Conversational Signposts—How to stop having boring social interactions
6Declan Molony
2cubefox
3Declan Molony
4cubefox
3Declan Molony
3cubefox
New Comment
Conversational signposts are just one technique to improve social interactions. For more advanced techniques, I would recommend checking out:
- How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships by Leil Lowndes
- How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie
Sure! Here are two of my favorites.
(1) From Leil Lowndes' book:
Don't ask what they do. In the US in my experience, the most common question upon meeting someone is "what do you do?" But the problem with this is that while 65% of Americans are satisfied with their jobs, only 20% of Americans are passionate about their work. From Lowndes:
If you instead ask, "How do you enjoy spending most of your time?" It allows people to mention their job or their hobbies. And homemakers are no longer embarrassed to say, "I'm just a mom" to the question of "what do you do?"
(2) From Dale Carnegie's book:
Never disagree and say "you're wrong". I am a naturally disagreeable person. Learning about this technique hasn't made me more agreeable, I just express my disagreement differently now. From Carnegie:
Never announce, "I am going to prove so-and-so to you." That's bad. That's tantamount to saying: "I am smarter than you are and am going to make you change your mind."
"We sometimes find ourselves changing our minds without any resistance; but if we are told we are wrong, we resent the imputation and harden our hearts. We are heedless in the formation of our beliefs, but find ourselves filled with a passion for them when anyone proposes to rob us of their companionship. It is obviously not the ideas themselves that are dear to us, but our self-esteem which is threatened."—James Harvey Robinson
I've adopted a more indirect way of challenging people's beliefs. Rather than stating my disagreement, I tend to ask questions (à la the Socratic Method) to get to the root of somebody's belief. Sometimes they'll notice contradictions in their own arguments without me having to point them out.
How can you avoid that a conversation degrades into an interview? Where you are the person asking questions and the other is just answering and isn't asking anything back. (This can sometimes work, as you note in your McKinsey example, but is mostly awkward.)
I think "notice signposts" is just one of many unknown tips for good conversations, and perhaps not the most important one. Of course, people with healthy amounts of social intelligence won't need those tips anyway.
To avoid the interview-style conversation, I don't have to wait for someone to ask me a question. I can just open up and share relatable things (via conversational signposts) about my life. And if they're not biting, like at all, it's possible we may not have much in common. At that point, it's okay to make a polite excuse to exit the conversation.
The other consideration is that some people feel awkward asking personal questions. To those more introverted people, I praise any questions they ask me. Here's an example:
Them: "How's work going?"
Me: "Thanks for asking! It's going well, though, I'm a bit frustrated at the moment with my boss."
Them: "Frustrated in what way?"
Me: "Hmm, good question...[thinking] I guess it's because he doesn't listen to my input."
^I'm demonstrating that I value their input and encouraging them to ask more questions. (See: Don't Shoot the Dog).
(Also, I removed the McKinsey example. I don't think it was adding much to the concept of conversational signposts).
Ah. So I guess you should neither ask just questions, nor just always talk about yourself, but rather balance both.
Praising questions is an interesting tip to ease-in more introverted people. This reminds me of another strategy a sociable colleague of mine used on shy people: He made playful jokes about his conversation partner ("teasing"), encouraging them to be bold and "hit back" with something, and then laugh about their joke. Which instantly empowered them. This probably works best when both are men. Making self-deprecating jokes is a safer option, though not as effective.
1Curated and popular this week
