Impossible Trinity for Being Nice

A/N: I have corrected wording which were't accurate previously, but I still stand by the post. Would appreciate comments on areas you don't agree with or propose counterexamples.

TL;DR: One can't be nice, comparatively intelligent and demanding all at once (in an interactional context; 3 adjectives are defined below). At any moment, the best you can do is two of the three.

In my finance career I’ve met many individuals who are usually not nice or simply rude, and whom I often observed to be highly intelligent individuals. What surprised me though, was how some of these same people became warmer and compassionate when speaking off-work. I realized what was the missing piece: goal-orientation, whether they demand something from me in that moment.

I've tested this trilemma hypothesis with my observations over the years and believe it has withheld the test. If my colleague wants results badly from me, I’d better respond intelligently which is the effective way to control the dialogue. If someone I deem more intelligent is consistently nice to me, chances are they demand little from me. And yes, there are nice people who do demand things from me, but I typically have the intelligence advantage in these situations.

Definitions and clarifications:

• Nice means genuinely and consistently nice, not temporarily polite or suppressing emotion for strategic reasons (e.g. juniors to seniors)
• Intelligent is defined relatively and perceived by that person: i.e. one believe that they are more intelligent than the other party they’re engaging with, in the context that matters (a manager can still be rude to a smarter employee who misunderstood instructions)
• Demanding refers broadly to wanting something from the other party directly, not necessarily in a negative way as the word may sound (is there a better adjective?)

This is why families and true friends are usually the nicest to you. They want nothing in return, and hence have no limits in being both nice and intelligent in interactions.