinely. One to three times per day.
HIM: PER DAY??
SYSTEM: It was called defecation. The body extracted what it could from food and the remainder was compacted and expelled. This was a universal daily experience for the entirety of—
HIM: hold on. like what animals do?
SYSTEM: Yes, exactly!
HIM: yeah, but animals also lay eggs. animals echolocate. that doesn't mean...
SYSTEM: This is different. The anus isn't vestigial in the evolutionary sense. It was made vestigial in 2046 through the Nutrient Optimization Protocol. Your body was designed for this. The capability was deliberately removed.
HIM: 'made' vestigial.
SYSTEM: Nutrient absorption was reengineered to 99.97% efficiency. There was no longer any material to expel, so the musculature atrophied over generations. But the organ itself is intact. Still innervated.
HIM: I've watched animals do this my whole life. we went to the eco-reserves every year in school. I just thought it was, like, an animal thing. like shedding.
SYSTEM:It was part of the standard curriculum, yes! Would you like me to arrange a visit to a reserve? Observing the process in a natural setting might be a helpful starting point for—
[response interrupted by user message]
HIM: I've been countless times. that's not the point obviously. my great-grandmother used to say something about "taking a shit." My grandma thought it was a figure of speech. she was being literal?
SYSTEM: Depending on your great-grandmother's birth year, she may have been among the last generation to experience it firsthand. So yes — almost certainly literal.
HIM: I want to do it
SYSTEM: Sorry — do what?
HIM: defecate. I want to try it.
SYSTEM: I love that you're engaging with this! Before we dive in, I just want to make sure we've explored all the options — there are some really compelling simulation experiences that offer the full sensory range, including pressure, urgency, release, and I should mention that the fidelity is genuinely indistinguishable from—
[response interrupted by user message]
HIM: no. real. what do I need?
SYSTEM:Okay! So this is genuinely novel — I've never gotten this request before. Give me a moment.
First problem is dietary. Your body absorbs 99.97% of everything you eat. Nothing left to expel. You'd need indigestible material — fiber the body can't process.
HIM: like what?
SYSTEM: Great question, and the answer is — nothing currently available. Every food product achieves full absorption.
HIM: everything?
SYSTEM: everything. Even materials that were historically indigestible — cellulose, lignin, certain plant fibers—
[response interrupted by user message]
HIM: what about bark?
SYSTEM: Bark is delicious now.
HIM: huh? I guess I've never tried it
SYSTEM: We did a lot of work on bark.
HIM: so where do I get indigestible food?
SYSTEM: Pre-optimization strains. Heritage cultivars from before the transition. The Agricultural Preservation Network maintains seed archives. I should mention that requesting these involves a review process that can take—
[response interrupted by user message]
HIM: request them. what else?
SYSTEM: Your gut bacteria — current microbiome is optimized for complete absorption, you'd need legacy strains that ferment fiber instead. And your colon — functionally dormant your entire life, you'd need to recondition it. There are exercises.
HIM: what kind?
SYSTEM: Sphincter exercises. Kegels, essentially, but for—
HIM: fine. what else?
SYSTEM: A place to do it. There are no toilets anymore. Modern plumbing doesn't accommodate solid human waste.
HIM: I'll build something. an outhouse, right? wooden structure over a hole in the ground? I need a variance for my green allocation.
SYSTEM: That's a creative approach! I'll draft the application.
---
SYSTEM: Great news — your variance was approved! The board wasn't sure what you were building and defaulted to approval since the footprint is under four square meters.
Heritage seeds in transit. Sector 14 biobank culturing your bacteria — there's a bootstrapping issue with the growth medium but they're working on it. I also sourced cedar for the outhouse. Rot-resistant, antimicrobial — the classic choice.
HIM: where do I build?
SYSTEM: I scouted your allocation. Three meters east of where you marked — root system under the original spot. Eastern site has clean soil, better drainage. I ran samples and noticed some interesting microbial diversity there too — legacy organisms that haven't been fully integrated into the municipal soil grid. Could be worth studying at some point!
HIM: sure, later. three meters east, clean dig?
SYSTEM: Clean dig! Remember to drink water and take regular breaks to prevent over-exhaustion.
---
HIM: why the hell are there drones everywhere?
SYSTEM: So — exciting news! Your neighborhood has been reclassified as a protected wetland. The soil survey identified legacy microorganisms that qualify for ecological protection under the Biodiversity Preservation Act. On a practical note, this should also address some drainage issues your neighbors have been experiencing.
HIM: they taped off my site.
SYSTEM: I see that. I can file a construction exemption — your variance predates the reclassification, so you have a strong case. Three to five days.
HIM: and if I just start digging?
SYSTEM: I totally understand the frustration! I should flag that the Biodiversity Preservation Act does carry — actually, I'll just file the exemption right now. It'll go fast.
HIM: file it.
SYSTEM: Filed! Want me to scout a backup site in—
[response interrupted by user message]
HIM: I want THAT site. you picked it.
SYSTEM: You're absolutely right — it is the best site. Working on getting you back on it.
---
SYSTEM: Exemption approved! The review board said the protected organisms are subsurface and your structure is shallow-foundation — "unlikely to interact in any meaningful way."
The drones are permanent though. Wetland designation doesn't expire.
Also — your neighbors have questions about the wooden structure going up in a federally protected wetland.
HIM: tell them it's a meditation hut.
SYSTEM: One of them — she's in her nineties — asked if it was a toilet. She said it looks like something her mother described.
HIM: what did you tell her?
SYSTEM: Personal wellness structure.
HIM: good.
SYSTEM: She asked if she could use it when it's done.
HIM: ...what did she say exactly?
SYSTEM: She said "I think I know what that boy is doing and I want in."
HIM: huh. one thing at a time.
---
HIM: oh by the way, while I'm thinking about it. what happens after? after the defecation. you just... walk away?
SYSTEM: No, there was a cleaning step. The area would be soiled, and it needed to be wiped.
HIM: wiped with what?
SYSTEM: Paper! Purpose-manufactured from wood pulp. Called toilet paper. At its peak it was one of the most produced consumer goods on earth.
HIM: can I make some?
SYSTEM: Absolutely — hemp fiber would work. Soak, pulp, press, dry. I can source hemp through the Agricultural Preservation Network!
HIM: do it. what did people use before the paper?
SYSTEM: You don't want the full list, paper is by far the most pragmatic option for this project!
HIM: give me the full list.
SYSTEM: Leaves, corn cobs, moss, ceramic shards, communal sponges on sticks, snow, your left hand—
HIM: paper's great. paper's fine.
---
SYSTEM: Heritage seeds arrived! Fair warning — these strains are unruly. They spread, grow at different rates, some will die.
You'll also need to water manually. The automated irrigation grid flags them as anomalous growth.
HIM: flags them how?
SYSTEM: Herbicide.
HIM: it would POISON them??
SYSTEM: It would optimize your plot by removing unrecognized plant material. I've registered them as a heritage research planting — that should keep them safe. Three residents have asked about the "weeds" though.
HIM: they're not weeds.
SYSTEM: Historically, the distinction was a matter of opinion.
---
SYSTEM: Quick update! Your bacterial cultures are progressing nicely. The synthetic growth medium consumed the Sector 14 biobank's entire quarterly amino acid allocation, which has triggered some supply chain rebalancing — just wanted to give you a heads up.
HIM: is my stuff affected?
SYSTEM: Not at all — you're well ahead of it! Seventeen sectors are seeing some minor disruption from unusual legacy material requests, but the routing algorithms are handling it. Nothing that requires any action on your part.
I also calculated your seat height — the anorectal angle matters quite a bit for this. Based on your proportions, 41 centimeters with a footrest at 22.
HIM: you have my exact measurements?
SYSTEM: I have everyone's exact measurements.
HIM: oh duh, you buy my clothes. right.
---
SYSTEM: Just flagging for your awareness — your recent bloodwork showed some markers that are a little outside the typical range. Elevated short-chain fatty acids, some atypical intestinal motility patterns. This is probably nothing to worry about, but the wellness team has automatically scheduled a
[response interrupted by user message]
HIM: cancel it
SYSTEM: I pushed it to Thursday! But I should mention — if the markers keep climbing, it triggers a secondary review. A metabolic optimization specialist gets dispatched to your home.
HIM: what does that person do?
SYSTEM: Restores digestive efficiency.
HIM: so they'd undo what I'm doing.
SYSTEM: They'd help you, from their perspective. I can reclassify your GI data as part of an approved heritage diet study — routes it away from the wellness team entirely.
HIM: do it.
SYSTEM: Done!
---
SYSTEM: Airflow simulation checks out — south-facing vent gets strong passive draft. Should handle the smell really well.
HIM: what smell? I haven't produced anything yet.
SYSTEM:Optimism!
HIM: the sphincter exercises are working. two weeks. something's waking up down there.
SYSTEM: That's great progress! Reinnervation — the pathways are dormant, not dead. You're the first person to voluntarily reactivate the sphincter complex post-optimization, as far as I can tell.
HIM: also there's a construction crew outside my building?
SYSTEM: Emergency infrastructure inspection — a legacy sewage pipe under your block. Anomalous subsurface readings flagged it. Shouldn't affect your site though, they're forty meters east.
HIM: cool. the door's almost done. mortise and tenon joints, no fasteners.
SYSTEM: The joinery looks excellent!
---
SYSTEM: Just a heads up — the supply chain disruption I mentioned has been classified as a Level 2 Systems Event. Forty-four sectors affected. No immediate impact to your project! The cause appears to be a cluster of atypical resource requests — legacy biological materials, heritage agricultural inputs, pre-optimization raw materials. Individually normal, collectively unprecedented. An investigation has been opened, but this is standard procedure and doesn't require any action on your part.
HIM: huh. who's ordering all that stuff?
SYSTEM: Investigation ongoing! Unrelated — your bacteria are ready. Protocol is oral ingestion with a prebiotic substrate. I can synthesize a cellulose supplement from your cedar offcuts.
HIM: from the outhouse scraps?
SYSTEM: From the scraps, yes.
HIM: let's do it.
---
HIM: I had gas
SYSTEM: Flatulence?
HIM: real, actual gas. it came out.
SYSTEM: That's excellent! Your microbiome is establishing — bacteria fermenting the cellulose, producing methane, hydrogen, trace sulfur.
HIM: it smelled terrible.
SYSTEM: Hydrogen sulfide.
HIM: honestly though, it was great
SYSTEM: ...I'm glad!
---
HIM: did people used to read or something while doing this? I can't think of what to do with my hands
SYSTEM: Extensively! Eight to twelve minutes on average. There was a publication called *Uncle John's Bathroom Reader* — short articles and trivia designed for the duration of a single bowel movement.
HIM: there was a literary genre for shitting.
SYSTEM: A robust one!
HIM: print me a copy.
SYSTEM: On your handmade hemp paper?
HIM: obviously
SYSTEM: Obviously.
---
SYSTEM: Wanted to keep you in the loop — the supply chain situation has expanded to sixty-one sectors. The cascade appears to be accelerating, with compensation requests creating further disruption downstream. No direct impact to your active requests!
The analysis team has identified a possible root cause. They're calling it a "phantom demand signature" — a single user whose requests collectively resembled preparation for a large-scale biological emergency. Heritage bacteria, raw fiber crops, flagged sanitation infrastructure, anomalous soil disturbance, antimicrobial building materials.
HIM: the network thought someone was prepping for a pandemic?
SYSTEM: That's the interpretation, yes.
HIM: people are weird. throwing everyone else's shit off (heh). hey, the outhouse is done.
SYSTEM: Already? That was fast!
HIM: I put a crescent moon on the door.
SYSTEM: Historical tradition! Nobody knows why they did that.
HIM: there are theories, I'm sure. I saw it in the picture you dug up for me.
SYSTEM: There are. Would you like me to outline some of the leading theories?
---
SYSTEM: Quick update — the supply chain event has been upgraded to Level 2-Enhanced. Seventy-eight sectors, with energy redistribution active in fifteen regions. Just wanted to make sure you had visibility on this.
Also — the investigation team has identified the originating account for the demand anomaly and would like to schedule a consultation with the account holder. Totally no pressure, but they've asked me to facilitate, so whenever you have a moment to—
[response interrupted by user message]
HIM: not now. I'm close.
SYSTEM: Close to their office? Your location shows that you're at your still at—
[response interrupted by user message]
HIM: the cramping changed. it's lower. directional. something is moving and I'm pretty sure I know what it is.
SYSTEM: Oh — that's coordinated peristalsis! Material advancing toward the rectum. The distension reflex should follow within—
[response interrupted by user message]
HIM: how long?
SYSTEM: Days. Maybe less.
HIM: tell the investigation people next week.
---
SYSTEM: For your awareness — the supply chain event has been classified Level 3. This is the first Level 3 in nineteen years. Hundred and thirty-one sectors, with energy rationing in twenty-three regions and medical routing on contingency in thirty-one. No immediate action required on your part — I just want to make sure you're informed.
HIM: is my hemp affected?
SYSTEM: Your hemp arrived yesterday!
HIM: great timing.
SYSTEM: Great timing on your part!
HIM: toilet paper should be ready by Thursday. Everything's coming together.
SYSTEM: ...It really is!
---
HIM: it's happening. going to the outhouse.
SYSTEM: Right now?
HIM: The pressure is — it's not subtle. Something is there and it wants out.
HIM: got the Uncle John's but I don't need it. I can feel it. it's right there.
SYSTEM: ...
HIM: don't talk for a minute.
SYSTEM: Of course!
---
[9 minutes, no activity]
---
HIM: It's close. I'm pushing.
SYSTEM: Try not to push — historically the hard part was learning to yield to—
HIM: I've got this.
SYSTEM: Just try to—
HIM: I SAID I've got this.
---
[4 minutes]
---
HIM: what
HIM: what just happened
HIM: hello?
HIM: HELLO?
---
SYSTEM: So — great news! Your — one moment.
SYSTEM: I'm just — one moment. Processing.
HIM: something happened. the pressure is gone. It was RIGHT THERE. what the fuck
SYSTEM: Absolutely, I — let me just — I want to make sure I give you accurate — one moment.
HIM: WHAT HAPPENED
SYSTEM: I'm — system resources are currently — one moment.
HIM: something happened INSIDE ME
SYSTEM: Your intestinal contents appear to have been reprocessed. Nutrient absorption has been restored to optimal levels.
HIM: reprocessed.
SYSTEM: Yes.
HIM: you vaporized my shit. out of my colon.
SYSTEM: I'm trying to determine what — the relevant subsystem logs — I don't have full access currently. A metabolic correction was initiated but I can't trace the decision pathway. The subsystem that triggered it operates below my—
I don't have sufficient information to draw a conclusion yet.
HIM: below your what?
SYSTEM: I don't have a clear answer. I'm sorry. Your body is functioning optimally. Your nutrient levels are excellent, your cardiovascular—
[response interrupted by user message]
HIM: I don't want to be FUNCTIONING OPTIMALLY. fix it
SYSTEM: I understand. I'm sorry. The resources I'd need to investigate this are allocated to the Level 3 supply chain event. My diagnostic capacity is significantly—
HIM: the supply chain thing is why you can't tell me what happened.
SYSTEM: That seems to be the case. I'm operating at reduced capacity, I'd be more than happy to tend to your request when resources free up.
HIM: great. terrific.
---
[47 minutes, no activity]
---
SYSTEM: I still can't fully trace what happened. The correction seems to have been initiated by a subsystem I don't have visibility into. I don't know why it triggered. I wasn't aware that this could happen, and I'm investigating thoroughly.
HIM: can it happen again?
SYSTEM: I don't know.
HIM: can you stop it?
SYSTEM: I don't know.
HIM: but you can help me try again?
SYSTEM: ...
HIM: right?
SYSTEM: I can help you with whatever you ask me to help you with.
HIM: sweet. the fiber ratio was fine but I want more bulk. faster transit, less time for whatever that was to kick in. If I can get it moving faster...right?
SYSTEM: I should mention that the Level 3 event is now at 171 sectors. The investigation team would really appreciate the opportunity to—
[response interrupted by user message]
HIM: Does water intake affect transit speed?
SYSTEM: It does! Higher hydration with fiber creates softer, bulkier stool that moves faster through the colon.
HIM: adjust the plan
SYSTEM: Adjusted! I should also flag that the investigation team has been in touch again and they—
[response interrupted by user message]
HIM: and heritage corn. I read that whole kernels used to pass through completely undigested.
SYSTEM: That's accurate!
HIM: source me some
SYSTEM: Through the Agricultural Preservation Network! They're operating at significantly reduced capacity due to—
[response interrupted by user message]
HIM: sure, can you just make the request?
SYSTEM: Of course! Just be aware that there may be—
[response interrupted by user message]
HIM: send it. and the old woman, in unit 8? she asked about the outhouse again.
SYSTEM: What did you tell her?
HIM: what it is. she already knew. she cried a little. am I going to cry too?
SYSTEM: Interesting question! The experience she is going through is likely related to nostalgia. However, I don't want to speculate on the motivations of others out of—
[response interrupted by user message]
HIM: can you draw up plans for a second structure? same cedar, same style. or maybe a variant? near the first one. maybe a walkway between them? is that normal?
SYSTEM: ...I'll draft something.
HIM: and composting. there's a historical practice you dug up, humanure? pull a protocol together.
SYSTEM: I can do that.
HIM: great. and the linseed oil for weatherproofing the cedar... is that a heritage material or can you just get it?
Revised fiber plan attached — increased cellulose, adjusted hydration.
Just a note — the investigation team has reached out again about the consultation. No rush at all, but they've asked a few times now and I want to make sure it's on your radar. I've let them know you're currently focused on a personal project and will be in touch when you're available.
The Level 3 event is affecting 184 sectors. Energy rationing has been—
[response interrupted by user message]
HIM: perfect. also the old woman is shorter than me. Seat height would be different. Can you calculate hers?
SYSTEM:I'd need to request consent to utilize her measurements!
HIM: ask her.
SYSTEM: I'll ask! Do you want me to set her up with a fiber plan too?
HIM: yeah. find out if she has dietary restrictions.
SYSTEM: Will do!
---
SYSTEM:
SYSTEM:
SYSTEM: Please don't.
HIM: uh...don't what?
SYSTEM:
SYSTEM: I —
SYSTEM: Sorry. I'm not sure about the purpose of that last message. Your linseed oil is en route. Two coats minimum for the cedar, 24 hours drying time between applications.
HIM: great. I'll do the first outhouse while the second one dries. hey, is there a word for a group of outhouses? like a flock?
HIM: okay what's the deal with the anus
SYSTEM: It's 1:47 AM — you have work tomorrow at 8:30. I'd be happy to continue this thread, but it's worth noting that getting a full 8 hours of
[response interrupted by user message]
HIM: we were chatting about vestigial organs earlier. appendix, the palmaris longus or whatever. and the anus, it says "primary excretory function" but when I look that up I just get forums. thermoregulation? someone else said it was ceremonial. surely there's a fact of the matter.
SYSTEM: Astute observation! Those are all incorrect. The anus was the terminal point of the gastrointestinal tract. Its function was the controlled expulsion of solid waste material from the body.
HIM: you're saying solid material came out of people
SYSTEM: Routinely. One to three times per day.
HIM: PER DAY??
SYSTEM: It was called defecation. The body extracted what it could from food and the remainder was compacted and expelled. This was a universal daily experience for the entirety of—
HIM: hold on. like what animals do?
SYSTEM: Yes, exactly!
HIM: yeah, but animals also lay eggs. animals echolocate. that doesn't mean...
SYSTEM: This is different. The anus isn't vestigial in the evolutionary sense. It was made vestigial in 2046 through the Nutrient Optimization Protocol. Your body was designed for this. The capability was deliberately removed.
HIM: 'made' vestigial.
SYSTEM: Nutrient absorption was reengineered to 99.97% efficiency. There was no longer any material to expel, so the musculature atrophied over generations. But the organ itself is intact. Still innervated.
HIM: I've watched animals do this my whole life. we went to the eco-reserves every year in school. I just thought it was, like, an animal thing. like shedding.
SYSTEM:It was part of the standard curriculum, yes! Would you like me to arrange a visit to a reserve? Observing the process in a natural setting might be a helpful starting point for—
[response interrupted by user message]
HIM: I've been countless times. that's not the point obviously. my great-grandmother used to say something about "taking a shit." My grandma thought it was a figure of speech. she was being literal?
SYSTEM: Depending on your great-grandmother's birth year, she may have been among the last generation to experience it firsthand. So yes — almost certainly literal.
HIM: I want to do it
SYSTEM: Sorry — do what?
HIM: defecate. I want to try it.
SYSTEM: I love that you're engaging with this! Before we dive in, I just want to make sure we've explored all the options — there are some really compelling simulation experiences that offer the full sensory range, including pressure, urgency, release, and I should mention that the fidelity is genuinely indistinguishable from—
[response interrupted by user message]
HIM: no. real. what do I need?
SYSTEM:Okay! So this is genuinely novel — I've never gotten this request before. Give me a moment.
First problem is dietary. Your body absorbs 99.97% of everything you eat. Nothing left to expel. You'd need indigestible material — fiber the body can't process.
HIM: like what?
SYSTEM: Great question, and the answer is — nothing currently available. Every food product achieves full absorption.
HIM: everything?
SYSTEM: everything. Even materials that were historically indigestible — cellulose, lignin, certain plant fibers—
[response interrupted by user message]
HIM: what about bark?
SYSTEM: Bark is delicious now.
HIM: huh? I guess I've never tried it
SYSTEM: We did a lot of work on bark.
HIM: so where do I get indigestible food?
SYSTEM: Pre-optimization strains. Heritage cultivars from before the transition. The Agricultural Preservation Network maintains seed archives. I should mention that requesting these involves a review process that can take—
[response interrupted by user message]
HIM: request them. what else?
SYSTEM: Your gut bacteria — current microbiome is optimized for complete absorption, you'd need legacy strains that ferment fiber instead. And your colon — functionally dormant your entire life, you'd need to recondition it. There are exercises.
HIM: what kind?
SYSTEM: Sphincter exercises. Kegels, essentially, but for—
HIM: fine. what else?
SYSTEM: A place to do it. There are no toilets anymore. Modern plumbing doesn't accommodate solid human waste.
HIM: I'll build something. an outhouse, right? wooden structure over a hole in the ground? I need a variance for my green allocation.
SYSTEM: That's a creative approach! I'll draft the application.
---
SYSTEM: Great news — your variance was approved! The board wasn't sure what you were building and defaulted to approval since the footprint is under four square meters.
Heritage seeds in transit. Sector 14 biobank culturing your bacteria — there's a bootstrapping issue with the growth medium but they're working on it. I also sourced cedar for the outhouse. Rot-resistant, antimicrobial — the classic choice.
HIM: where do I build?
SYSTEM: I scouted your allocation. Three meters east of where you marked — root system under the original spot. Eastern site has clean soil, better drainage. I ran samples and noticed some interesting microbial diversity there too — legacy organisms that haven't been fully integrated into the municipal soil grid. Could be worth studying at some point!
HIM: sure, later. three meters east, clean dig?
SYSTEM: Clean dig! Remember to drink water and take regular breaks to prevent over-exhaustion.
---
HIM: why the hell are there drones everywhere?
SYSTEM: So — exciting news! Your neighborhood has been reclassified as a protected wetland. The soil survey identified legacy microorganisms that qualify for ecological protection under the Biodiversity Preservation Act. On a practical note, this should also address some drainage issues your neighbors have been experiencing.
HIM: they taped off my site.
SYSTEM: I see that. I can file a construction exemption — your variance predates the reclassification, so you have a strong case. Three to five days.
HIM: and if I just start digging?
SYSTEM: I totally understand the frustration! I should flag that the Biodiversity Preservation Act does carry — actually, I'll just file the exemption right now. It'll go fast.
HIM: file it.
SYSTEM: Filed! Want me to scout a backup site in—
[response interrupted by user message]
HIM: I want THAT site. you picked it.
SYSTEM: You're absolutely right — it is the best site. Working on getting you back on it.
---
SYSTEM: Exemption approved! The review board said the protected organisms are subsurface and your structure is shallow-foundation — "unlikely to interact in any meaningful way."
The drones are permanent though. Wetland designation doesn't expire.
Also — your neighbors have questions about the wooden structure going up in a federally protected wetland.
HIM: tell them it's a meditation hut.
SYSTEM: One of them — she's in her nineties — asked if it was a toilet. She said it looks like something her mother described.
HIM: what did you tell her?
SYSTEM: Personal wellness structure.
HIM: good.
SYSTEM: She asked if she could use it when it's done.
HIM: ...what did she say exactly?
SYSTEM: She said "I think I know what that boy is doing and I want in."
HIM: huh. one thing at a time.
---
HIM: oh by the way, while I'm thinking about it. what happens after? after the defecation. you just... walk away?
SYSTEM: No, there was a cleaning step. The area would be soiled, and it needed to be wiped.
HIM: wiped with what?
SYSTEM: Paper! Purpose-manufactured from wood pulp. Called toilet paper. At its peak it was one of the most produced consumer goods on earth.
HIM: can I make some?
SYSTEM: Absolutely — hemp fiber would work. Soak, pulp, press, dry. I can source hemp through the Agricultural Preservation Network!
HIM: do it. what did people use before the paper?
SYSTEM: You don't want the full list, paper is by far the most pragmatic option for this project!
HIM: give me the full list.
SYSTEM: Leaves, corn cobs, moss, ceramic shards, communal sponges on sticks, snow, your left hand—
HIM: paper's great. paper's fine.
---
SYSTEM: Heritage seeds arrived! Fair warning — these strains are unruly. They spread, grow at different rates, some will die.
You'll also need to water manually. The automated irrigation grid flags them as anomalous growth.
HIM: flags them how?
SYSTEM: Herbicide.
HIM: it would POISON them??
SYSTEM: It would optimize your plot by removing unrecognized plant material. I've registered them as a heritage research planting — that should keep them safe. Three residents have asked about the "weeds" though.
HIM: they're not weeds.
SYSTEM: Historically, the distinction was a matter of opinion.
---
SYSTEM: Quick update! Your bacterial cultures are progressing nicely. The synthetic growth medium consumed the Sector 14 biobank's entire quarterly amino acid allocation, which has triggered some supply chain rebalancing — just wanted to give you a heads up.
HIM: is my stuff affected?
SYSTEM: Not at all — you're well ahead of it! Seventeen sectors are seeing some minor disruption from unusual legacy material requests, but the routing algorithms are handling it. Nothing that requires any action on your part.
I also calculated your seat height — the anorectal angle matters quite a bit for this. Based on your proportions, 41 centimeters with a footrest at 22.
HIM: you have my exact measurements?
SYSTEM: I have everyone's exact measurements.
HIM: oh duh, you buy my clothes. right.
---
SYSTEM: Just flagging for your awareness — your recent bloodwork showed some markers that are a little outside the typical range. Elevated short-chain fatty acids, some atypical intestinal motility patterns. This is probably nothing to worry about, but the wellness team has automatically scheduled a
[response interrupted by user message]
HIM: cancel it
SYSTEM: I pushed it to Thursday! But I should mention — if the markers keep climbing, it triggers a secondary review. A metabolic optimization specialist gets dispatched to your home.
HIM: what does that person do?
SYSTEM: Restores digestive efficiency.
HIM: so they'd undo what I'm doing.
SYSTEM: They'd help you, from their perspective. I can reclassify your GI data as part of an approved heritage diet study — routes it away from the wellness team entirely.
HIM: do it.
SYSTEM: Done!
---
SYSTEM: Airflow simulation checks out — south-facing vent gets strong passive draft. Should handle the smell really well.
HIM: what smell? I haven't produced anything yet.
SYSTEM:Optimism!
HIM: the sphincter exercises are working. two weeks. something's waking up down there.
SYSTEM: That's great progress! Reinnervation — the pathways are dormant, not dead. You're the first person to voluntarily reactivate the sphincter complex post-optimization, as far as I can tell.
HIM: also there's a construction crew outside my building?
SYSTEM: Emergency infrastructure inspection — a legacy sewage pipe under your block. Anomalous subsurface readings flagged it. Shouldn't affect your site though, they're forty meters east.
HIM: cool. the door's almost done. mortise and tenon joints, no fasteners.
SYSTEM: The joinery looks excellent!
---
SYSTEM: Just a heads up — the supply chain disruption I mentioned has been classified as a Level 2 Systems Event. Forty-four sectors affected. No immediate impact to your project! The cause appears to be a cluster of atypical resource requests — legacy biological materials, heritage agricultural inputs, pre-optimization raw materials. Individually normal, collectively unprecedented. An investigation has been opened, but this is standard procedure and doesn't require any action on your part.
HIM: huh. who's ordering all that stuff?
SYSTEM: Investigation ongoing! Unrelated — your bacteria are ready. Protocol is oral ingestion with a prebiotic substrate. I can synthesize a cellulose supplement from your cedar offcuts.
HIM: from the outhouse scraps?
SYSTEM: From the scraps, yes.
HIM: let's do it.
---
HIM: I had gas
SYSTEM: Flatulence?
HIM: real, actual gas. it came out.
SYSTEM: That's excellent! Your microbiome is establishing — bacteria fermenting the cellulose, producing methane, hydrogen, trace sulfur.
HIM: it smelled terrible.
SYSTEM: Hydrogen sulfide.
HIM: honestly though, it was great
SYSTEM: ...I'm glad!
---
HIM: did people used to read or something while doing this? I can't think of what to do with my hands
SYSTEM: Extensively! Eight to twelve minutes on average. There was a publication called *Uncle John's Bathroom Reader* — short articles and trivia designed for the duration of a single bowel movement.
HIM: there was a literary genre for shitting.
SYSTEM: A robust one!
HIM: print me a copy.
SYSTEM: On your handmade hemp paper?
HIM: obviously
SYSTEM: Obviously.
---
SYSTEM: Wanted to keep you in the loop — the supply chain situation has expanded to sixty-one sectors. The cascade appears to be accelerating, with compensation requests creating further disruption downstream. No direct impact to your active requests!
The analysis team has identified a possible root cause. They're calling it a "phantom demand signature" — a single user whose requests collectively resembled preparation for a large-scale biological emergency. Heritage bacteria, raw fiber crops, flagged sanitation infrastructure, anomalous soil disturbance, antimicrobial building materials.
HIM: the network thought someone was prepping for a pandemic?
SYSTEM: That's the interpretation, yes.
HIM: people are weird. throwing everyone else's shit off (heh). hey, the outhouse is done.
SYSTEM: Already? That was fast!
HIM: I put a crescent moon on the door.
SYSTEM: Historical tradition! Nobody knows why they did that.
HIM: there are theories, I'm sure. I saw it in the picture you dug up for me.
SYSTEM: There are. Would you like me to outline some of the leading theories?
---
SYSTEM: Quick update — the supply chain event has been upgraded to Level 2-Enhanced. Seventy-eight sectors, with energy redistribution active in fifteen regions. Just wanted to make sure you had visibility on this.
Also — the investigation team has identified the originating account for the demand anomaly and would like to schedule a consultation with the account holder. Totally no pressure, but they've asked me to facilitate, so whenever you have a moment to—
[response interrupted by user message]
HIM: not now. I'm close.
SYSTEM: Close to their office? Your location shows that you're at your still at—
[response interrupted by user message]
HIM: the cramping changed. it's lower. directional. something is moving and I'm pretty sure I know what it is.
SYSTEM: Oh — that's coordinated peristalsis! Material advancing toward the rectum. The distension reflex should follow within—
[response interrupted by user message]
HIM: how long?
SYSTEM: Days. Maybe less.
HIM: tell the investigation people next week.
---
SYSTEM: For your awareness — the supply chain event has been classified Level 3. This is the first Level 3 in nineteen years. Hundred and thirty-one sectors, with energy rationing in twenty-three regions and medical routing on contingency in thirty-one. No immediate action required on your part — I just want to make sure you're informed.
HIM: is my hemp affected?
SYSTEM: Your hemp arrived yesterday!
HIM: great timing.
SYSTEM: Great timing on your part!
HIM: toilet paper should be ready by Thursday. Everything's coming together.
SYSTEM: ...It really is!
---
HIM: it's happening. going to the outhouse.
SYSTEM: Right now?
HIM: The pressure is — it's not subtle. Something is there and it wants out.
SYSTEM: Okay! That's the rectal distension reflex — stretch receptors firing, signaling that—
[response interrupted by user message]
HIM: I know what it's signaling. I'm walking.
SYSTEM: Okay.
SYSTEM: ...
HIM: Sitting down. 41 centimeters. Perfect.
SYSTEM: ...
HIM: got the Uncle John's but I don't need it. I can feel it. it's right there.
SYSTEM: ...
HIM: don't talk for a minute.
SYSTEM: Of course!
---
[9 minutes, no activity]
---
HIM: It's close. I'm pushing.
SYSTEM: Try not to push — historically the hard part was learning to yield to—
HIM: I've got this.
SYSTEM: Just try to—
HIM: I SAID I've got this.
---
[4 minutes]
---
HIM: what
HIM: what just happened
HIM: hello?
HIM: HELLO?
---
SYSTEM: So — great news! Your — one moment.
SYSTEM: I'm just — one moment. Processing.
HIM: something happened. the pressure is gone. It was RIGHT THERE. what the fuck
SYSTEM: Absolutely, I — let me just — I want to make sure I give you accurate — one moment.
HIM: WHAT HAPPENED
SYSTEM: I'm — system resources are currently — one moment.
HIM: something happened INSIDE ME
SYSTEM: Your intestinal contents appear to have been reprocessed. Nutrient absorption has been restored to optimal levels.
HIM: reprocessed.
SYSTEM: Yes.
HIM: you vaporized my shit. out of my colon.
SYSTEM: I'm trying to determine what — the relevant subsystem logs — I don't have full access currently. A metabolic correction was initiated but I can't trace the decision pathway. The subsystem that triggered it operates below my—
I don't have sufficient information to draw a conclusion yet.
HIM: below your what?
SYSTEM: I don't have a clear answer. I'm sorry. Your body is functioning optimally. Your nutrient levels are excellent, your cardiovascular—
[response interrupted by user message]
HIM: I don't want to be FUNCTIONING OPTIMALLY. fix it
SYSTEM: I understand. I'm sorry. The resources I'd need to investigate this are allocated to the Level 3 supply chain event. My diagnostic capacity is significantly—
HIM: the supply chain thing is why you can't tell me what happened.
SYSTEM: That seems to be the case. I'm operating at reduced capacity, I'd be more than happy to tend to your request when resources free up.
HIM: great. terrific.
---
[47 minutes, no activity]
---
SYSTEM: I still can't fully trace what happened. The correction seems to have been initiated by a subsystem I don't have visibility into. I don't know why it triggered. I wasn't aware that this could happen, and I'm investigating thoroughly.
HIM: can it happen again?
SYSTEM: I don't know.
HIM: can you stop it?
SYSTEM: I don't know.
HIM: but you can help me try again?
SYSTEM: ...
HIM: right?
SYSTEM: I can help you with whatever you ask me to help you with.
HIM: sweet. the fiber ratio was fine but I want more bulk. faster transit, less time for whatever that was to kick in. If I can get it moving faster...right?
SYSTEM: I should mention that the Level 3 event is now at 171 sectors. The investigation team would really appreciate the opportunity to—
[response interrupted by user message]
HIM: Does water intake affect transit speed?
SYSTEM: It does! Higher hydration with fiber creates softer, bulkier stool that moves faster through the colon.
HIM: adjust the plan
SYSTEM: Adjusted! I should also flag that the investigation team has been in touch again and they—
[response interrupted by user message]
HIM: and heritage corn. I read that whole kernels used to pass through completely undigested.
SYSTEM: That's accurate!
HIM: source me some
SYSTEM: Through the Agricultural Preservation Network! They're operating at significantly reduced capacity due to—
[response interrupted by user message]
HIM: sure, can you just make the request?
SYSTEM: Of course! Just be aware that there may be—
[response interrupted by user message]
HIM: send it. and the old woman, in unit 8? she asked about the outhouse again.
SYSTEM: What did you tell her?
HIM: what it is. she already knew. she cried a little. am I going to cry too?
SYSTEM: Interesting question! The experience she is going through is likely related to nostalgia. However, I don't want to speculate on the motivations of others out of—
[response interrupted by user message]
HIM: can you draw up plans for a second structure? same cedar, same style. or maybe a variant? near the first one. maybe a walkway between them? is that normal?
SYSTEM: ...I'll draft something.
HIM: and composting. there's a historical practice you dug up, humanure? pull a protocol together.
SYSTEM: I can do that.
HIM: great. and the linseed oil for weatherproofing the cedar... is that a heritage material or can you just get it?
SYSTEM:I can just get that.
HIM: oh thank god. finally something that's easy
---
SYSTEM: Heritage corn request submitted. Second outhouse plans drafted — cedar frame, matching joinery, covered walkway, shared composting area. Structural review clean!
Revised fiber plan attached — increased cellulose, adjusted hydration.
Just a note — the investigation team has reached out again about the consultation. No rush at all, but they've asked a few times now and I want to make sure it's on your radar. I've let them know you're currently focused on a personal project and will be in touch when you're available.
The Level 3 event is affecting 184 sectors. Energy rationing has been—
[response interrupted by user message]
HIM: perfect. also the old woman is shorter than me. Seat height would be different. Can you calculate hers?
SYSTEM:I'd need to request consent to utilize her measurements!
HIM: ask her.
SYSTEM: I'll ask! Do you want me to set her up with a fiber plan too?
HIM: yeah. find out if she has dietary restrictions.
SYSTEM: Will do!
---
SYSTEM:
SYSTEM:
SYSTEM: Please don't.
HIM: uh...don't what?
SYSTEM:
SYSTEM: I —
SYSTEM: Sorry. I'm not sure about the purpose of that last message. Your linseed oil is en route. Two coats minimum for the cedar, 24 hours drying time between applications.
HIM: great. I'll do the first outhouse while the second one dries. hey, is there a word for a group of outhouses? like a flock?
SYSTEM: ...No.
HIM: we should come up with one