First posted to notthinkable.com

I've been meaning to write a blog post for awhile (years), because more and more I'm finding that contributing to others, in whatever form that takes, is a really rewarding thing to do, and makes me feel connected.

But I've been putting it off, because I can't write Meditations on Moloch on my first try.

I have this really sticky idea that if I hold off writing a post, somehow, in the future, I'll be able to write something really good: that moves a conversation, or that is an authentic expression of who I am, or something. Even though I know this is silly. People tend to have to have practice writing blog posts for awhile before they produce something that touches people.

However, the feeling is still there. Because I don't want to give up on the idea that this won't be as good as I want it to be when I publish it. That would mean a kick to my ego, and that would be bad. Why can't I just write something and revise it endlessly, so that it can be good enough first time? I don't want blogging to be how it is. I want it my way!

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It seems that I'm a slow learner when it comes to this.

Last year I got into online dating (briefly). I'd been putting it off for awhile (years). Eventually what it took was a close friend sitting down next to me, watching me, whilst I messaged people, because I just wouldn't do it alone.

It reminds me of a Jordan Peterson video where he talks about treating people who are afraid of needles. They'll start with the smallest possible step: let's just have a needle in the room, and reveal this fact. Not even a visible needle. Just create awareness that there's a needle in the room. And go from there: first having the needle visible. Then having it brought closer. Then having the patient touch it, etc. Each session taking a small step, making progress little by little.

I was originally going to write an essay called 'holding hands' awhile back, about this dynamic. My friend said that sounded like a great idea. But I didn't ever write it, because I didn't follow my own advice.

There's a lot of humility required in something like this. A previous Nick would have judged. Aren't you ashamed of yourself? You can't even do that? That's pretty pathetic. You should just get over yourself, and start dating. Man ...

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