I probably shouldn't be ranting out my thoughts here. but I really want to get these thoughts out of my head and I'm hopeful no one will come across this random piece.

Have you ever felt obsessed with something you're building? I did - my last 2 years in college. It's an amazing feeling. It's like riding the ocean current - you have no idea why you're going so fast but the speed feels insane and you're at escape velocity. Everything else fades. It's just this desire to see something manifest itself in the real world.

Was it really that idealistic? No. There were 4 of us in a dorm room. You get comfortable with weird glances in your direction and then one day it's become normal. You get used to people thinking you're crazy for staying up everyday 3 am plus and working - many times even during lunch breaks. You get used to not talking to people - it's difficult to explain to them this intense sensation that's driving you and they weren't really the kind of people who'd understand[1]. Hell, I never understood it then either. It was definitely lonely but I was curious. I wanted to know more about who I was. I disappeared under a pseudonym to answer them - who am I? If no one knew me, would I still learn and work on the same things? If no one appreciates me, do I care about my work enough that I'd still do it? If I take away all external driving factors like fame, security, power(except money lol, we need to be able to afford a life) - would I find my truer motivation in life. 

It's on the edge of insanity that you see the most incredible views. It's always about people. I just wanted to have fun working with people I enjoy being around on things that matter.

Working on open source is different. You're free. You can do everything and anything - the only barriers are your mind. It's a constant battle tbh. You get used to it. You want to battle even better problems the next time. The thrill hits when you end up understanding/building things that looked impossible to you at first. It's intimidating though and a huge cause of insecurity/trauma. 

One day, I want to be able to just perform without questioning myself about whether I'm good enough.

Looking back, do I have everything figured out now? Sadly, no. 

But I'm a much better and stronger person than I could have ever imagined myself to be. New dimensions I was too ignorant to notice then keep popping up. I have freedom but I also feel chained and powerless by the cultural/societal stigma women from conservative families/nations are exposed to. I very much want to break free and I understand it's just me holding back to preserve emotional bonds. It's always about people.

It's ok to be unconventional. It's ok to have different interests. It's ok to be you. 


  1. ^

    I'm sorry for generalising everyone to the stereotype in my mind - I was extremely wrong. If at the end of the day, you can make someone smile, happier and more hopeful about the future - that's all that matters. 

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