Parfit's Escape (Filk)

by G Gordon Worley III1 min read29th Mar 2019No comments


PoetryArtFictionNewcomb's ProblemDecision Theory

To the tune of "Escape" (The Piña Colada Song), with apologies to Rupert Holmes.

I was lost in the desert, hopelessly dying of thirst
And I thought to myself, this can't get any worse
I heard the roar of an engine, surely it was my hearse
But then a tall shadow cooled me, it spoke and I heard

"If you like living not dying, I got an offer for you
If you give me your money, I'll give you water and food
I'll take you away to salvation, I'll get you out of this scrape
So just promise you'll pay me, to make Parfit's escape"

I hadn't solved decision theory, boy I sure wish that I had
'Cause my savior was Omega, and if I lied I'd be had
But CDT said don't pay, just take the ride for free
And though it seemed kind of foolish, I went ahead and agreed

"Yes, I like living not dying, so I'll make your offer good
When we get back to town, I've got money for you
I've got to get out of this desert now, I'm so tired of this place
Yes I two box on Newcomb, and I take Parfit's escape"

Omega dragged me to the car, put a canteen to my lips
We drove into the sunset, I felt nothing but bliss
I caught a glimpse of his face, and to my wondering eyes
My driver wasn't Omega, but Singer in disguise

"You don't owe me any money, you're the life I can save
And you should know I would have helped you, if you had lied to my face
I really hope you've learned a lesson though, about the perils of this place
Decision problems are dangerous, it's moral luck you escaped"

I said "Oh thank you Mr. Singer, let me buy you a drink
At a bar called O'Malley's, they make their Coladas pink
'Cause I'm eternally grateful, for all that you've done
Now let's get out of this desert, and be done with this song"