Meditations on Meditation:

I’ve always noticed something about meditation that I’ve never thought to articulate aloud before. (Note- I’m using mantra meditation as an example.) A beginning meditation practitioner- which is all I have ever been- is told to focus their awareness on the mantra, notice when their mind wanders without judgement, and then redirect their thoughts to the mantra. Similar instructions are given when the focus is the breath, etc. However, my experience of meditation has never been that simple; my attention comes in layers. The first and most shallow layer is the part of my mind ‘going through the motions’ of reciting the mantra. I can recite the mantra while thinking of or imaging all sorts of things with my ‘thinking mind.’ So I gently turn my thinking mind toward my mantra, and there is another, quieter layer of awareness behind that- a meta-awareness noting a little more quietly that I am turning my awareness toward the mantra. I pull that layer of awareness toward my mantra, and there is another, still quieter awareness of self behind that which feels and acknowledges how peaceful and luminous this experience is. Each layer behind the second feels quieter, and the further back I go, the longer the layer takes to interrupt my concentration. I haven’t done extensive reading on the subject of meditation, but from my shallow research the explanation that is closest has been the yogic concept of the 4 layers of the mind (Manas, Buddhi, Chitta, and Ahamkara, which almost but not quite matches what I’ve observed.) 

I have 2 hypotheses regarding this experience. The first is that if I manage to pull the last layer of awareness into focus, that is when I would experience ego death. My second hypothesis is that if I pull the last layer forward the first layer will fall away, so that it all goes in a circle I need to tighten with each meditation. 

Any experience, insight, or helpful reading for this phenomenon would be extremely appreciated.