i want to write more, and know its beneficial for me to write more. every time that i recall doing so right now, in the last two years, it's increased the amount of people who know about my work, come to work with me, pay for the work in some way, etc. 

however, i feel really really anxious, scared, etc of doing it. feels a bit stupid. 

part of it as well is that i really really care about truth and about what i write being very very true and robust to misinterpretation. this is in large part something that i purposefully trained into myself, to avoid being like other people who grifted, lied and cheated all the time. 

however, in a way, its now allowing others to do more lazy versions of things that i'm doing/would be doing, if you'd excuse a little ego. that also feels like the kind of justification that people use to grift even while knowing that they're doing so. 

there are also people who are low eq or something similar, who don't know or know how to recognise the signs, of when they're doing this, or havent burnt the lying instinct outside of themselves. 

when i was 21, for about 6 weeks, i made an effort to constantly notice whenever i was saying or thinking the slightest lie or deception for myself. since then, it's something i've had in the background, constantly. its very very useful in many ways. but there are others who dont do this and it seems to let them lie without notice or shame and do things that are ok-good. however, it feels like, what allows me to do things that are more rigorous, according to me, 

So, essentially, i have a self confidence issue. a lack of belief in myself issue. in the deep, back of my head. want to figure out how to improve this. ive done it before, but i think this is different?