How did I end up in this position?

Let’s review the facts.

First.

From Class Choice to ROT13, from Harry Potter villains to this chastity cult, from XP sharing to judgy old men, this world is out to get me.

Second.

I have despaired of living the Good Life and decided to take revenge.

Third.

There is a little-known law of biology which states that the male gaze, rapacious as it normally is, doubles in rapaciousness for each day ungratified. By my count, this makes me 32 times as susceptible to the female form as the average 16 year old male.

Fourth.

The only remotely feminine thing in this church is a life-sized Goddess statue in the chapel.

It is for these reasons that I find myself, just before the stroke of midnight on the 17th of February of the 2014th year of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, standing half-naked on the preacher’s podium in said chapel, facing said statue, relieving said ungratified urge.