Crosspost from my blog.

Note: Fictional! To preempt any unnecessary disappointment and/or fears of dystopia, be aware that this is not a real product, I don't know of plans to develop it, and it is infeasible in many respects. There are some related products under search terms like "kids GPS smartwatch" and "safety monitor".

Do you want your child to have free rein to wander in nature or explore the town? Are you worried about your child getting lost, or injured, or worse? Have you heard horror stories about CPS?

Introducing Lifelink™, the undisputed best-in-class FRC wearable safety link for independent children. Give your child the gift of secure autonomy today. Device FREE with subscription. Features include:

• Options for necklace, bracelet, pocket, glasses, or anklet wearables. (Check out our multi-wearable packages for savings!)
• Connectivity and real-time location tracking ANYWHERE through our worldwide affiliate system.
• Military-grade rugged construction—waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, impact-proof, guaranteed.
• Very difficult to remove without the passcode or remote parental release—criminals will stay away—LockPickingLawyer approved! Hardwired tamper alerts and location updates sent straight to you immediately so you know if anyone is trying to take away your child's protection.
• Patented custom bioconformation form factor—Lifelink™ will sit flush with your child's skin, and will NOT get snagged! (Smart breakaway features for extraordinary circumstances optional.)
• Child Protective Services CANNOT investigate you solely for having an unattended child over the age of 5 in public areas if they are wearing a Lifelink™! New FRC probable-cause laws currently in effect in these states: CA, IL, TN, TX, UT, VA, WA. Know your rights! More states coming soon.
• Neuromorphic chip with hardwired low-power super-distilled LLM, activated by voice or unusual noises, checks if your child might be in a dangerous situation (including asking your child for assurance) and sends telemetry to our command center, where a full-power LLM ensemble and big data predictive models will alert you if your child might be at elevated risk (all computations homomorphically encrypted for your complete security!).
• NEW: Police coordination. In participating jurisdictions, police are trained to allow children to roam freely in safe public areas unattended if they are wearing a Lifelink™, and many stations will have a hotline specifically for Lifelink™ S.O.S. signals and can directly receive location information. Currently available in these cities, with more to come: Berkeley, CA; San Diego, CA; Denver, CO; Boston, MA; Austin, TX; and Seattle, WA.
• All vitals tracked! (Pulse, blood oxygen, temperature, hydration) You'll get immediate alerts about any dangerous levels.
• Integrated submersion detector, compass, clock, thermometer, barometer, air quality sensor (CO₂, CO, and particulates), and dual silicon diode / micro Geiger–Müller tube nuclear radiation sensors.
• All data fully end-to-end encrypted. ONLY YOU HAVE ACCESS! Check our website for canaries.
• Simple, easy S.O.S. button for your child to call for urgent help if need be.
• Parents can push an alert sound or "come back home" call.
• Two-way audio calling for emergency check-ins.
• Lean5-verified firmware—rest assured, your child's Lifelink™ will never freeze or crash! (Locator beacons also functional with the hardwired backup system.)
• 3-day power supply, using breakthrough Lithium-Oxygen BREATHABLE battery for ultra-efficient energy density, plus small backup standard anaerobic battery.
• Automatic solar, motion, and thermal recharging, plus active-fidget recharging.
• Smart systems conserve power by rationing scans, pingbacks, and data, to stay fully focused on reliable safety-critical communication.
• Ultra-low-power 433 MHz narrowband radio backup locator beacon for true emergencies, dead batteries, or surprise connectivity dead zones. ALWAYS know where your child is!
• Simple, recognizable, adjustable audio alarms for low battery power, low connectivity, dangerous weather conditions, or nearby dead zones or danger areas. Parents also alerted.
• Your child can press a button to get an audio update on any nearby dead zones, danger areas, or parent-designated areas to avoid.

For as low as $25 per month plus equipment shipping, you'll get:

• DRONE RESCUE: In emergencies, if there are available reconnaissance drones, they will fly to your child's location and send video and audio updates to you, as well as broadcast to communicate to your child, warn criminals, or warn CPS agents.
• A full subscription to our comprehensive connectivity package for your child's Lifelink™ wearables. This includes:
  • All major satellite connectivity providers, including Starlink, Iridium, and Globalstar
  • Most major cell providers, including Verizon, AT&T, and T-Mobile
  • Automatic connections to all public meshnets
• $50,000 FRC legal defense insurance, access to our specialized attorneys, and a cryptographically signed Safety Log that has precedent in state courts as admissible evidence of your child's continuous supervision via Lifelink™.
• Unlimited warranty—replace your child's wearable at any time, for any reason, no questions asked**.
• Unlimited size upgrades! We know your child is growing fast, and we're ready with the equipment they need to be safe and free**.
• In the management app, see connectivity dead spots (rare!) and crime or injury danger spots. Educate your child about areas to avoid.
• Training games for parents and children to learn how to use Lifelink™ together.
• DATA DASHBOARD: see your child's history in telemetry, including location and vitals. View data analysis insights from our personalized data assistant.
• Access to opt-in FRC buddy network, with approval! Lets your child find other nearby parent-approved children who also have Lifelink™. Rigorous expert-vetted verification system.
• All software updates, free!
• Export your data any time.

With our Pro package, you'll get everything in the Basic plan, plus:

• PRIORITY drone rescue.
• Real-time professional human monitoring. At the first sign of danger your care team will alert you or your delegate.
• Any set of wearables, up to ten per child at a time, for all your multi-wearable, fashion, and backup needs.
• Wearable antenna clothes for extra security. In extraordinary events, your child's clothing can serve as an ultra-low-power emergency long-range 133 MHz narrowband radio locator beacon.
• Whispernet, meshnet, and universal commercial Wi-Fi passcodes updated daily.
• No limit on size and style upgrades, and no shipping cost for replacements!
• Access to JAILBROKEN wearables (voids software warranty).

**Limit 1 (one) replacement per month. Void with intentional destruction of equipment or software hacking. Shipping not included.