• 1:04 -- "So some big reflections and changes and things that I am bringing in to this new experience are: one, to not talk about it all the time, and also to talk about it when I want to talk about it, balancing that whole, you know, 'being authentic and sharing and talking about things that are interesting' and also 'not being the person to always bring the conversation back to the same thing and proselytizing about it.' I also really have changed my tune about how I feel about 'the whole world going vegan' -- no. Veganism is not the answer the answer. The answer is ending factory farming and moving back towards an agricultural society where we grow a lot of things, and people focus on local. Local matters way more than vegan in terms of environmental sustainability. Absolutely, people need to be eating mostly plants -- I -- I, at this point really truly can say that I believe that there are people whose bodies function 'better' with some animal products, because who's this body to say what that body means? Not I."
• 2:36 -- "So it's funny to take a step back and think about where I was a year ago. To think about how I shared and talked about my lifestyle choices with other people -- and again, thank you so much, Emily and Beth. Thank you for loving me, even on the days that literally all I talked about was veganism. It's exhausting. It's exhausting. It's true, I think, you know, converts are the strongest believers. And, I was a convert I was a, you know, 'vegans are totally crazy', and then got totally converted, and, and then wanted to just preach and proselytize to everyone. Which, clearly I still do to some capacity. I'm just refining how I want to discuss it, and refining the ways in which I share about it, and having a lot more fun laughing at myself for being so dogmatic and soo rigid and so, like -- Honestly, I think it's that, there's all these issues in the world -- wouldn't it be great if there was just one solution? Wouldn't it be great if it was just, you know, 'everyone go vegan and that's going to solve everything?' So I think for a lot of people, myself included, you find something that seems like it could be that solution, it's really exciting to then pursue it, or to want the whole world to pursue it. And it's taken some time, and I'm sure it will continue to evolve, to see that it is not a black and white sort of thing. What vegans have right is ending factory farming. That's absolutely a part of what will help environmental sustainability..."
• 5:38 -- "And I...want to share this perspective...share it publicly -- with Beth and Emily, who were there for me when I was, 'blinder'ed' -- which was a word, or at least I'm making it one now -- and I was like, 'this is exactly how things are and everyone needs to go vegan. Duh!' No! So not the answer. So not the answer. Ending factory farming, though - people, please, please look into where you get your food. Please. Okay, see, like, I still hold on to some-- {cuts herself off} well {turns her head quickly to the side} maybe it's just that the dogma's, like, shifted, you know? I've, I've gone from being having one dogma to another, although I feel like this one is much more well-rounded in terms of, even people I know who love to debunk veganism will also still create a tending factory farming is a crucial part of keeping this planet here for at least one more generation."

• 0:22 -- "I spent the majority of my life subsisting on beige foods. I mostly peanut butter and cheese and eggs and bread and tortillas and pasta and rice and potatoes. And for the next two decades of my life, I get to say that I ate mostly beige foods. So I definitely have a -- I want to say 'wealth', and also I'm like, well, you know, what's two decades -- I have some experience with food aversions, and with being fearful about eating colorful foods, and I would like to share some tips of things that really helped me to overcome my issues. For me, it was about, for everyone, it's about control. We all want to control things, we all control different things. And when I was really little, I realized I could control what I ate. And it's been a journey for me, in shifting that towards having that be health-promoting as opposed to just an outlet for anxiety and depression and needing to control things. So, what is it that you use as an outlet for your control? And maybe it's food, or maybe it is food for one of your loved ones, and that's why you clicked on this video. Like everything, it is a mind game. Food is absolutely a mind game. And then it absolutely becomes physical. So, if you're someone who's like, 'oh I think about eating X food and I literally gag, like my body has a physical reaction', I hear you, because I've had that, and I know that it's real. I know that your body is really feeling it. And I'm here to tell you that you have the ability to change that. That it can change. You are not, you are not stuck forever in fearing broccoli, {looks down over her shoulder to the side, as if addressing:} little Annie. You're not. You'll love it one day. So, here you go, 5 tips. Tip number one is to involve yourself in the food prep. So, literally, I -- just, get your hands on the food that you want to eat. Even if you are uninterested in eating it, find a friend who you can roast some carrots and sweet potatoes for, or steam some broccoli, or make soup, or whatever it is. Find a friend who's making those things for themselves, and ask to have dinner with them, or hang out with them while they make dinner. Literally do anything you can to just surround yourself with these foods that you're scared of, instead of having it in your head as this big-deal thing, or this {gestures} whatever. Bring it into your day-to-day existence. Make it for someone else. Like literally just touch -- go to the grocery store and touch broccoli, like just put your hand on it. For me that was huge, in being less scared of these things, was, was just to surround myself with them and to continually surround myself with them. And with that being said, to shift my perspective from this very fear-based {brings hands to chest} ~mnneehhh~ about it {again, it is hard for me to compress everything into text here, I once again recommend watching the YouTube videos themselves}, about it, to feeling curious, and being like 'Hmm, you know where was that grown?' or 'What would that be like?' or 'What does that feel like? or 'Why am I so picky?' And, as much as you can -- and it is absolutely a process -- let go of the fear and the judgement about all of it, and shift your perspective towards being curious, and do your best to stay open to knowing that things change all the time, and that you can absolutely change your eating habits. So, tip number two for overcoming your food aversions, is blending. If you are similar in your food aversions to me -- I know there as many different food versions as there are people -- for me, it was texture. Tastes were less of an issue than textures. I was anti-chunk. There were not allowed to be any chunks in anything {moves hands around, ending with palms splayed (again, it is hard for me to compress everything in the video into text -- I recommend watching the YouTube videos themselves)} ever. No chunks. So, smoothies were great! I was totally fearful of eating whole pieces of fruit, and yet smoothies I would drink. So, if that's you, have a smoothie every day! You're still doing great! You're having fruit! You can put spinach in there, you can put in kale, even -- blends up more than you may think it does -- can be a really nice way to add and other things you might not normally consume, and make it all just one homogeneous texture that you will enjoy, {and} not have to have that, like, 'What texture is gonna hit my mouth?' Because, you know, that was what it was for me, at least. It's like, 'Okay, it's all gonna be the same texture.' {It} was like, knowing what to expect -- {I} could really get into all the psychology of it, which is interesting... -- Soups, also, you can make all-one-consistency, and just, butternut squash is a great one to have be really smooth. There's...a blender, food processor, really is a worthwhile investment, in my opinion. If you are someone who maybe wouldn't eat foods just boiled on the stove and made enough stew, but if you blend them up into a soup, then you will eat it. Do that! Get a blender! It really it makes a big difference. And sauces can make a really big difference in making a meal the more exciting. Sauces can also be a good way to again, like, incorporate things that maybe you wouldn't eat. So if you'll eat pasta and red sauce, maybe add some vegetables and blend that in to the red sauce, and then pour it over your pasta, or make some sauce to pour over potatoes, or things you're already eating. Which brings me to {tip} number three, which is to incorporate the new foods with foods you're comfortable with! So if you'll eat pasta, if you'll eat a baked potato, see how you can incorporate just a little bit of new foods with these foods that you have an A-okay relationship with, and that your body trusts and knows what to expect from. That was really helpful for me as well. Like, you know, make a soup and dip bread in it, or have coupons on your salad, or whatever it is. I definitely got caught in like, 'Oh I need to love broccoli now!' And remember that it's a transition, like these these things will come. So give yourself credit for where you are, and just keep on keeping on. Number {4} -- the next one -- okay, with that one also, I have written down, this was helpful for me, was like, shredded carrots and oatmeal or in muffins or bread or things, again, like, taking foods that you will eat, and finding ways to incorporate some of these new foods into them. Super helpful. Super helpful. Now number four is to branch out slowly with similar foods that you will eat. So like, if you're someone who's eating potatoes, maybe eat a sweet potato, or butternut squash. Know that it's kind of a spectrum, or at least for me it was a spectrum of food aversions. Like all the Brassica, broccoli, brussels sprouts, and those things, were way scarier been sweet potatoes were. So if you're open-minded to eating sweet potatoes, then do that! And eat those! And continue to eat those every day. And even potatoes - these are health foods! So eat...whole foods as often as you can get yourself to eat them. And if they are potatoes, and you want eat potatoes every day, here's one person on the internet telling you to eat potatoes every day, and to keep going, and to keep progressing on the path, and know that more vegetables, and more produce and less of that constricted feeling, or that true physical response to like, 'Oh no, my body does not want that', that will dissipate. It really can. I'm here to say that {pause} 'You too can love broccoli!' And I would've laughed hard at me for saying that -- I mean, part of me knew it was gonna happen one day, and part of me was like, 'There's no way! I'll never eat this!' And here I am, talking to my phone about, looking at my computer. So my last tip, number five, tip five, to overcome your food aversion, is to make these new foods similar to foods you're already eating. So back to potatoes, if you'll eat potato fries, like fried-fried, or, you know, making the home-fry version, maybe do that with some other vegetables, and roast them up, or red zucchini. You can like, {rinse (?)} zucchini in a little bit of water, and then breading, and bake those off, and those can be kinda similar to potato oven-fries, but they're different food, and then it's just slowly, for me, retraining your brain about how you think about these things. And letting go of the fear of it, and being like 'Oh, I ate X food, and I actually enjoyed it! Oh, there was cauliflower blended in that sauce, and my body did not reject it, and I'm still here, and in fact it tasted pretty good!' Because maybe you made it just a little bit of cauliflower, and some nutritional yeast and nuts, and you poured that over potatoes, and it was delightful, and then you're like 'Oh cauliflower is, cauliflower is not that bad, huh?' So, that was my five tips. I really think it comes down to exposure therapy and patience, which, the patience part was big for me. And I will say, my experience -- once it happened, it really, it really escalated. Once, once a couple of new foods came into my life and I started shifting how I thought about it, it really, things really picked up super quickly, and so maybe they will for you too. Just keep on keeping the foods around you, keeping them -- stay curious, just trying new things, and just, just keep on keepin' on, and trust that your body will eventually ask for the nutrients it needs, because I really become more and more of a believer in our bodies being smarter than our heads. And your body will ask for what it wants. Your body will tell you what nutrition it needs. Your job is to slow down, and quiet, quiet down, and listen, and hear what it {your body} wants, and respect that. So why do I care so much about food? Lots of reasons, separate video. Obviously, we, we die first without air, and without sleep, and without water, and so food is not the end-all be-all of our health and our existence. However, food is definitely in the top five, and food is quite literally what our cells metabolize to create new cells, and to keep going, and so the whole 'You are what you eat' is some real shit, friends. It's very real. And for me, I will end with saying that, of all the benefits -- and obviously there are so many benefits of all the things we can do to take care of ourselves, food especially -- mental health was the biggest thing. So physically, yeah, I feel so much better eating less processed stuff. Mentally though -- that's what's kept me doing what I'm doing. So I hope something here helped you, {or} resonated with you; I hope you can pass this along to someone who might need it, or take something of value. I would love to hear more of your tips, or your experiences, because food is such a journey for all of us. Which I say sarcastically, and I mean very seriously, so thanks for listening to some things I learned along my journey, and thanks for being you."

• From the caption on the YouTube video:
  • "How do you like to remember that nothing is that big a deal? (So yes everything is a big deal so yes you're "allowed" to be "dramatic" sometimes... just wanting us all to be mindful of how we're spending our emotional energy.)"
• From the YouTube itself:
  • 0:27 --

  • 

  • 1:05 -- "Sometimes, though, it can be nice to have a reminder to chill out, to have someone's -- I mean, it's no fun to hear in those moments, because it's right, when someone tells you to chill out. So maybe you needed to hear that. I definitely like to tell myself that on the regular. You know, you could make a joke out of it, instead of beating yourself up, and being angry. You can laugh about how not-chill you're being, because sometimes that is hilarious. And by 'sometimes', I mean 'all the time.' You're gonna laugh about it anyways, so why not laugh about it today? Thanks for stopping by, here on this youtube link, clickin' on the video. Maybe go put your legs up the wall, and go stretch, and dance, and do something to help you relax, and enjoy life. Thank you for being here. Thanks for being you."

• From the comments section of the YouTube video:
  • @LearnWithBahman -- "So many people are concern about future, in some sense, it is true to look at it this way. We don`t know about past and future since we think (it may not be true) that we start to feel and to comprehend life after our birth, so it is more logical that look for some questions our after death.We mainly don`t like to die, so why it happens and what it will happen on that. This is looking at time as a past - present and future perspective. I think (have some reasons for that too) that we are from future, humanity or advance species get bored, so what they do? they start what I call game of life, Imagine we all look for a different kind of life as a life catalogue and eat a pill or go to a machine to experience this life, when we born , we don`t know it , when we die , we go to that society and try to find some interesting life again, so next time maybe person like me try to choose to live in Europian renaissance or I already did it so try so other timeline or another life style. I think looking at time as a linear way may not be the way our universe works. Anyway, I am crazy. In the sense of universe existence, past is more interesting, we can predict (or at least we think we can) when our world and our universe ends."
    • @AnnieAltman -- ""We mainly don't like to die" 😂thank you for the chuckle and insightful reflections! Reminds me of Kurt Vonnegut's "Slaughterhouse Five" and being "unstuck in time" ... time for me to reread! “All moments, past, present and future, always have existed, always will exist.""

• 0:00 -- "Okay, so you're sitting there, wherever 'there' is, and you're overcome with this feeling of not knowing what to do. Because the biggest thing that none of us want to admit is that we don't know what we want most of the time, and figuring that out is most of what we spend our time doing. Okay, so, generally, for me, this comes down to two things: I'm either feeling like there's so much to do that I don't know where to begin, or I feel like there's literally nothing that is worth doing that I want to do...So the advice that I give to myself in these scenarios is if I'm feeling like I have to do all the things and they all have to happen at once, and there's just so much to do, do whatever is the most time-sensitive...and when I'm feeling uninterested in doing anything, and nothing really sounds, like, that great to do, and I'm just sort of like, 'I don't want to do it because, like, why do anything?', as opposed to like 'I don't know what to do, I need to do everything!', when I'm uninterested in doing things, my advice to myself is to do whatever is the most exciting first. So, literally whatever I will do, to go and do that. And as I do this video journaling shin-dig, I'm realizing that there's a lot of emphasis here on doing. I'm reflecting on my own whatever's, and that balance between being a human being and being a human doing, and you know on the one hand just sitting around all day and 'being', you don't do anything, but {on the other hand} just popping around doing things all day, then you don't really 'be'. So, that's a separate conversation. Looking at little notes of things I wanted to write -- so, clearly, okay, I made this video because I've had that feeling of like, 'Oh, I'm kind of uninterested in doing things, like, did all my, you know, chore and personal health things this morning, and now I'm like, you know, 'what do I want to do?' So this was exciting, to start filming. I received a really nice comment from someone on my last YouTube video, that was over a month ago, and I was like, 'Oh, it's been -- it's been a few minutes.' And so, intention versus action is definitely a thing, which also is knowing-what-we-want thing. That consistency between those things, or the consistency versus spontaneity of life. So, you know, I'm consistently me in videos, and spontaneously making and posting them. And, what else could I add to make this even more of a ramble. I don't know. I don't know why I enjoy the rambles. Maybe because I enjoy watching them, or 'cause -- and/or 'cause -- I enjoy just, like, getting it out, and having things not be so planned and outlined all the time. I mean, I'm doing that in other forms of things, so to have this be just, this {pauses, gestures with her hands} open platform {pauses, looks to the side} is really nice. And {pauses} yeah, I guess I'm learning, as in these four minutes here of me talking to my phone outside, that when you don't know what to do, just do something, or just realize that you're already doing something, like just in sitting and thinking about a decision, or talking about it with someone, you're already doing something. You're already -- this life thing is just always happening. Okay. Hopefully this was sufficiently weird. Hopefully gave you something to to 'nom on, to marinate. Got some good stretching in. Lots of love, thanks for being you."

• Annie writes, "My Dad {Jerry} died in May 2018, and access to his Will was withheld from me by my mother {Connie} and three older siblings {Sam, Jack, Max} for an entire year." [AA24b]

• From [BB24a]:
  • Ellen Huet: "When their dad passed away in 2018, Annie remembers that Sam dictated to each of his younger siblings how many minutes they could talk at the funeral.
  • Annie Altman: "To be at your dad's funeral, to be like, oh, I'm the oldest sibling, so I get to choose how long all the sibling -- which, it is bizarre, and there's a level of it that's so hilarious and so benign, surface-level, classic older sibling bullshit where it's like, 'all right, older sibling wanting to make up the rules to the game.'" Like there's a level of it that's very light and funny -- and there's also a level of it that's very dark and deeply unsettling, of how does that behavior come up in other places if you believe that you get to be the authority on something that you are not the authority on."
    Ellen Huet: "A spokeswoman for OpenAI told us that Sam recalls these incidents differently, but she declined to elaborate."

• Note on how I determined the bounds of "[when Jerry died on May 25, 2018]" and "[the end of the day on May 27, 2018]":
  • In the speech that Annie gave at her father's funeral on May 28, 2018, Annie wrote:
    • "Also Jack last night {which would have been the night of May 27, 2018}, “I can just keep talking if you want me to write your speech, just keep it really meta, you can have my five minutes, it’ll be great.” Sam, I may really need Jack’s minutes here as when I read this out loud it was about 8 minutes — I’ll do my best to talk a little faster."
  • For Jack to have referenced Sam's 5 minute restriction on the funeral speeches on the night of May 27, 2018, Sam must have imposed the restriction on the night of May 27, 2018 or earlier.
  • Thus, we can bound the point at which Sam told his siblings to keep their funeral speeches to 5 minutes or less between [when Jerry died on May 25, 2018] and [the end of the day on May 27, 2018].

• In [EW23a], Elizabeth Weil writes,
  • "At the funeral, Annie told me, Sam allotted each of the four Altman children five minutes to speak. She used hers to rank her family members in terms of emotional expressivity. She put Sam, along with her mother, at the bottom."
• Quotes from Annie's speech [AA18a]:
  • "Read at Central Reform Congregation on May 28, 2018:"
  • "My dad trusted my intuition more than I ever have. He often reminded me of the strength of my mind-body connection, a concept I am both extremely passionate about and skilled at underestimating. He created and held space for all of my feelings, and those of you who have talked to me ever know that I have more than a few of those all of the time."
  • "Sam said we could each talk for about five minutes, less if possible to not make you lovely people sit here all day, and Jack correctly pointed out how I will definitely be using all five of my minutes."
  • "You may know that I come from a family that loves to rank things in order to make meaning of them. I love that too, and I also love talking about feelings, as someone who has so many of them. This led me to make a list about a year ago ranking my immediate family in terms of emotional expressivity, from most to least. Obviously I take “first place” on this list, which is probably part of why I wanted to make it. Next comes my dad, then Max, then Jack, and then Sam and mom alternate what would be first place if this list went from minimal to Annie levels of emotional expression. As I typed this out last night, Jack immediately questioned my list and checked in with Julia, his wife, for her opinion. (She agreed with my list, for the record.) It led to an interesting discussion on how different people express different emotions, which my dad knows is, along with family movie night, pretty much all I’ve ever wanted from my family. Also Jack last night, “I can just keep talking if you want me to write your speech, just keep it really meta, you can have my five minutes, it’ll be great.” Sam, I may really need Jack’s minutes here as when I read this out loud it was about 8 minutes — I’ll do my best to talk a little faster."
  • "My dad and I were always very close, talking about all the feels, all the music, and all the athletic activities. I fondly remember us sharing boxes of chocolates when I was little, and by share I mean I would bite each chocolate in half, happily devour it if its insides were cream or more chocolate, and promptly stick it back together and give it my dad if its insides were fruity or coconut. My dad’s memory of this story was that he was the one getting the “good” deal — he honestly believed he was the luckier one, sitting there eating spit-covered chocolate."
  • "We grew even closer in the past few years, as he was my #1 supporter and confidant in all my choices and adventures, most recently in moving to the Big Island of Hawaii, teaching yoga knowing full well it is not a “career” one can “support themselves” with, and even choosing to live in a car for a few months (re: there is little money in yoga and also Annie goes into extreme minimal hippie phase). He was characteristically 1000% supportive of my current creative endeavor of writing a book called “The Humanual,” about how no one knows how to human and also there are reoccurring themes in the humaning thing. He even began to say things like I did along the lines of, “this would be perfect for this part of The Humanual.”"
  • "My dad came out to visit me in February {2018}, when I finally moved into a non-mobile home. He was one month into “Seaganism,” as he brilliantly termed the concept of eating a vegan diet with the addition of seafood. He made the shift with the new year, after patiently sitting with me through my angry vegan phase, welcoming in my phase of being anti-factory farming rather than anti-animal consumption, and listening as I did my best to clumsily describe how the people I was the most annoying towards about eating a more plant based diet were the ones I loved the most. During his visit I pointed out several places friends of mine like with local seafood, and instead he decided to just share food with me the whole time. We made smoothie bowls, tofu scramble, and pancakes, we went out for Thai food, veggie sandwiches, and chili and we split everything. He was so excited to learn to prepare new foods and when he got back to St. Louis I received almost daily texts with pictures of the meals he was making for himself. From his visit onwards he was eating fully plant based, with the exception of consuming whey powder and other forms of dairy accidentally. My brothers are convinced that he changed his diet to be closer to me, much like his interest in rowing and involvement with the St. Louis Rowing Club, and I know they are right."
  • "I FaceTimed with my dad on Thursday {May 24, 2018}, pausing in the middle to call grandma and wish her the happy birthday I had forgotten and my dad reminded me of, both laughing about me avoiding grandma’s black list just in time. When we said goodbye he held up a horizontal peace sign to the camera and I laughed saying something about what a perfect sign off that was."
  • "Grief shows how much love there was to lose, reminding me of the quote that, “You can never love someone as much as you can miss them.” He is no longer physically here and I miss him already. I do not get another in person conversation with him, a video chat or phone call, a deep talk about life while we stretch with our legs up the wall. There is no one I want to dissect which part of The Humanual this whole situation is supposed to be, along with all my feelings about it, more than my dad."
  • "In January {2018} my dad sent me a text, part of which read, “And just for clarification, I don’t just support your lifestyle now or your physical and emotional endeavors now; I support your life. I will always support your life. These are aspects of your life, so I support those too. And there is not a “now”, as Yoda might say. There is only life, for as long as that may be.”"
  • "My dad was active, with people, and doing what he loved, I had said up until his last day before my mom correctly clarified it as “his last hour.”"
  • "I will keep him alive through me, through the genes and memories of his I am lucky enough to hold on to. I will do my best to see the good in people and give them the benefit of the doubt, to remember that my only “job” in life is to be happy, and to works towards trusting myself and my intuition half as much as you believed in me. I will allow myself to express all my emotions as openly as I choose, especially the ones that involve hugging our loved ones often and reminding them how much they are loved. I love you more than all the words I’ve ever said, will say, and could say. Thank you for being my dad; a true legend by the Babe standards, a testament to the power of love and community, and the only person who would have genuinely encouraged this speech to be even longer if that was what I wanted. I will always be a daddy’s girl and specifically yours."

• C.f. [AA18b] for more details. It seems that Jerry's death may have been what triggered, or intensified, Annie's gradual process of recalling her repressed memories.

• I found the legal case relating to Jerry (full name: Jerold Donald Altman)'s death on the official Missouri courts government website that seem to corroborate this:
  • https://www.courts.mo.gov/cnet/cases/newHeader.do?inputVO.caseNumber=18SL-PR01960&inputVO.courtId=CT21
  • https://www.courts.mo.gov/cnet/cases/newHeader.do?inputVO.caseNumber=18SL-PR01960&inputVO.courtId=CT21#header

From the caption of the YouTube video:

• Lyrics:
  Bitches ain’t shit… it is time for a redo of that song
• Fuck bois ain’t shit
• Fuck bois ain’t shit but grown men throwing fits
  Denying all their feelings and still expecting you to suck dick 
  They imply “get the fuck out” after they’re done
  With no comments, questions, concerns about if you’ve also had fun
• I used to think fuck bois were sort of alright
  Used to roll around with them at all hours of the night
  Justified their behavior from all of their “plight” 
  Empathized with their self-consciousness until I saw the light
• Being mean is shit, you’re not deep, go call your mom
  Having a nice body doesn’t mean that I’m turned on
• Just because you’ve slept with lots of women before
  Doesn’t mean that in bed you’re not a bore
• And he was coming onto me with that forced aloof “HEY LOOK AT ME!”
  Stroking on my ego not seeing the light on his insecurities  
• And in the end what he said meant nothing
  Because what’s talking if the shit you’re saying ain’t shit
• Fuck bois can’t hang with the... the fall of the white colonial patriarchy, they’ve spent generations defining themselves based off of “others” and now that those “others” are changing it seems to me like fucks bois are faced with an identity crisis
• I once was told I had a “string ray punnai” 
  And you’re probably like, “and you still slept with him, Annie??”
• I’m just a human too and most people get horny
  I was young and fell in love it’s all “part of the journey”?
• My roommates kept reminding me that he wasn’t any good
  Had to learn from my own hurt, had to reaccept the use of “shoulds”
• I thought I learned my lesson, was done with sad scared man boys 
  Oops
  Got duped a few more times
• Each a reflection of my own insides
  A way to see my own truths from my own lies
  Each a releasing of my own needs to please
  Women have been taught just to look pretty always to appease
  All of us taught appearance matters most and to accrue
  Times are changing, strength of the feminine is here for you
  She says “let go”
  You’re loved and worthy
  There is nothing you need to prove
• What to do with all this information
  I know the hippies say, “it’s all about appreciation”
• Gratitude’s swell and I also want change
  I seek connection where I’m not left feeling deranged
• That’s called “gaslighting” … you’re being an asshole 
  And if you’re waiting for me to fake an orgasm for you… keep waiting
• Okay, I acknowledge using the term “fuck boi” is pretty rude and it’s definitely hypocritical of me…
• Fuck bois show the pit of our societal emotional shit
  A reminder that at times we all feel like misfits
  They run away as soon as they’re done
  Then grow their hair out and adopt the man bun
• I used to take these interactions personally
  Then saw that I was “the issue,” the common denominator was me
  Took time to realize my own proclivities 
  See I was inadvertently calling in my own insecurities
• Loved and accepted them and poof their spell is done
  Okay hippies with this whole “self love” you’ve clearly “won”
• One day I see a world of authentic relationships
  People filled with enough love to let go of these guilt trips
• We’re all hanging onto shame believing it’s just a thing we do
  Drinking, smoking, sexing just to forget for a minute or two
  And in the end what we avoid does nothing because eventually we all have to face our own shit
• Fuck bois you can grow and transform
  We’re all allowed to cry
  I know this is a lot to absorb
  And I know you’ve been taught you’re not allowed to express your emotions and that is unfair and it’s probably the root cause of the issue here it just still doesn’t make reverse sexism, or any reverse isms, a thing
• Fuck bois please answer this call
  Fuck bois you know your reign must fall
  Fuck bois you can learn and evolve
  Fuck bois you can one day be absolved
• And I promise I’ll stop calling you fuck bois as soon as you stop acting like fuck bois, though you probably already turned this song off. Shoutout to reddit/theredpill
• Love and legs up the wall,
  Annie

From section 473.033. Notice of letters — duty of clerk — publication — form. of Chapter 473 Probate Code -- Administration of Decedents' Estates of the Revised Statues of Missouri (bolding is my own):

"The clerk, as soon as letters testamentary or of administration are issued, shall case to be published in some newspaper a notice of the appointment of the personal representative, in which shall be included a notice to creditors of the decedent to file their claims in the court or be forever barred.  The notice shall be published once a week for four consecutive weeks. The clerk shall send a copy of the notice by ordinary mail to each heir and devisee whose name and address are shown on the application for letters or other records of the court, but any heir or devisee may waive notice to such person by filing a waiver in writing.  The personal representative may, but is not required to, send a copy of the notice by ordinary mail or personal service to any creditor of the decedent whose claim has not been paid, allowed or disallowed as provided in section 473.403.  Proof of publication of notice under this section and proof of mailing of notice shall be filed not later than ten days after completion of the publication."

In my (amateur) understanding, this means that Annie, being one of Jerry's heirs, should have received a notice, by mail, of the appointment of the personal representative (her mother Connie Gibstine) in July 2018?

But it seems to me that Annie didn't learn of her father's will until late 2019?

• From the caption of the YouTube video:
  • This is the first song I learned on ukulele! 10/10 recommend singing your feelings.
• Lyrics (the song is How Far I'll Go by Auli'i Cravalho):
  • I've been staring at the edge of the water
    Long as I can remember
    Never really knowing why
    I wish I could be the perfect daughter
    But I come back to the water no matter how hard I try
    Every turn I take, every trail I track
    Every path I make, every road leads back
    To the place I know where I cannot go
    Where I long to be
    See the line where the sky meets the sea?
    It calls me
    And no one knows how far it goes
    If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me
    One day I'll know
    If I go, there's just no telling how far I'll go
    I know everybody on this island seems so happy on this island
    Everything is by design
    I know everybody on this island has a role on this island
    So maybe I can roll with mine
    I can lead with pride, I can make us strong
    I'll be satisfied if I play along
    But the voice inside sings a different song
    What is wrong with me?
    See the light as it shines on the sea?
    It's blinding
    But no one knows how deep it goes
    And it seems like it's calling out to me, so come find me
    And let me know
    What's beyond that line, will I cross that line?
    See the line where the sky meets the sea?
    It calls me
    And no one knows how far it goes
    If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me
    One day I'll know how far I'll go

• The image above is from 0:24 in the video. I've annotated Annie's ukelele in red.
• I note this here because it corroborates (or, at least, seems consistent with) Annie's claim (as reported in [EW23a]) that Annie had a ukelele in 2018, and played a song for Sam and some of his friends at their house (as I noted in this Timeline.)
• This is the first of the videos on Annie's YouTube channel in which Annie's ukelele is mentioned (in the title, at least.) (See image below)

  • 

• From the caption of the YouTube video:
  • "This is from two months ago"
• From the YouTube video itself:
  • 0:09 -- "Here's some video journaling for myself! I've been thinking a lot about the difference between processing something on our own, and thinking and feeling about it, and then how we express that to others, or to ourselves on the camera. And when we explain something to someone, we're sort of doing our best to explain this...we're attempting to give this whole truly inexplicable context of things about how we came to those thoughts and feelings. Because no one's ever gonna know. No one is with us 24/7, besides ourselves. So when we talk to other people, and we express something that we've been thinking about, and dealing with, and whatever, in our processing, they have very little context...their context is just their own experience and whatever process of whatever they're dealing with and processing, and not knowing the context for it. Like someone potentially watching me talk about this has no idea -- and that's okay -- about all of the background thoughts and feelings that have led to me, in this moment, turning on my phone camera, while strolling, to video journal. And that's fine. And this will be received however someone will receive it. And they'll think and feel on it however they're going to. I feel like as an anxious over-explainer, I've spent a lot of time really wanting to force other people to get exactly where I'm coming from, and be like, you know, to be seen and heard and understood, like I have to have people know all the context of these thoughts that I'm thinking, and how I got to them. And that shit's just unrealistic. And also part of the fun, dare I say, in life, is all of the unknowns, and is the fact that everyone's perspective is so different, and that we can't know other people's whatever, that we are also biased by our own perspective and that that's okay. Rather than running from our egos, to get a little hippy-rambley, just embracing -- the same as embracing whatever feelings come up -- embracing that we're human with an ego and with a biased perspective."
  • 4:03 -- "Someone having an ego -- and maybe the stronger that ego is -- can lead people -- and I've totally fell into this too -- to be like, 'Oh, I know someone else's answers.' Like, 'I can, I can tell someone else what their life is going to be like, or what they should be doing,' or any of that sort of, sort of the stuff. Which, as I ramble that out loud, is probably a way to avoid our own ego and dealing with figuring out our answers to things."
  • 9:16 -- "And then circling back once more, to, how do we get across things that we're thinking about a lot in our head in a way that is digestible and accessible to someone else who's not sitting with us all the time and has no idea of the context of all these things that we're thinking of because, while these things all seem, like, connected to me, I can only guess that, to someone else, well maybe they seem loosely connected, like they don't seem all on the same theme as much, like maybe you're like 'Oh this is all interesting, but you're all over the place Annie', and that's totally valid...Maybe you are 'cause you're thinking similar things. So look, maybe you're like, 'Oh my god these are so many things I've been thinking about, and blah blah blah' -- I have no idea, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Regardless, it was some good, therapeutic video journaling. Thanks for watching, thanks for being you!"

• "For context: Connie (biological mother) kicked me off her health insurance less than three months after Dad died, when I was 24 and could have stayed on her work one for two more years" [AA24h]

• Annie Altman (37:48): It just goes to show how much of it again. Is that ever changing finding some sort of symbiosis between your internal external world, that is not the balancing scales and is not a right or wrong or something that there's ever that aha moment of I know how to be a human. Now I know exactly how to be an Opera. I'm exactly how to be an Annie. I figured it all out.  so, part of where, In our generation, people are getting that idea that people have figured it all out. And something that Has been helpful and harmful to this. Innate human self-conscious feeling.
• Annie Altman (49:31): made me think of something you said in an unrelated. All the you know, everything's related man, conversation, of. A paraphrase that all them. Maybe these were your exact words feelings are feelings and actions are actions like you can have certain feelings and take different actions and truthfully. This is Not hyperbolically. Blowing my mind a little bit as someone who's lived so much of my life with this philosophy of acting, based on my feelings, being a intense Feeler and learning more and more. And Agreeing with the phrase of trust your gut. And also, for the very first time here on what we're crossing, our fingers is recording this time. I'm coming to a new idea that -- question, I got. Or sometimes to listen to my gut and still act. And to disobey it in some ways, have that fearful gut thing and still start the podcast. {stuttering throughout}
• Annie Altman (53:28): Mission has come to late. as they say, in the big basket, I think that it's a it's a very helpful tool to be more compassionate with ourselves and others to know that. We're all doing the best so to speak with what we know at the time. and, We were talking. Question that was bringing up for me. What do you think about the idea that? perhaps a very large chunk of our self-consciousness is coming from the fact that we are aware that there is a greater awareness than ourselves. We know that there is more, we do not know. And yet we know that we only know this finite amount and this reminds me of a story. My mom loves to tell 🔴🔴🔴one of those stories that I remember her story telling of rather than the thing🔴🔴🔴 when I was three and she brought out a helmet to me, I was gonna ride on the back of her bicycle. And I said, no, that's Jack's helmet. My brother. And she said, wow, you know, everything, tell me, and I said, no, I don't, I don't know everything. and she goes, okay, tell me something you don't know And I said, I can't tell you the things, I don't know because then they'd be things, I do know and you can't say the things you don't know. Dear patient mother was like whoa like what do I say that? Jugular vein popping. Three year old.
• Annie Altman (54:59): until Me, Maybe, you know, it one day in the future and yet we know as humans that there are these unknowns and I wonder how much of our self-consciousness and insecurity in ourselves comes from again this extra title together here. This expectation, we're putting on ourselves. That in this reality. we know everything that we are on the mission and that that we know it all basically and this is coming from a huge note at all who, you know, I just told a story of 🔴🔴🔴me being a snarky and [pauses], Overthinking in positive and negative, quote ways, three year old🔴🔴🔴. that we don't know at all, we can never know it all and yet We sort of think we do, because we know the infinite nature. So, we think this is definitely getting rambly. I hope you're seeing where I'm going with this.

• Annie Altman (0:00): Hello. My name is Annie Altman and I've spent my life on a quest for true shit. So far, I've learned that the truth hurts is some true shit and that there is no ultimate true shit. Because my truth is different from someone else's truth and my truth now is different from my truth, a year ago. Some true shit that has held up over time. One be honest, the true shit will come out eventually and lying only complicated things. Two, the truth is simple and lies are complicated. Three be kind and treat people how you want to be treated. You are uninterested and someone else imposing their true shit onto your making something. You know, to avoid imposing your true shit, onto others. This show is basically an opportunity for me to shoot the shit about things. I want to shoot the shit about with people. I want to shoot the shit with. Thanks for listening to me. Practice Heating. In today's episode, I will be discussing love with my dear friend akshi. Vidya Nathan who is currently in India we met at Tufts and both studied things in the psychology related fields and United to Dive Right into one of the whole world's favorite topics.
• Annie Altman (3:22): I definitely experienced that in my three months of choosing to live in a car that Is a lot of time to reflect. What will you walk? The listeners. through your more quote unquote, traditional life style before this past whole year, really, you've had of Being a nomad.
• Annie Altman (4:57): I definitely from my car experience that it was sort of I've been on one extreme for so long of having such a structured lifestyle that I wanted the Other Extreme in this sort of balancing out feeling in my head. And do you think there's a middle ground Middle Ground exists? Or is part of the middle ground doing both? Do you see yourself working a desk job
• Annie Altman (14:51): so this is interesting because in some ways I I very much see music festivals as another sort of check your privilege thing because they're expensive to go to because it's time that if people are working that they are taking off from work, and I know there are That. that generalization of mine holds and doesn't hold because there are ways you can volunteer at festivals for example and I don't I am without a specific point on this. As much as I know for me. Living in a car. Definitely made me reflect a lot on both my privilege and my guilt about it. And how do I learn from it? What do I do with it? I, Yeah, it's interesting hearing you talk about having moments with friends. Not having dinner with them. and, Maybe that's all. So part of your flowy personality that you're like, oh these are the people I'm with. And this is what happened to tonight. Even as a kid that you were like Cool. I feel like little Annie would have been like This is an outrage we're all going to my house for dinner. Like I did some of that too. I would I was
• Annie Altman (30:18): that there's people who show more of the mess as well, or I appreciate that perspective as always, thank you for helping. Keep me in check with my overthinking and judging. That's true. And the other thing is that there's space for all of it and in terms of Influencing greater numbers of people. There's going to be some people who resonate more with the highly curated Pages. Versus the ones that are quote more real from my. And there is something to be
• Annie Altman (33:08): Interesting. I know for me, I wanted. That was my first time living alone. I was living in a car. And so yeah. Hi, I'm Annie. Nice to meet you and I live intensely...I'm glad I can make that joke for like the third time. Since I have since I've seen you
• Annie Altman (35:39): let's talk about that more too. Using that word flow. That is a word that comes from my for me too. And I think of the question what does car like feel like is it feels like Being. almost obscenely present and letting go of that daily structure of things, which is we said, has its pros and cons well, you feel like
• Annie Altman (43:58): I should have could have discussed with you before recording. If you're cool to talk about psychedelics on the air I have just a handful of experiences and You have more than that. Yes, I know people. I know we've both discussed the ways in which car life can feel sort of like an extended trip
• Annie Altman (48:30): okay. As. You know, I am. Have the propensity to be very anal person. That was part of why, you know, I took did all the pre-med classes and I had this very Narrow Lane life. Path idea that I had attached to. Because I was scared to have the. I was scared of flow. so, for me, I would say the biggest lesson. Was to trust myself. As cashew cheesy, as that might sound. to trust my own flow and to trust that I will be taking care of 🟠🟠so it was interesting growing up in such a privileged environment that I still had these background fears that. I was unaware of and so was not addressing until I lived in a car🟠🟠 and before living in a car of taking a couple months and hopping around and couch, surfing with different friends, 🟠🟠That. I was unaware that I had these background fears of having a place to sleep and having food to eat.🟠🟠 and, Also. I had sold myself on the story that I thrive in consistency and that 🟠🟠I need a schedule because otherwise, I'm gonna have too much time to sit around. And then if I sit around too much, I'm gonna overthink and getting anxious and depressed🟠🟠 more and rather than how I feel about it now, which is that anxious and depressed. 🟠🟠Thoughts are gonna come up in me. Sometimes that's my nature.🟠🟠 That's human nature. That is my nature. And intentionally giving myself the time and space. To sort through them. Has. Non sarcastically connected me with my self in new ways. because it allowed me to sort through a lot of the bullshit, and it also allowed me to be aware of, and then stay Steps towards letting go. Of this inherent distrust. I had in my self. To. Or maybe, you know, I could say just trust I had in the universe or the whatever that life would work out of me feeling like I'm not allowed to be happy, I'm not allowed to be calm, I'm not allowed to have things work out. a lot of those things that boil down to the not enoughness and, To live in a car choosing to be less comfortable, choosing to be less scheduled. And in some ways I thought, I've thought about how it was a 
  🟡proving to myself. That. I could do something that I previously would have shown on or that hyper anal, High School, Annie would have Scoffed at.🟡 Such extreme hippie dumb or been like, get a job or whatever and
• Annie Altman (51:43): Yeah. So it felt really good to. It was like I don't know if you can resonate at all with. Sort of 🟡shedding that past self that judged that life style so much.🟡
• Annie Altman (54:34): I am loving awareness, thank you. Wow, that's amazing. I really a mind blown. I three for three podcasts now that Rambling and talking about things has led to something that I had never thought about or put the words to. So thank you. That's huge. That's a huge part of it. And for me also I never thought about this either that it taught me how to recognize my own anxieties in a new way and it taught me the power of flowing through them. So the anxiety comes up and recognize it. 🟡For me, when I was in the nine-to-five and I was in the student and pre-med and all of those things. Something would anxiety would come up and I would just push it down and I would be like, no, I got to do this thing. I got to do this thing. Yeah.🟡
• Annie Altman (55:27): is giving it the space to come up? and then because of the car life, I'm not like I'm sitting in doing in my car. Sounds pretty on appealing,
• Annie Altman (55:38): I'm Gonna Keep flowing. The anxiety comes up by recognize it, and I'm like, okay, well, I'm still gonna go call this friend or go here and write and work on this thing, or go check out this other place, or That's a. much more profound lesson and I'm super grateful for your significantly less verbosity getting to that point of recognizing the feeling. Is this why people do car life? really a little, a lot of it Florida. And I would be curious how much that holds for a lot of people. Because I've heard people say things about, you know, the classic finding themselves through traveling or through whatever. And people talking about that with a nomadic lifestyle, how much of that do you think has to do with? You're still triggered, you're still a human, it's giving you a different perspective and awareness on those triggers.

• The general idea (to me) is that Annie starts to process/realize that a panic attack is not her earliest memory. c.f. 2 bullet points below.

• Annie Altman (27:32): 🔴🔴🔴that one resonated with me too and I was in kindergarten and was a very picky eater and then went vegetarian very young having one older brother who wasn't knowing about it. And Still, how I feel to this day is that thing was just walking around and eating. Why would I eat it? That little kid just that was sense.🔴🔴🔴

• Annie Altman (2:54): Wow. I immediately reminded why I love doing this podcast. That was, that's amazing. I've never thought about alignment as space and I've never thought about space and kindness. As connected to, that's incredible. I think they're quite equal completely. The benefit of the doubt mentality of giving space to someone else space. Oh, wow. And someone just said this to me recently about Accepting unknowns and uncertainty, creating space.
• Annie Altman (3:57): recording with the type A personality type, I think that's why space as a lineman is. So or alignment is space, is so interesting to me is that my General operating has been to force to control to say alignment is putting things in a rigid order. And yeah, exact opposite of this idea of path of least resistance.
• Annie Altman (5:26): would be. Yeah, anything Forest. How do you find that balance? personally between some getting your ducks in a row of like, oh, my left shoulder is higher than my right shoulder and also For my self-talk, not being like Annie. You're terrible at yoga. What are you sure doin' here? Sure,
• Annie Altman (10:47): absolutely, the next thing I had written down and this was a personal thing for me and my again type A addictive personality is alignment addiction or this. I guess sort of obsession with perfection around alignment and I think in a lot of ways you already touched on that with Forgiveness, and even. It's a funny sort of extra meta or whatever layer thing of even practicing slowly forgiving myself for having such rigid standards and beliefs about alignment. I mean, like great there's again, as we were talking about before there's benefits to having that type A focused. whatever insert words, you want their things and Seeing the space for both sides.
• Annie Altman (15:41): beautiful two things that came up for me. With that. The first is the, this is Water by David Foster. Wallace is one of my favorite speeches and I love that example with being in the pool in a similar thing of when you're in water, not realizing you're in water, right? Not knowing what you're in. When you're in it. And I I also the irony of verbal processing which clearly I'm an enjoyer of 🟠🟠verbal processing for things that there aren't words for.🟠🟠 I love that you brought that up. That's a really important thing to touch on. Is that these words are just grasping at it and if anything I would say, the words are a way for my feelings to feel validated and feel like I can sort of understand someone else's experience and relate to that and see how mine is the same and different or just connect in that way on it. They're just words, there's not actual it is it's intellectualizing which David Foster wall, brings out something about encouraging his tendency to over-intellectualize stuff and I'm just like David me too dude. Yeah
• Annie Altman (19:54): I'm definitely Pro labeled to a certain capacity of things. I know when I was younger learning, the word anxiety was really empowering to me because I was like, oh, there's a label for this. This feeling of like to go to connect the words and the feelings can feel really empowering. And for me, I guess as I've gotten to the ripe old age of 24. They're refining has been letting go of the attachment to the label or letting go of always needing to have one or perhaps. Also, always needing to have one immediately. not taking that pause before being like, Oh, I'm feeling sad. I'm feeling tired. Like
• Annie Altman (21:20): mindful speeches is very powerful stuff. It's definitely Passion of mine and now I'm mincing my words or wanting to be hyper mindful of it. I do words have a lot of power and this is great. This brings up to go off the loose script of things alignment and speech and aligning your words and your feelings and how tricky that is read everything. We've been discussing about, how 🟠🟠there aren't words for feelings🟠🟠 and something like, sadness is here. The other thing that comes up for me with that is, One. I statements are the only real statements to me in human language. So, well, in the one hand, I love sadness is here. I also have someone is sad. I am on board with the phrase. I am feeling sad. Yeah,
• Annie Altman (29:03):  Yes, yes. And I think to Circle back to that Stillness and Alignment creating space. For me, that is probably all my hesitation at times to create that space is I'm like I know this gonna bring up a lot of shit. Yeah totally. 🟡I'm gonna get in Pigeon pose and something some emotions about to come out.🟡 Right? Right. So then I'll just grab my water
• Annie Altman (32:14): So nice. Yeah I'm wondering. And perhaps this is philosophy, cliche in some ways of how much presence fits into the definition of a lineman as well. And how much of alignment is recognizing what's there? again, like a lineman as awareness as opposed to Specially until this moment. What was my? Strong belief that alignment is being perfectly symmetrical, right? Right. And I
• Annie Altman (38:00): Yeah, that reminds me a little philosophy. So I used to be able to believe that if I'm going to be honest and communicative about things and everything needs to be on the table all the time.And then I realized that shirts unsustainable because I did that to my feelings too, where I was like I have to feel all my feelings all the time or I'm denying them. Whoa timing. My current philosophy will see what happens in another whatever is everything on the table at some point. So, not just regarding anything, not necessarily inviting every single thing in every moment, right? Having that timing for things and when to know when I love all that you brought up alignment in connection, that's another great topic of. And there's so many things that we can go into their about needing to aligning what, whatever aligning yourself in order to align with others and then all. So The different learning that happens of. How do I sit in the present myself? And then how do I sit and be present with someone else? And then extend that even more to what happens in big groups of humans and you have a big group dynamic or huge crowd, Dynamic and then What a klusterfuk of alignment in the most beautiful way. Well, in that sense. And I
• Annie Altman (46:03): I really am grateful and yeah I well I loved that phrase. I could put that up in my kitchen here somewhere of practices about remembering. And forgiving. When we forget, yeah. Yeah. just, That's why they call it a practice. They say, you just keep keep remembering. That's it. We're all just going about our days for getting everything and remembering everything. I mean,
• Annie Altman (46:58): were you were going with? That was the idea of talking to yourself. Like you would talk to a friend, as it's true, which is, it totally true. And I also really enjoy the if a friend was doing something to you, you would still love them, you would still talk to them in a kind way and part of your feeling, would you would feel hurt to somehow capacity of Why, why are they remembering? And I I just speak and I just do that same thing with my self of Why aren't I the perfectionism again? Why I remembering that I am here and present. Right? Damn it. Annie and all right, at least you got like a stand up. Of that movement. Like
   

• Annie Altman (6:07): we want to find it right before I turn on the microphone. The yoga metaphor is just keep keep coming and for me they've been a game changer quote on quote of taking life less seriously
• Annie Altman (21:30): perspective and the stories we come up with. absolutely I've also found for me that There's a direct correlation between how nicely I in my head, talk to other people, or make judgments or criticisms, or just have any, any thoughts and feelings about other people and the thoughts and feelings. I'm having about myself. And I found that with teachers as well. I always laugh. When people will say things about a certain teacher style or something that was frustrating for them and I Currently at least fall into the camp of. Those are the things generally that are teaching you the most because you're all the characters in the story so you're seeing whatever. and it's an interesting, then how you Again, go between the reality of okay? I just saw these 30 people in here and then okay, well I told myself all of these five stories and I have no, the accuracy, the true shit, miss the whatever of those stories. Is is open for interpretation and sort of constantly refining. Constantly refining and and connecting? Yeah,
• Annie Altman (32:47): which ties really nicely all the way back to the first what is Yoga Union bringing people together? Reminding people we have more common than there's something I find also and maybe this was part of the physical practice drawing me. Probably both tend to be the answer. There's something about the heat that I find to be very equalizing. that in my experience has There's something sort of comforting about sweating a lot or having the noise of heaters or whatever it is. We'll see what happens with the recording. Yeah. There's something really nice about sweating a lot and then you twist or you, whatever and person next to you, is also dripping on to their matter or you look between your legs and a down dog. And you could see someone like peripheral vision, you see someone else sweating. And that moment for me is like, oh yeah, like this, we're our bodies are all pretty much the same here, right? We're all exposed to similar conditions. Yeah. Have you ever noticed? So, The heat presents this. This known element in conversation. That I'm going to sweat a lot. But then, do you ever notice the guidance, that It breaks for you to.
• Annie Altman (48:50): Which again, coming from your own experience. And Balancing. And I use the word balance with some hesitation. I I see. These more as what sustainable? Figuring out how to both. Except to go back all the way to the beginning. Here, maybe what your eyes saw, what information, you've taken in things you've seen and also accepting, 🟡how much there is that is unknown about yourself and about other people and letting go of this idea of having everything figured out or knowing everything🟡 or Its. Back to authenticity as well. I find that withstand up and with yoga teachers, Inauthenticity, is, is a feeling, is a, or authenticity, is a feeling as well. And when Someone is sharing from a place that really feels true to them. It's sort of to me, it's the same as when you're around someone who's really stressed. Even the least, woo, interested person. Will generally agree that if they're around someone who's stressing that they feel a little stressed.
• Annie Altman (1:03:03): definitely. at least my fears around death, come with the reminder of the impermanence of life 

• Annie Altman (12:08): stay connected to that inner voice, I definitely resonate with that inner critic, that will come up and say you're not prepared. You're not being perfectly. Authentic, you're not being whatever. Just,
• Annie Altman (21:50): thank you for bringing up in The Bravery of sharing about alcohol and drinking. Oh yeah, the topic of the ways in which All of us. 🟡Have some mechanisms that will hide from our voice or will numb it or Put it in a box, or pick your metaphor about it. Totally and often. I found in my experience. It takes a while for me to even be aware that I'm doing that. sometimes I can run from my voice for a while, and then, Oh yeah, you're totally avoiding that part of you. Glossing over this or that.🟡 And I think for me, that's why having over variety of tools. Is a helpful thing. All I am really glad you brought up the tennis video and bringing it to an athletic example. I've definitely found with Yoga Austin and certain postures and macro that can be really helpful too to have again that objective perspective of Are my shoulder stacked over my wrists and just seeing it in the picture or listening to your voice, listening to your old. I'm very excited to go back and listen to your first one. Now, we should be with your past.
• Annie Altman (24:53): I'm glad it's I, Excited to get. To have you to honor is your openness to reflecting on these kinds of things and talking about them and communicating, which is such a passion of mine and just wanting everyone to talk about, all their feelings, all the time.
• Annie Altman (25:37): supposedly, that's an Sort of odd and interesting combination because there's this fiery curious. Fuck the system. Fuck the rules with this very authoritative. Reliable work, Focus. Wow. Very cool. So here we are. Yeah. And it's ooh to talk about to tie it in to finding your voice, part of why I came around to astrology after most of my life of this hippie bulshit like all of the judgmental whatever's about it is that it's been another tool for me to find my voice and my self and even I'll say to friends often, I do still think there's confirmation bias in astrology and you can look for what you want and also any tool that helps me and anyone else learn a little bit more about themselves. I am here for. So even just reading something and saying, oh, that resonates with me. Oh, that doesn't, that's already been a helpful tool for me and finding Finding stuff out about myself and I also really loved the birthday book. I got into that one too and like looking up your. Yeah.
• Annie Altman (39:59): To tune into your voice. And then the self-care to Tune into it in a nice way and to give it the space to exist it bring up all sorts of. And I do think this is a female specific thing and also just a human thing feeling it once like, oh, I'm too much and also like, I'm not enough and I'm allowed to take up the space. Or is there a place for me? Yeah. so to end with perhaps, A little obvious of a question all though. I'm Confident you both will have wonderful things to say. What do you believe is the importance of finding one's voice? Why

• Reading [AA18b] in its entirety makes the connections a bit more clear here. The piece basically details Annie's gradual process, from the time of her Dad's death in May 2018, to the date of [AA18b]'s publication on November 8, 2018,  of remembering/realizing that a panic attack is not her earliest memory. {Presumably, her earliest memory is her memory of being (sexually) abused by Sam, but it takes Annie a bit to fully process this memory, because it's so traumatic, and her brain repressed the memory as a defense mechanism when she was 4 years old.}
• To me, if you read through Annie's writings in chronological order, they do seem consistent with the hypothesis that Annie, over time, gradually recalled her memories of Sam's sexual abuse, which her mind (as a trauma response) had repressed earlier in her life. (Though, of course, there are other possible explanations.)
  • E.g. here is a sample of Annie's writings, in which you can see how her writing changes over the course of nearly 6 years.
    • 11-08-2018: "Reclaiming my memories" [AA18b]
    • 02-21-2019: "Period lost, period found" [AA19b]
    • 03-06-2019: "18 reasons I spent 18 years criticizing my appearance" [AA19c]
    • 09-22-2020: "An open letter to relatives" [AA20a]
    • 06-07-2021: "An Open Letter To The EMDR Trauma Therapist Who Fired Me For Doing Sex Work" [AA21c]
    • 11-22-2023: "“How We Do Anything Is How We Do Everything”" [AA23m]
    • 03-27-2024: "How I Started Escorting" [AA24b]

• Annie Altman (1:36): Things are still here. No broken. No broken materials. So, the reason that I asked Kyle to record this again is that I'm still figuring out this podcast and my structure for it. And I realized that something that's important to me is to have some common ground. Before we start recording. And so we are allowed and in fact encouraged to disagree. and also to have some baseline point of a philosophy that we both do agree on and what I said to you to now say to the microphone in my kitchen is that I felt like I was sort of boringly agreeable, I think because I For example, the first one I did was someone who I've known for a long time. I feel more comfortable pushing back against someone like that versus someone who I'm just getting to know, or someone who I met more recently and a lot of stuff comes up for me about wanting to be polite and respectful and Being more agreeable and life is more interesting. When the truth comes out eventually. And also, when people have different philosophies everyone thought the same thing. They saw tell myself that would be pretty boring. Who knows? Thank you again, for
• Annie Altman (9:36): I did that with sorry for a while too. So special with women saying sorry and I would always say like I'm doing this more for me, than for you. I, I tell people not to say sorry to remind myself not to say sorry all the time, and I still have that. Really, is that really making a difference? Is that really helping anyone to? That I really I like that. You use the word growth there. I think that connects well with sustainability in terms of sustaining growth. Still still moving. Yeah,
• Annie Altman (19:27): And then to come back to sustainability and balance for me in getting caught up in a very perfectionist mindset often rather than having this idea of needing to label work and rest in place. So I can make sure that I'm balancing them Ask myself, is what I'm doing sustainable. Does this feel sustainable?
• Annie Altman (23:34): You gotta show up and you gotta show up and do it. It definitely think a lot of the work is just showing up. That was another possible cruise ship thesis statement. I'd written down was work is showing up, rest is humility and play as experimenting. And how they all come together. So, one of the other reasons I asked you to re-record, was that last time, my questions focused mostly on physical work, rest, and play. And I wanted to go more into the emotional and spiritual perhaps Realms of that. And I feel like that was a little bit of a transition of the story. You were just telling with the emotional balance of work, and rest and play and honestly, what's the biggest thing in my head coming up is Sort of. As much as I want these to be separate concrete things. The more I asked questions about everything in life, the more I'm reminded that they're this idea of black and white answers is It's like cute, it's a funny joke. It's that's cute. It is. That's kind of how I feel about it. Is they are all happening at once because Again, the opening up to a friend. To me is. Both rest and work in some ways. It's work to talk about your feelings often and to share with someone and to be vulnerable. and then, at the, At the same time. There's a restfulness that comes with. Saying that. That was a well-timed. Yawn for resting. That was a well-timed. Young
• Annie Altman (36:57): and you could say that when you're trying you are doing and when you're doing you like trying, right? This is why on the one hand. Clearly I love words and asking these questions. And then on the other hand, I get Words are so limiting.
• Annie Altman (37:13): Because it just comes down to a feeling and
• Annie Altman (38:42): It's a plane. The yes and is definitely. To go back to sustainability as growth. that philosophy really fits into that and As a self-proclaimed growth junkie at this point in my life that 'yes and' is. Is a game changer. I will say, is it open it opens things up rather than putting things in different boxes. so, in your Experience. Well, do you? Think about or feel about before you start doing something or well, you're doing something like oh is this work or rest or play? Would you say more an especially as you're establishing your own business that you're in? Go mode?
• Annie Altman (44:16): Yeah, this is good for my letting go of My strict question. Schedule. The other thing that was coming up for me. I think, two points ago that you were talking is that To use the balance word. I would guess that the work play. Rest, actually, I'm gonna call it distribution. I would say, distributes differently over the course of your life. I feel as though there's a reason that we associate play with kids and Encourage that and kids more. And that there's been this period if I were to label and break things down into categories. It seems as though the beginning of Life is play and then you work And you rest, or at least that seems like the structure I have been taught to buy into.
• Annie Altman (49:44): to cut you off. I so, I was gonna I was on route to become a physician, I took all those classes and I in a lot of ways feel To again, borderline on hippie extremism. That was me buying into capitalism and saying, well, I have the privilege and I have the scientific skill set to become a physician and that will give me this. Bible where I can work and put in these times and these whatever. And I know, I'll have this outcome and this money and then I'll retire and then I was like, I'm What like I want to the go to yoga for the rest of my life and garden and and do these things that
• Annie Altman (52:00): I would say that. perspective on this one day that He would. Rest, he's kids right here. So the many purposes of children, I feel like a big part is reminding people to play to take things. Let's seriously, and then work, work, work work all the time. It's not sustainable to go back to that one. when you transitioned from being a business, major and said, Okay, I want to act and not sure when you're finished Journey started or how that was part of it, too. Do you think part of it was sustainability? That's me asking because in my journey and transition I got to a point where I realized that what I was doing was not sustainable for me, which I guess is just saying I didn't feel like I was growing or perhaps, I didn't feel so I was growing in the direction. I wanted to grow, right? Well, I had to start feeling that
• Annie Altman (59:57): Yeah. I I definitely resonate with the part of. Practicing getting to a point of trust with myself where rather than needing to hyper analyze. It's just the right or wrong or good or bad thing that I'm doing just, okay, this is what I'm doing right now and great on the point of hurting other people. I do. so, One of my current beliefs is that the sentence you may need me? Feel is a bullshit sentence.
• Annie Altman (1:06:30): and also, I to me, this comes back to what we were talking about before with We're going to place important on anything having a Beyond action, right? So nothing is going to take away from whatever action happened to someone. Who is talking about a me too Story, the whatever. whatever action it is that they are coming forward and talking about how it's there. It happened, they're talking about it. To me the question becomes. And I think in some ways I'm just sort of reiterating what you said, slightly less aggressively of, okay, what are you going to do with that, right? So you had this thing happen to you know, one is wanting to take away. The tragedy, the success. The yeah, no, it's doing. Do that but you're it's people try to add to it with the reaction. Yes, but and it becomes. What is your focus here? Is your is your focus sustainability and growth and moving forward. And then all debate myself, on that a little bit too because in any sort of healing process especially with trauma. I do believe that. People need some amount of space and different for different people and different kind of space to play the victim, or to feel that woe is me. And that this is unfair, because it is any sort of,

• Annie Altman (2:24): Wow, that was what a way to start up. That was amazing. Thank you. So that brings up a couple questions for me of Control of higher power. This is definitely coming from my background of being super science-minded. And then growing up, reformed Jewish getting bought mitzvahed rejecting, Judaism being really atheist, coming back to Judaism. How does this stuff all Come into surrender and
• Annie Altman (6:37): We're like that. Yeah, I like that a lot and help people help each other, practice all of these themes of Being Human, which letting go is seems to be a very central theme because 🟠🟠we keep accumulating experiences and feelings and what we are more than our physical bodies. I know my physical body stores, a lot of these emotions experiences and fears of the future.🟠🟠 And,
• Annie Altman (8:44): absolutely. It's been Just over four months. Now since my father died, and it's been Letting go is just keeps being relevant.
• Annie Altman (8:57): just keeps coming up of the loss. and there's all sorts of very beautiful quotes about It shows you what was there and then you're aware that it's not there. Yeah. And then and then you sit with it and also coming from Tendencies of perfectionism. I a word that came to mind for me when you were talking was forgiveness.
• Annie Altman (9:45): yeah. And It's to me. Black and white is a silly sort of answer to search for for anything because there's a lot to learn from the past for sure. I'm a Believer and forgiving not forgiving necessarily, maybe sometimes forget the thing sometimes, remember the thing and yeah, and learn from it and it's that difference between for me, I would say, not holding on, to the emotional, whatever of it. And more just holding on to sort of as objective. I can a version of the story of what happened. And still the Letting Go not getting, so rigidly attached to. Well, then that's how it's gonna happen in the future because what happened? That way last time Oh yeah, just keep as you're saying, prioritizing feeling good and I definitely used to judge it as feeling way too hippy. Dippy to be like oh if everyone just prioritized feeling good, wouldn't we all feel good? Yeah, yeah. The world the world needs, people prioritizing themselves, feeling good. The other thing, Just getting all jazzed. The other thing that came to my mind, when you were talking was a quote that I love about being angry with someone is like drinking poison and expecting them to die or to be harmed or to whatever that's so true and
• Annie Altman (13:22): does that come up in your life as well, this also reminds you something you said before we started recording of like Basically, being amazed with people who don't have a daily meditation practice or a regular yoga practice of like, how do these people now? Navigate this human thing because this is so many feelings. And what are they doing? And How how do you navigate making letting go making talking about these things? Whatever it is. It's a daily practice for you. How do you navigate that? And why is
• Annie Altman (15:02): Yeah, I would love to be part of normalizing. People talking about 🟠🟠crying in yoga poses more because, yeah, these things come up that you for me, I'll be like, whoa, I wasn't even aware. I was holding on to that.🟠🟠 Yeah, it's
• Annie Altman (15:34): that's a similar theme of not realize not being aware of something until you're aware of it. Yeah. Wait a minute, I can connect to myself. And this way every day and that Influences how my whole day? Yeah.
• Annie Altman (16:20): just tuning into the really helps me. Yeah. Something that I find. on the theme of letting go with this, is that sometimes my perfectionist mind will come out again and say, You know, oh, you're not gonna let go. If you're not practicing, you're not meditating for the same amount of minutes at the same time every day
• Annie Altman (17:10): Yeah. And letting go of all the stories about it not good. What is that mean? You know, you did that with 11 minutes or you didn't do that with 11? Yeah.
• Annie Altman (18:05): Well, yes a lot of taking things less seriously for those perfectionists of us and all. So I really love that
• Annie Altman (18:15): being. I think a quote that you like that, a friend of mine said to me once was there's always a higher perspective that's so true. True. It's so easy to get caught on the nitty-gritty of a situation. There's like whoa wait, there's way more perspective so this situation. Yeah. And also to I don't know if you've experienced this but like when you finally get to that point where you let go on to something you're holding on so tightly. Once you let go, the things that come after that are like so much better than what you originally. And you're like, why was I even holding onto that thing? Like you know it's true. Yeah well it's to me, it's often I'll get this feeling of being caught in the familiar and the things I know and I mean like well this known quantity even if it's not exactly what I'm wanting
• Annie Altman (19:06): seems more comfortable than this scary unknown and you're totally that's totally spot-on. As soon as I'm like Annie if it's not a hell yes it's a know. You know that you enjoy following things that are hell. Yes.
• Annie Altman (21:43): true. It's True. We get so caught in. In that fear and that holding on. And it's interesting to talking about this as much as clearly I love philosophizing and talking and all these things that This is talking about it is not even scratching the surface of it because these are just these are attempts to use words to describe feelings and I'm sort of laughing looking at these questions. I wrote, I'm like, you know, what is the importance of letting go and what does it mean to let go? And how do you, how does
• Annie Altman (22:49): you were talking about with little Rachel of someone canceling plans and that feeling that a lot of people. I'll go ahead as far as to say. Probably everyone. Yeah. Can resonate with of 🟡oh my gosh, my day is over my days. Ruined, my life is over.🟡
• Annie Altman (23:48): sadly put again. Yeah, how do you balance with Law of Attraction and just generally the idea of bringing in what you're putting out? How do you balance? Both letting go of having some rigid like this is how things are gonna go. Like this is the exact job. I'm gonna get in the state in this whatever. Well, also having clarity about what you want and what you're going for. And
• Annie Altman (25:55): It really is all just feeling.
• Rachel Katz (25:56): Yeah, it's just it is.
• Annie Altman (26:00): Calm, and go. And we're constantly having thoughts come up and we're interacting with people. Yeah,
• Rachel Katz (26:05): we
• Annie Altman (26:05): accumulate all these feelings and you just gotta keep it's editing and sort of sifting through of like, okay, like a or maybe it's not editing because eventually it's letting go of all the feelings and just coming back to Love groundedness.
• Annie Altman (29:09): Having that mentality with food. I know that's been a big thing for me in the past few months of moving here, trusting my body to take care of itself and to know what it needs. And so yeah, I want to have something more oily or more processed or less processed to know that. My body's my body's, got it under control. Yeah. Yeah. And so I don't need to get so rigidly attached to control things.
• Annie Altman (33:57): so, then it's funny to me that I'll still have those moments of resistance come up, and those things where I want to hold on, rather than let go and see what happens. Annie. And
• Annie Altman (38:03): most people realize how the more I talk about it with people and me coming into. 🟡Wow, I had no idea just how to disordered my eating had been my whole life.🟡 It feels like so many people are
• Annie Altman (38:56): Getting in obsessed, with these ideas of, I can make my body look this way or I can be on this. Horse this thing, or that thing because I don't eat meat or I don't eat gluten or I don't eat carbs or

• Annie Altman (3:28): Okay, this is going a couple questions ahead. No, no, there's this is good. I'm learning to not go in the exact order of things and finally, Well, that what you just said, brought up destiny fate?
• Annie Altman (24:06): And that's the part that we have any control over control. Yeah, whole other topic. Other kind of wears if there's anything we do. Have in our actions is our numbers. How many times are you eating something, green? How many
• Annie Altman (49:03): And for women to be more bold which seems like, or I want to believe because of people who I've talked about their encounters, that there is some shift happening towards women. Being the one to say hey I like you. Hey, I want to whatever and also for to me Both parties gender completely fucking irrelevant of. I'm a believer that if you are going to have sex with someone and people can do what they want with their bodies and how they want to. So this is a for me personally that I believe is can be helpful to other people, too, if I want to have sex with someone. I want to be able to talk about having sex with them and just say Hey, this is what I'm wanting, what are you wanting? And but I'm all here for all of those movie moments of you just start whatever and I there is a time and place for that and believe me as a hyper. Analyzer and talkative person, I am. I will be the first to say that I can go in the excessively talking route. However, I think there's an excessively, not talking about route that's going on

• Annie Altman (7:38): I would say how how do you feel about this idea that grief is an undercurrent of everyone's life? some people perhaps are made more aware of it because going through so many experiences of Shoving it in your face like that work. Just comes up.
• Annie Altman (9:02): absolutely. In some ways I felt in the process of grieving, my dad that I've been both. Through none of the stages of grief yet and I've been through all of them several times.
• Annie Altman (9:14): It just keep coming and keep coming around the the letting go ask things is when I've been thinking about with it, a lot too, in that I find grieving and letting go to be same same but different. I'm still figuring out how exactly I differentiate them, because to me just saying, grief is Letting Go Is a bit of an oversimplification. I feel like letting go is a part of grieving. To me also in the that example of you know feeling numb not addressing something and then it comes up later part of grieving in my experience as also been. How do I really sit with this in an honest way? So that I can let it go
• Annie Altman (10:34): wow, it's it's been interesting for me also a lot of other life philosophies that grieving has brought up and my coping mechanism of where is the philosophical lesson I can take from this, or Extrapolate onto something rather than just saying. My own, I feel statements about things, I had two friends, who lost parents also 18. And one of the things they said with me the week, my dad died was. You're going to feel good sometimes, and you're going to feel guilty about it
• Annie Altman (11:07): remind yourself. That you're allowed to feel good that he wants you to feel good and something. I thought about a lot with that is that I've been a theme of my whole life. I had not been aware of in that way of Not letting myself feel good. And perhaps, that's the not letting go. Of things like holding on, so tightly to. perfectionist to Some ideal to some expectation of something.
• Annie Altman (11:32): rather than letting go and letting myself receive be happy and joy.
• Annie Altman (15:04): and 🔴🔴🔴I also from a young age, definitely would be very focused on, the fact that we're not all going to be here -- when I was really little, actually, I had a compulsive thing about having to tell my parents, I love them every night before bedtime because I was afraid they would die in the middle of the night or if in case they did the last thing I told them had to be, I love you.🔴🔴🔴
• Annie Altman (15:28): Before it goes. Yeah. Kids actually seem to have a really interesting conception of death and a lot of ways.
• Annie Altman (17:02): Jump Ahead to how grief and influences spirituality and that idea that okay, nothing's permanent. We're all gonna die, none of this matters or you know nothing is that big a deal because none of us are here forever and also will wait, what if What if we are reincarnated? What if they're all multiple lifetimes? What if there are? Soul connections, Soul something that are more than I could ever put in the words to microphone.
• Annie Altman (20:19): think made me think of what you said. Of screw guilt. Having any sort of mentality of, I'm a victim of my own existence or things are out to get me or
• Annie Altman (20:46): except I am whatever comes in life and perhaps that goes back to the Gratitude of it makes me more grateful for whatever I have rather than placing any sort of expectations on things or control things and I think that's a big part of how death is viewed and Western culture too is that we can't control it. And so if you look at How? In medicine and modern medicine. In the United States is all focused on longevity. And I do feel that the conversation is starting to shift. Though, for the most part, the conversation has been about quantity of Life. Over quality
• Annie Altman (23:19): Holy existence thing in the first place, or it can make people think. V. And I definitely went through a period before my dad died in my like, hyper science-minded. Period of like, well, there can't be a God because if there's a God, no child, would have cancer and
• Annie Altman (27:40): I've definitely happy-cried more since my dad died than I ever have. Which has been a -- it's just been a it's a very cool experience. My dad sends bunnies is mostly,
• Annie Altman (27:46): like not necessarily live bunnies, like a bunny figurine or like bunny on a shirt
• Annie Altman (29:34): Yeah, yeah. Like with people in physical Yoga practices, in their body that they don't realize or I've done as well, that I didn't realize I was hunting the shoulder up or something was so tense because
• Thomas Harris (29:51): Grief that went through.
• Annie Altman (29:52): Yeah. Or just any sort of trauma of things and then you don't realize that you're doing it.
• Thomas Harris (29:58): Yeah, our story and the body, Yeah, everywhere. My heart soul.
• Annie Altman (30:11): Oh that's another great topic to go into of where does grief get stored? Everywhere is right?
• Annie Altman (39:57): Yeah. Which giving space for that and thinking about it and all. So recognizing my tendency to overthink things.
• Thomas Harris (40:13): Yeah.
• Annie Altman (40:13): Or to over-intellectualize things or to be like, yeah, I can totally think my way through these feeling. Yeah.
• Thomas Harris (40:19): Story of my life.
• Annie Altman (40:21): Yeah.
• Thomas Harris (40:21): Mm-hmm.
• Annie Altman (40:23): Rather than feeling the feeling
• Thomas Harris (40:25): right?
• Annie Altman (40:25): And even to this moment, when I say that out loud, I'm still unsure totally what that means when I'm like okay Annie sit with your feelings, allow them feel your feelings. What the fuck does that mean? Like what does that look like in practice to feel your feelings,
• Thomas Harris (40:41): right?
• Annie Altman (40:43): So that's you, then that's you know we're talking about playing ukulele and for me it's a lot of physical thing that I'm a very physical  expressor of feelings
• Annie Altman (43:58): And obviously no one can acknowledge my pain until I acknowledge my pain and also that bonding of having someone else acknowledge it as well. Mm-hmm. And then at least in my practice currently are in part of my avoiding a feeling. Yeah. That's where some of the guilt comes in, for me. Yeah. Oh, I'm a burden on these people. For having these big sad feelings for being anything, but a positive light of sunshine all the time.
• Annie Altman (44:43): It's been really remarkable. One of the things I said in this beach at my dad's service was about How I found the love and support. I got was receiving from him. Now, spread out among other people and see how it's transformed. So many of my relationships because People have. Helped me see the ways to be real with the pain while also. Still. Tending to those parts of me that loved life that get excited to live that
• Annie Altman (46:26): And hold myself to a standard of of that too and also learned to Let go of my controlling things and receive that support from other people, too.

• Annie Altman (4:14): Letting go of controlling and other people's whatever. Whatever. Well, that brought to mind, when you're talking about it, I think partially because we were talking about spirituality and substances and this idea of that I had gotten really attached to of this purity of being spiritual. And I must be kind of a perfect, not kind of be a perfectionist in spirituality, which yeah, it's fucking hilarious. so when you said that, what it reminded me of was one of the first times that I got stoned and something I've talked about with people with Cannabis Marijuana, pot, whatever. Before of that idea that when you're stoned and you go out in public and you're like, oh my God, everyone's Stone. It's a similar thing to that, you're like, everyone's feeling what I'm feeling? No, they're not. They're no.
• Annie Altman (7:46): the paranoia is no. Is thinking that like, is that feeling of I'm an outsider no one else is feeling what? I'm feeling going through. What I'm going through.
• Annie Altman (8:10): as I said to you for recording all, so I'm always grateful for people, getting me out of my routine and my rigid rules about things and
• Annie Altman (8:57): Yeah. That's a perfect transition bringing up astrology. That was one of the things we talked about on the phone and something that after a lifetime of saying astrology, bulshit I accepted and then in classic Annie obsessive, was like, this is everything. And this is all of this explains everything and then have been, oh wait this is, this is just another means of learning this explained some things and and not everything that is a perfect transition to get us into The topic for of the topic of labels and astrology. Being One of many ways that humans want to construct meaning out of things and put labels on things. So thank you for forgetting us there. Yeah I generally like to start with definitions so when you hear the word label what does that word bring up for you?
• Annie Altman (13:05): quote that, I love, that says, the Curious Paradox. Something along the lines of the Curious Paradox of life is that when I accept myself, just as I am, then I can change. and yeah, and so fighting these natural human inclinations to categorize and to label, and to judge And to make meaning of things, is the label that comes to mind for me for that practices silly. That's a silly thing to act like oh I never make judgments. Oh I'm above judgments because In. Because you're human. So of course you're judging and also to say that you're above judgments or and I'll say too, sometimes I'll judge hating labels are all judge labels and it's like, this is just a metamind. Fuck of and so rather than wanting to get out of it in some way and remove myself from it, Dive on in and say cool. Labels are part of life. I dig it. Cool. The fact that words are eliminating is part of life. I dig it.
• Annie Altman (16:52): then to come back to not knowing other people's feelings, other people's whatever, is that two people could look at a painting two people could listen to a song. And interpret it complete not only differently opposite ways and maybe those are both entirely different from whatever the artist was intending if they were intending anything
• Annie Altman (20:32): to bring it to science. Again I would say for me those moments are dropping the need to intellectualize and to give proof and justification and Want to say well it's because of X Y and Z, right? And as you said, it's just I just know there's just some part of me in here that knows I also really love to touch on again, what you said about. I just love that first initial response. So of how beautiful it is that people see things differently rather than fuk no one understands me or fuck the world's out to get me or that just the world sucks or any sort of those negative. Things are things are bad, things are not here for me, perspective of one shit would be boring if everyone had the same perspective, nothing like what would be happening in the world? Is a big that's the big one that comes up for me all. So in quote that I've been really loving the past few months of it takes all kinds of people. It takes, it takes all kinds of people. Yeah, it definitely helps me be patient with myself and with other people of these things are not better or worse. They're just different it. Just take, it takes all kinds of different people. There's infinite kinds of different people. And let's learn and explore and figure out how to get paid to learn about it for this. Human that wants that to be part of
• Annie Altman (22:31): like we use astrology labels. Like what can I learn from people of different Sun signs or Myers Briggs label? Currently my my current obsession is I'm like okay if I know someone's Myers Briggs and some a few things about their birth chart which is really just like the big three things and slowly learning about other planets. And love languages is the current Obsession. I'm like, then I I know that person which is bullshit like that, I don't know that person. I feel like I know that person because I know these labels about them and then A sort of categorize in my head. I'll, I'll group people in categories, like, oh, the Libra is in my life, whatever. And look at patterns, similarities among those people. And then use the label as a way to say, okay how to observe basically? Oh, it's interesting. I'm interacting with people of This label or people who work in this field or people who are interested in yoga or whatever. Label.
• Annie Altman (28:08): and things. that's a special one astrology talk and I get to the like I have I am not sure what you're talking about here and I love like, I love thinking about the mathematics of astrology and the geometry, and the patterns and the things and yeah, but More. What I want to touch on, is the point of knowing yourself and labels being a way. To know yourself and also just to explore yourself. I was at dinner last night and someone said, which I loved my Sister-in-law's dad, he said that astrology is vaguely flattering and I loved that phrasing of it and Myers-Briggs Love Languages as well. All of these tools, I have a similar conclusion, which, at least currently, is that any tool That helps me reflect on myself any tool? That helps someone reflect on themselves? Wonderful, learn more about you learn what resonates? What doesn't It's sort of trying on different labels, perhaps, and then learning from them having that moment of feeling vaguely flattered. Which I would say. Is that feeling of enoughness that feeling of being where you are supposed to be quote on quote, when you're supposed to be there, I would say it's the opposite of that story. You had of the panic attack with pot. It's the feeling sort of the other end of the spectrum. From that of all these people are wonderful things are here for me, things are okay. I am safe. Safety comes up as a theme of that too.And I wonder as I speak this out loud and learn from it. How much labels for me are way to find safety and feel like, Like I was saying with oh if I know someone's Myers-Briggs and astrology and love language, I can feel like I know them even though I know, I don't know them. And I feel like that comes from a search for safety and wanting to know which then comes back to the ego and ego being not okay with uncertainty. So let's label and let's put people in boxes and let's do things and then how to balance and day-to-day life. Okay, labels are helpful and also labels are harmful.
• Annie Altman (38:52): you associate as or if all your, if you're making all of your meaning based on one label or one framework of things, Then it's it can feel like you're discounting. Just how? Complex and intricate, you are as a person and also then reflecting on other people and that they are more than just that label though. It's True. That I have also found that a sense of Of calm, of piece of oh, you associate with this label. So, do I, or we can talk about this label that we both have feelings about its, its can be a way to find that common ground and
• Annie Altman (39:41): I have labeled labels is bad. For a while after I would say obsessively attaching to them and then obsessively pushing them away. And I'm figuring out that happy medium of
• Annie Altman (1:09:24): all the same thing. It is all the same thing. It is, I used to get so triggered by people. So triggered by people saying the god word and by triggered I mean that I would then judge them and shut down from listening to whatever they were saying. I be like oh you said God, everything you say is now invalid.
• Annie Altman (1:11:01): the same man. And so it's all coming to its all words for feeling that no one can really Express and worry because it's a feeling
• Annie Altman (1:12:31): what man or whatever you want to label of it. And yeah slowly I'm gonna one day, say things, maybe not time will tell one day say the things I believe not sarcastically currently I believe in them, I'm gonna say it sarcastically until I believe it. We're all the universe looking at itself. So my feelings are totally valid and so are everyone and everyone's view of these labels, everyone's association with these words. Based on their genetics, epigenetics is a great thing to bring up here based on their ancestors, genetics and things that have happened in their life. Their labels are totally valid. And then all the more reason like these are just fucking labels which makes the irony of me doing this podcast. So hilarious to me as someone who is clearly a verbal processor that on the one hand. Great. I get to experience all of these different words and learning from people and then, on the other hand, I laugh at myself about it. I laugh with myself about it, perhaps that These are, these are all just words. These are all just labels. Completely. Yeah. What the what?