More comments-I realized I had the "I'm not a math person" false narrative a few months ago!Which I imagine comes from a higher-level belief I learned super early on, that runs parallel to the "I'm in a story in which I'm the hero" delusion. That (almost subconscious) belief is something like "if I'm not instantly amazing at something then I suck and I should give up".But it's not even that well defined. I'm more muddled than that.It could be a barely-conscious rationalization for something closer to "I don't like how I feel when I fail, it hurts my identity that I'm bright and special and the hero of the story, so I'll stop trying, stop looking at it, and when prompted I'll have a new identity-piece ready: 'I'm-not-an-X-person'".I've now tried making a new identity-piece story that'll help (feedback welcome if there's a flaw to it that I missed). It goes something like - "I expect that when I learn something new I will suck at it, and that's OK".I realize this could lead to me persisting in things I'm genuinely terrible at when I should instead put my energy on something different. So I have a safeguard mindset that goes "get feedback from people who won't be scared to hurt you, and evaluate if you should be doing something else to achieve the goal."
I'm midway through your post and I want to say that I've also been deep in Mad Investor Chaos. In addition to loving it, I am very inspired by it. Inspired to look for ways to improve my thinking. Looking for things I'm flinching away from - and narrow in on those things for inspection.I keep asking myself - what is it that I already know about the world that I'm pretending not to see? What are things that I can expect to believe later that I should just update and believe now?I imagine your writing style here reminds me of the manic way of the characters figuring Law out in Mad Investor Chaos, and I like it.I really appreciate you for writing how despite verbally agreeing that modesty is unproductive, you nevertheless never judged high-status people as dumb. That's totally the kind of noticing/Law I imagine we need more of.And I also imagine this is the sort of mindset Eliezer is looking for - the mindset where you figure those things out unprompted, without an Eliezer there to correct you. And I also judge that in your case, even though you could say you are being prompted - by your desire for validation - well, that's good enough. Anyway, back to reading.