I remember going to church w/ my mom where we'd need to stand while singing. I didn't really like standing that long, so I told Mom my legs were hurting so could I please sit down?
She said yes.
Sooo the next week, when I wanted to sit down, I intentionally tensed my knee-area so that my legs would hurt. Then I could tell ask my mom again and sit down while not being a dirty liar (we were in church after all).
In general, people can sometimes get what they want [attention/emotional support/etc] by making their problems worse (or creating a problem when there's none there). One simple way to achieve this is to have a genuine negative reaction to something, focus on the negative reaction until it grows bigger and bigger, and then act from that emotional state when talking to people who can give you what you want.
This doesn't even have to be done conciously!
After hanging out w/ friends, I felt very tired. I was about to tell them how so very tired I was (& I surely looked it!) and head back home, but then I noticed something odd:
I was forcing myself to feel tired.
So I relaxed, suddenly becoming only kind'of tired. I thought, "Oh, I can just tell my friends I'm going home w/o an excuse. They're my friends, lol"
So I told them & went home.
I think I was over-focusing on my tiredness to make it bigger in order to be very convincingly tired. I'm not exactly sure why (maybe to call it a night w/o hurting feelings?). And none of this was intentional either!
The overall pattern here is:
If I can truly suffer a lot, I can then convincingly signal to others that I'm suffering a lot and get [positive thing]
Where The Pattern was Formed
For everyone that does this, there was a moment where this was learned. There was something you wanted (to be held, attention, icecream, a break, etc) that you figured out you could get by feeling awful. Maybe you had a bad day so your parents got you icecream, so later you might manufacture bad days semi-conciously to get icecream more.
There's the classic story of the child throwing a tantrum in the store to get candy, the parents cave & give them candy, reinforcing the "throw a tantrum to get what I want" habit.
That's a behaviorist view. I also believe that internally, most children are genuinely suffering more (during a tantrum).
This can even apply to yourself; if you can make your own problems worse, you can then later go easy on yourself or let yourself play video games or watch shows or eat yummy food or etc.
Breaking the Pattern For Yourself
Ideally we can just not make our pain worse than it is.[1]
There's a playful thing you can do with slightly negative things (eg an itch, slight body discomfort, not eating an oreo right now). Try to focus on it and make it bigger or smaller.
Like imagining not eating a cookie is the difference between being in heaven or hell!
This can also work in the other way of making it smaller. You could directly try to do so, but I think relaxing into it, like your stretching and breathing out to relax your muscles is more useful for me.
Unsure how well others can do the same thing, but it's worth trying for 5 minutes. It was crazy to notice my suffering being self-caused in real time![2]
Those Triggered Snowflakes!
A common reaction to this dynamic is calling people triggered snowflakes.
"You're making a mountain out of a molehill"
In general, it makes sense to not want to reward people who make their own problems worse (and will continue to do so in the future). I understand the reaction of anger, but that rarely makes a change. How do you actually help others though?
Realizing That You're on Your Own
If you signal your pain in the woods with no one to hear...
One cure is to be in a situation where you're truly alone. Not "be lost in the woods for a few hours, grumbling a lot while coming up with the story to tell others later" alone, but crash landed, stranded on an island with noone coming.
While survival is an especially salient goal, there are still other goals I care about that signaling suffering prevents. I want to have an awesome life, with healthy relationships, and not suffer more than I need to! (lol)
Signaling suffering is just one way of many to interact w/ others. When I let go of this pattern/make it not an option, there are so many other ways to solve the problem.
"I promise to wash the dishes in 15 min, I just want to lay down for a bit. No really, I'm setting an alarm right now"
"Could you message me beforehand if you're going to be late?" (Then, I'll set a reminder to message them the hour before)
"Could I have a hug?"
Breaking the Pattern From the Inside
When I'm signalling suffering, it does feel like my attention has "collapsed" in on a small set of my sense (ie I'm not that aware of my peripheral vision or sounds). I also am tensing muscles in my jaw, forehead, or even tiny muscles on the top my head that I never thought I had.[3]
Once a concept like this has been pointed out to me, I usually become hyper-aware of it for a week until it becomes a part of me. Curious if any of y'all have had success here!
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This does rely on having healthy relationships where you can just ask to recieve good treatment or have your boundaries respected, so YMMV.
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I can't claim this applies to all my suffering, but at least the cookie-level kind
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Look at me tensing all these muscles! I'm suffering so much for you to do stuff for me.
