The chickenpox virus waited for decades, attacking the moment my immune system wobbled.^[1] It advanced down my nerves, spreading blisters along its path. Known as shingles, this kind of viral attack is generally considered a very bad time.

The blisters make nerves go haywire. They start sending chaotic signals back to the brain, jagged and dissonant.^[2] The brain struggles to understand these signals, ending up interpreting them… creatively.

Tense strings hooked into sunburned flesh, going “twaanggg” randomly. A knife-tip carving a hole in my skull. Insect wings and water droplets inching their way across my skin. Being stapled.

The impressions come in waves, triggered in chaotic bursts. Their intensity makes them unusually salient, bombarding my awareness. A resounding barrage of dissonance.

I’m using this as a chance to practice Stoicism. One of the core tenets of Stoicism is distinguishing between what is up to me and what is not. I can’t stop the impressions. They aren’t up to me. What matters is my mindset, my ability to shape how I respond in the face of dissonance.

When a wave of dissonance rises, I turn to it and relax, letting it wash over me. I do what I can to ease the intensity, but I’ve accepted that I can’t make it stop. The impressions keep arising. Getting annoyed doesn’t serve me; it would only add to the suffering.

I use non-judgment to avoid clinging to the sensations. Instead of resenting them or labelling them as bad, I stay curious and try to feel their texture as they arise and pass away. This stance gives me a bit of separation, not by putting up a barrier, but by relating to them as distinct from myself.

My instincts are screaming at me to clench down, scratch my forehead raw, and run away. These instincts don’t rule me, I have 12+ years of Stoic practice to fall back on. Resisting these urges is a real battle test, the biggest challenge I’ve faced in years.

Shingles is an extremely painful medical condition, but thankfully, my blisters are receding already. Some people suffer far worse, enduring far longer. Stoics have faced greater challenges, using the same principles to flourish in grim circumstances.

I don’t know what challenges the future holds or where my breaking point is. Hopefully, I’m not destined to find out.^[3]

1. ^{^}

   Immune system got fucked over by acute stress. Last Thursday, I was part of the first car to stop at an accident scene. Solo crash, motorcycle. Most likely didn’t make it. My partner rides a motorcycle, and I was hit hard by the situation.

2. ^{^}

   I know people who live with chronic pain, but I’ve never really known what their pain feels like. Is it sharp and twangy, like shingles? Dull and throbbing? Hollow and minty, like a bad tooth? What is fibromyalgia like? Or a cluster headache?

3. ^{^}

   I can’t decide what future challenges will be like, but if anyone’s listening, I have a request: Ideally, I prefer ones that don’t involve nerve blisters.