A common pattern for myself over the years is to get into some kind of interpersonal ~"conflict", feel mildly to extremely indignant about how the other person is at fault, then later either through confrontation or reflection, realize that I actually held substantial responsibility. I then feel very guilty.

(When I say "conflict" I mean something broader, e.g. I mean to include cases where you're mad at your boss even if you never actually confront them.)

I noticed this pattern some years ago such I did become skeptical of my indignation even when I couldn't yet see where I was responsible. Yet this led me to a feeling of frustration. How is it that I'm always at fault? Why can I never be justifiably indignant at someone else?

I believe the answer to this can be explained via partial derivatives. It doesn't have to be explained via partial derivatives, but I think partial derivatives are this super great concept that's helpful all over the place^[1], so I'm going to invoke it. See this footnote for a quick explanation^[2].

Suppose we have a Situation in which there is a Problem. In the real world, any Situation is composed of a large number of parameters. The amount of Problem there is is a function of the parameters. And for any interpersonal situation, different parameters are controlled by the different parties involved in the situation.

The needlessly mathematical Partial Derivative Model of Interpersonal Conflict says that for any nontrivial situation, likely both partners control parameters that have non-negligible impact on how much of a Problem there is.

In other words, if you want to blame the other person, you'll succeed. And if you want to blame yourself, you'll succeed.

I have been good at doing those serially, but might be a better model to them in parallel: see all the ways in which each of you are contributing to the amount of Problem.

This isn't to say that always everyone is equally to blame. If someone runs a red light and hits your car, they're at fault even if you could have chosen to work from home that day. In many cases, it's less clear cut and I think it's worth tracking how each person is contributing.

The asymmetry in the situation is that by definition you control the parameters you're in control of, so it's worthwhile paying attention them. If you can get over being Right and instead focus on the outcomes you want, you might be able to atta...