Previous posts (which you should read first)

This post is the 6th post in a series of 11 posts about the claims of Sam Altman's sister, Annie Altman. Annie has claimed that Sam sexually abused her for about 9 years as a child, and that she experienced further (non-sexual) abuse from Sam, her brothers, and her mother after that.

The 11 posts are meant to be read in order.

So, if you haven't read the first 5 posts, please read them, in order, before you read this post:

Sam Altman's sister claims Sam sexually abused her -- Part 1: Introduction, outline, author's notes
Sam Altman's sister claims Sam sexually abused her -- Part 2: Annie's lawsuit; the response from Sam, his brothers, and his mother; Timeline
Sam Altman's sister claims Sam sexually abused her -- Part 3: Timeline, continued
Sam Altman's sister claims Sam sexually abused her -- Part 4: Timeline, continued
Sam Altman's sister claims Sam sexually abused her -- Part 5: Timeline, continued

Timeline, continued continued

November 10, 2019 -- Annie publishes Why I believe that everything happens for a reason on her YouTube channel.

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"The ten-second version of this video is that I believe that everything happens for a reason, because life is way more fun when I believe that. What I know is that I don't get to know whether or not things happen for a reason, in life. So, what I'm left with is what I get to choose to believe. And, I've been the person to extremely choose to say 'everything is all science', to be really spiritual about science, and to say that 'nothing can happen for some grander purpose or reason, 'cause that's hippy bullshit.' And I've been the super hippy person to say 'everything's happening for a reason all the time, and every set of numbers, and every single thing that I see has so much meaning that I need to unpack and understand -- to really connect with my human-ing.' And those are both extremes, I've learned, and maybe is helpful to someone who is on one of those extremes, and having -- feel like I've at least somewhat touched both of those walls, where I come to now is that it feels good to believe that there is some sort of a grander plan. Grander plan makes it sound more orderly than the feeling of it. Structure, feels like a more accurate word to say - that there's some bigger structure and sequencing of, when I need certain people in my life, or go to certain places or, witness certain things, and, it helps me to go into that observer sort of perspective, that I get to watch the show of this one human life that's happening and, the journeys that lead to other journeys. It gets, like -- talking about free will even, it just immediately gets meta, it's inevitably meta to talk about free will and decision-making, and so, something about beliefs, and believing in [long pause] There-there's -- a part of the discomfort that I had when I really rejected and resisted any notion of things happening for a reason was that it felt like this 'hands off of responsibility.' It felt as if, as if, I let...myself believe that things happen for a reason, then somehow that would not be claiming ownership of my decision-making. Maybe that's a similar experience that you've had, where - yeah, like, for, for me and for people I've talked to who have had similar experiences, it comes from this really great great -- it, it comes from this place of of caring, a lot, about ownership, and, and taking personal authority -- I feel like that's where I get so attached to free will, is to say 'Well, otherwise, what am I claiming as responsibility, and action, and -- in exchange, what am I giving back to the universe to get to be here?' If that resonates with you? I hope it does. I hope it resonates with somebody. It will resonate with one person {i.e. Annie is referring to herself.} She gets off track. Because it's uncomfortable to talk about, purpose and belief in free will because it gets spiritual and woo-woo to a point, again, inevitably. And, humans collectively are sort of figuring out how to talk about spirituality without it being connected to organized religion all the time, and also to talk how spirituality and science overlap and are the same thing, and it's all magic, it's all -- it's all doing the same stuff. In a chemical reaction, for example, or you could do some lab experiment, where things need to happen in a certain order to happen, however they happen, and to me that's the sort of. like. a lab science equivalent of, the more spiritual, emotional life happenings, that -- the order of events impacts the experience and, that there's a reason for timing, and there's a reason for what is happening, when. My emotional parts get all sorts of butt-hurt, and entertained, and all of the things, by not getting to know. I'd -- I have this big piece of me that feels the need to know, to be in the know, to know what's going on, and so, it's a, it's a weird 'yes, and' to say 'yes I believe that everything's happening for a reason' and 'I believe that I don't always get to know that reason.' In fact, a lot of the time, most of the time, while it's happening, I don't get to know that reason. 'Good one!' It's like, 'it's a pretty goofy game, somebody who's -- some, something that is orchestrating.' I don't know. I, I used to get so triggered when people would say the 'God' word, the 'G-word', I would be like, 'cool, I'm done listening to this human', like really shut it down. I was so spiritual, and religiously believing in science that I just I totally rejected that, and so, when people would say, 'God has a plan!', I would, my whole being would eye-roll. And here I am now saying that there is some-- that there's something bigger, that there's some structure, there is some 'plan', there is some arrangement, that is, more than, of course, any one person is gonna be able to see, because, I'm only seeing things through one perspective. I even -- even when I was super dogmatically believing in science, I still had this, this belief in human connection, and how, how there is something larger than any one human, because the interactions between humans and their communities, and bigger networks of humans, and how they create things and -- on all the levels, from, at -- one on one individual human connection, to large-scale human connections. It -- even my most rigid 'science mind' can conceptualize how that's bigger than one individual human. And [pauses] and so I can accept that there's more that I, don't see. There's more out there that I won't be able to see. And so then this is where faith and spiritual, woo-woo, all of the things, come in to say. 'do I choose to believe that it's there even if I can't see it?' And so, then science part of me comes up and is like, 'No you need proof, you need data, you numbers you need data. Where's the fucking graph?' And, like, super, like, Annie-who-lived-in-a-car raw vegan, super, super extreme spirituality. But like, a fruitarian Annie is like, 'You feel this through your chakras.' [Laughs] Ahhh, totally laughing at past versions of me. Fluffing my hair to, come to this version of me. Because, apparently, this was how I was supposed to film this video, and this was the timing that I was supposed to do this, and -- aaahh, the trust, the 'trust' word. The 'faith' word and the 'trust' word. Clearly, I needed a reminder of my faith, a way to help myself trust that everything happens for a reason. It's funny to me, because, objectively, life is more fun, and life is easier, when I believe that. So, what a clusterfuck to make more work for myself, to not believe that Does anyone else feel that way, about it? I-I actually, as I reflect back, in my, talkin' this out loud -- when I was really dogmatic, about science, as, 'this is the only right answer', I remember really wanting, really wishing, to have that faith in, in something bigger. And when I was really rigidly anti-science, I remember wanting to have that groundedness, in reality, in what is happening in this 3D existence. Clearly, I get really passionate about science and spirituality, and how they intersect, and, how it comes together. And, how they can both remind us that things happen for reasons, and then be used to investigate those reasons, or investigate why I'm resisting needing there to be a reason, 'cause, you know, what if the reason is just, is just the 'being-ness.' And on that, gettin' hyper yoda meta, note, thank you for tuning in. Please let me know any sort of reflections, or questions, or ideas that this brought up for you about, your experiences, about whether or not you believe that things happen for a reason, about, maybe, super-science, super-spiritual perspectives or, super cool blends of how those are coming together to, reflect on some of these questions. And, please share, like, subscribe, click, do the things. Check out the website, check out the podcast, check out the blog post, check out yourself and your feelings and your beliefs. I'm out on that one."

November 12, 2019: Annie publishes the 65th episode of her podcast: 65. The body as a compass with Orlee Klempner #2

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➡️ Annie Altman (46:48): yeah. exploring that compass and within my own body of, you know, Resistance and again, I'm not like we've been saying not forcing. About, oh there's resistance. I have to get rid of it, it's it's wrong, it's whatever, just putting a light on it, just noticing. It's interesting that you say that that you've been
Orlee Klempner (47:14): this. Sensitive, and by sensitive. I want to name it, and let me know if I'm correct, but that you feel your body.
➡️ Annie Altman (47:26): 🟡Yes. Very. I've had more than one therapist to call me very somatic.🟡

November 19, 2019: Annie publishes the 66th episode of her podcast: 66. Personal development is personal choice with Lynne Gipson

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➡️ Annie Altman (10:12): 🟠🟠And as as someone who, my parents, my parents were legally married when my dad died and they were separated and and I was telling you before recorded that I sat them down before they separated telling saying to separate or to divorce her to do something and and two Pursue their personal development.🟠🟠 In the same way parents say to their kids. I just want to see you happy. Kids feel that same way about their parents. And when you love someone, what what you want is to see them. To see them make that choice to to choose themselves. As cliche and corny, cheesy whatever as it is. It's it's real that that on all sides of things. And to use the words that with empowering that you're that you're talking about that you do with making Future's brighter. For me, that that's what feels empowering is to get to witness other people really following their personal their personal development
➡️ Annie Altman (14:10): Well, I hear you on the like that, that makes me think of the phrase need, like, on a need to know basis. And yeah, I used to be a super, my, my extremist part would come out and curiosity, in terms of Feeling. This really intense need to have everything on the table all the time. The table, like literally or know like like on the emotional table or on the communication table, for a different sea like being able to To feel like with the people I was really close with that. I could talk about anything at any time and and that was what I needed to feel safe. And I have since revised that to everything on the table at some point. So, I cool. Yeah, I care a lot about Being able to explore any Topic at some time. And also have eased up some about you know, when is that gone to an extreme point of maybe this doesn't need to be talked about this exact moment or maybe I don't need to know this right now. For a reason that I don't know.

November 23, 2019 -- Annie publishes Super Patron creator arts grant application on her YouTube channel.

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"Sometimes it really sucks to be human being. And sometimes it's the greatest thing ever. And all the times, it's weird. It's been a little-er, little-er on the sucky side, the past few weeks. And, I'm recording hours before the deadline, which anal, pre-med Annie would have freaked out on, and current doing-video Annie is freaking out about this video quality -- what is this shot, even -- and, here I am, talking on my phone, wanting to, go watch some comedy, 'cause laughs are a necessary letting go, now and always. I'm submitting the Annie Altman Show projects, and the HumAnnie, which are my projects to understand and give a fuck about myself, essentially. Not essentially -- to give a fuck, about myself, in any capacity. And, work, for me, is the biggest addiction. I mean, pot is an addiction, social media is an addiction - there's plenty. And, work is an easy way to distract from feelings, for me. It was when I was on the pre-med route. So, I made my work feeling my feelings, and I made a podcast where I asked people about their feelings, and what it's like for them to be human, and the feelings that come up. And, I make YouTube videos to feel my feelings with music, or, talking about something that I find, helpful to process, and, has the potential to help someone process their own human-ing. As much as I want -- as much as I have wanted to feel other people's feelings, and know, everything about them, that's not reality. I, don't get to know everything about myself. I can learn pieces about myself, which is, which is what we're doing all the time. Sometimes we turn a camera on. So, the HumAnnie is an interactive stand-up comedy musical philosophy show. It's about how nobody knows how to be a human being, how there's definitely themes of being a human being, because everyone feels feelings, so there's something connecting all of us, and also that talking about these themes is my most effective idea to maximize resource equity and minimize human suffering, and minimize moments of insecurity, of, talking on a phone while crossing a street late at night, and making ramble-y videos you're gonna post on the Internet -- look at this fuckin' quality of image, what are you doin' wit-- I mean, I'm being a human. [Laughs] Thank you for listening."

In December 2019, while living in LA, Annie, running low on money, goes on the SeekingArrangements.com website -- a website for sugar dating and escorting -- for the first time [AA24b].

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Ellen Huet: "Now, Sam and his family have given Annie money at times, but she says it always came with heavy conditions that made her nervous. At one point, Sam wanted her to get back on Zoloft, an antidepressant, which she had started as a teen but had stopped later on. She {Annie} forwarded me an email from Sam where he asked her to share her bank statements and to allow him and his mom to sit in on some of her therapy sessions in exchange for her rent and medical expenses being covered. She felt like it was his way of exerting leverage or power over her. Of course, Sam can spend his money as he pleases, but again, he's on stage espousing the virtues of universal basic income -- giving money away for free, unconditionally, -- and Annie says he didn't do the same here for her. There were times when I'd gone back and forth about what to include from Annie's story. It's a very personal, messy family situation, and I'll confess that on occasion I've doubted some unrelated things she's told me. But also, I've looked through corroborating emails and documents. We drove to a lot of places Annie lived, and I met people she lived with. So in late 2019, when she asked for help and says she was told no, she turned to something she considered a last resort. To make money, she started sex work. She made an account on a sugar daddy dating website where people trade money for companionship and often sex."
Annie: "I was just...I was in a desperate place. I mean...people who have been in a position like this ever know that when you're in a place of selling furniture, you're in a desperate position of "I'm out options." This is a 'plan Z' I would not be doing this if plans 'A' through 'I' had worked out in any capacity."
Ellen Huet: "The first thing she tried was video chatting with a middle-aged man. She flashed him on camera and he sent her money over Zelle. She posted videos on OnlyFans and PornHub.

Source: https://www.instagram.com/p/CxgtpcwvP4w/ [AA--g]

(~January 2020, I think), Annie does two in-person sessions with a family therapist with Sam and Connie [AA24b]. The therapist is made aware of Annie's situation -- i.e. that Annie is sick with multiple illnesses that make it hard for her to work, low on money, and is still grieving the death of her father (Jerry.)

Connie, however, tells the family therapist that she thinks it would be "best for Annie's mental health" if Annie fully financially supports herself. Sam agrees.

The family therapist is shocked, considering Sam's extreme wealth.

The therapist convinces Sam and Connie to agree to provide Annie with 6 months of financial support for Annie's basic needs (i.e. rent, food, medical bills) [AA24b].

Sam and Connie end up not honoring their agreement. They send money late, or send less money than was originally agreed, or force Annie to "grovel" [AA24b] for the money.

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Annie writes, "I sat in my therapist’s office, in my walking boot and hormonal sweat, with my oldest sibling {Sam} there in person holding his phone with our mother {Connie} on FaceTime. The woman who bore me {Connie} told the therapist that it would be “best for Annie’s mental health if she fully financially supported herself,” and my multi-millionaire sibling {Sam} agreed. The therapist was utterly shocked, I was only half-surprised.

Perhaps with her {the therapist} highlighting that I never asked them {Sam, Connie} for financial help until very ill, and it still being so early in grieving our Dad {Jerry}, and with her {the therapist} highlighting their enormous wealth, the therapist somehow persuaded them to give short-term help for my basic needs...

My mom {Connie} and my brother {Sam} didn’t honor the therapist’s plan for six months of financial support, and my rent money was late or less-than-agreed or had-to-be-groveled-for." [AA24b].
In [AA23s], Annie specifies, "I was given some rent money for a few months in LA before moving back to Big Island for a work trade. We made a plan with the family therapist (we did two sessions with) for Sam and my mother {Connie} to help with my basic needs while I was sick. That plan was not followed." [AA23s]
"That financial “help” became inconsistent and/or attached to strings. It would be less than the amount agreed on with the therapist, late for me to actually pay rent so I had to keep asked repeatedly, etc." [AA23t]
My note: I've estimated that the family therapy session occurred in ~January 2020 based on:
- Max Altman's text message in [AA24r], where he tells Annie that he, Sam, Jack, and Connie "think it's best" if Annie "pay{s} for things in June {herself}", i.e. if Max, Sam, Jack, and Connie don't adhere to the plan to pay for Annie's basic living, food, and medical expenses that they'd previously agreed to during the sessions they did with Annie with a family therapist, and
- Annie's statement that Connie and Sam were withholding the "final month of a six month plan for basic life support...while offering a diamond Dad didn't ask to become to be sent to a rural mailbox" [AA24b]

January 9, 2020 -- Annie publishes A food distribution birthday rant on her YouTube channel.

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"Hello, to, past and future Annies, on, 26-year-old Annie's 26-year-old birthday. And, people watching this on the Internet, whenever, if ever however -- hey, happy birthday if it's your birthday today when you're watching this! Okay. Get that on my system. Fuck caring about food, and body image, and giving that attention. [Exhales] Fuuuck it, right? It's gonna, it's all gonna keep changing, no matter what. It's gonna keep shifting, in some capacity, so, my giving a ton of fucks in controlling it -- like, that sort of caring. Caring in terms of, 'It feels fun to braid my hair or, to move, or to take pictures' -- that stuff fuckin' blurs the line, and is a great place to learn to practice about it. Fuck this rigid, 'I need to look this way, I need to have my body be [gestures at various parts of her body] this way, I need to have this line, or this -- or, whatever thing, and food is how I'm gonna control--' Fuuuck, what are we doing? What are we doing? There's people who don't have food, and then there's people who [brings her hands towards herself, referring to herself] have disordered food tendencies -- which is a lot of people, who have disordered shit with food, and their body. And there's still a lot of people who don't have food, and it makes no sense to me, and then it it just makes the whole thing more of an upsetting clusterfuck. Agh-- [Exhales/sighs emphatically] And me shitting on myself for food and my body, is -- seems really ineffective, to get food to people who need food. What are the solutions here? Talking about it, on my birthday, before my friend gets here in five minutes, on my phone. [Sighs emphatically] Food is so personal, and bodies are so personal, and also they're so not, because we all have them, and we all need to eat. [Sighs] Everyone's so caught up in their own shit -- or, they don't have food, and things for their body, and so they're caught up in that. That, somehow we don't all know how to collectively pick our heads up and figure out how to all talk about food and bodies, like real humans that were all born with digestive tracts. I, needed to get something out of my system here. Aaaaand, yeah. We're all allowed to like ourselves. And, we're also all allowed to dislike distribution priorities about things, especially like food -- what are we doing? Do you know who needs to eat? Everyone! No matter any of your history with disordered-anything, or how you feel about your body image, or if you don't have the access to food, you still need to eat -- how are we not making this a human right? Okay -- I'm going off on rambles. Happy birthday, to me. This is, you know -- how do you celebrate, by, getting some frickin' feelings out for 3 minutes and 20 seconds that you need to, get out? What do you think about food and body image stuff? Do you feel like it is all a fear of death, and so we're wanting to control these things that are going to change, and {which} we don't have complete control over, but we like, kinda have a little bit of control over, and people biohack, and do fitness stuff, and we're like, 'Wait a minute, maybe there is free will, and can you can control shit.' But we haven't figured out how to control to [emphatically] get food to everyone. What are we doing? What are we doing, what are we doing? How does this video help? How can I help? What do I do to help? Like, I can give money and time to places, but it's bigger, it's -- this is a structural thing. [Annie starts making some facial expressions, then says] See, now I'm like looking at {I think the idea is that Annie started noticing and internally criticizing (i.e. Annie has been talking about her body image problems) her facial expression -- watch the video and you'll see what I mean} -- okay. [Laughs] Whooo! Nobody cares how other people look, really. And we do all care that people have access to food, because we all know that we need food. [Sighs emphatically, then in a singsong voice:] Food and bodieeees! [Laughs] Oh my god, I'm an awkward human. Does it make it more or less awkward to say that? Probably. [Long pause] Seriously, all these questions {unintelligible} -- type, share, what do you, how do-- what do we do? How do we do this? We got to talk about it. [Pauses] We gotta talk about it."

February 17, 2020 -- Annie publishes How do you listen to and validate yourself? on her YouTube channel.

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"Hi my name is Annie. 'Thanks for welcoming me to the group.' I'm looking for insight on what feels like two sides of the same dualistic coin here, about listening to myself, and, validating myself. So, I feel like, in this point of life spiraling, where I'm at in terms of understanding connection is that it feels like a clusterfuck between boundaries and connection, and 'where's there space between myself and others' and 'how are everyone's feelings valid all the time?' And then, how do I still act in accordance to my own truth, and listen to myself? I was a very anal premed, I did all the classes to be a doctor, I worked in labs. I had a mental breakdown working in a mouse neuroscience lab, and peace'd out of there. Did one other lab, still, like, holding on to this external thing of being a doctor, or psychiatrist -- of some, doing some neuroscience stuff, and, I veered, I did a yoga teacher training, I started writing, I do music, stand up, this one-woman show, and it's great, because I've listened -- 'great' -- because I've listened to myself about what I want to do, and at the same time, I've taken that, that same sort of rigid attachment about, like, 'the carrot on the end of the stick' and 'this is what I'm gonna be and do' and 'this is what's gonna make me happy' from being a doctor, and I put it on to this one-woman show, and my podcast and, these things that I've started doing as therapy. And part of my therapy has been unpacking this stuff about, how to validate that [pauses] the difference of doing something because it feels good, like, talking it out. Thank you for being here and listening."

February 28, 2020: Annie gets an MRI of her ankle. She has to pay a $100 copay [AA23k].

After "much 'discussion'" [AA23k], and after Annie provides proof [AA21d], Annie's relatives agree to provide Annie the $100 to cover her copay.

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"I got $100 for an ankle MRI copay, after much 'discussion'"" [AA23k]
""Have you ever had to prove the $100 MRI co-pay needed to confirm medically necessary equipment to a blood relative with a net worth of well over $100 million? A very strange first world pain" [AA21d]

Source: https://x.com/anniealtman108/status/1649586084928704512 [AA23k]

Somewhere around this time (I think?), Sam tells Annie he wants her to start taking Zoloft again [EW23a], which she had stopped taking at age 22 (i.e. in ~January 2017) [AA19b] under the care of a psychiatrist [EW23a] because she "hated how it made her feel" [EW23a]. Sam later tells Annie that she will only receive money {from him} if she goes back on Zoloft [AA23c]. Sam emails Annie and asks her to share her bank statements and allow Sam and Connie to sit in on some of Annie's therapy sessions in exchange for her rent and medical expenses being covered.

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From [BB24d]:
- Ellen Huet: "Now, Sam and his family have given Annie money at times, but she says it always came with heavy conditions that made her nervous. At one point, Sam wanted her to get back on Zoloft, an antidepressant, which she had started as a teen but had stopped later on. She {Annie} forwarded me an email from Sam where he asked her to share her bank statements and to allow him and his mom to sit in on some of her therapy sessions in exchange for her rent and medical expenses being covered. She felt like it was his way of exerting leverage or power over her. Of course, Sam can spend his money as he pleases, but again, he's on stage espousing the virtues of universal basic income -- giving money away for free, unconditionally, -- and Annie says he didn't do the same here for her. There were times when I'd gone back and forth about what to include from Annie's story. It's a very personal, messy family situation, and I'll confess that on occasion I've doubted some unrelated things she's told me. But also, I've looked through corroborating emails and documents. We drove to a lot of places Annie lived, and I met people she lived with. So in late 2019, when she asked for help and says she was told no, she turned to something she considered a last resort. To make money, she started sex work. She made an account on a sugar daddy dating website where people trade money for companionship and often sex."
- Annie: "I was just...I was in a desperate place. I mean...people who have been in a position like this ever know that when you're in a place of selling furniture, you're in a desperate position of "I'm out options." This is a 'plan Z' I would not be doing this if plans 'A' through 'I' had worked out in any capacity."
- Ellen Huet: "The first thing she tried was video chatting with a middle-aged man. She flashed him on camera and he sent her money over Zelle. She posted videos on OnlyFans and PornHub.
From [EW23a]:
- "Sam offered to help her with money for a while, then he stopped. In their email and text exchanges, his love — and leverage — is clear. He wants to encourage Annie to get on her feet. He wants to encourage her to get back on Zoloft, which she’d quit under the care of a psychiatrist because she hated how it made her feel."
From [AA22c]:
- "“Take this drug you’ve already used for 10 years, that you worked supported by professionals to stop, and I’ll give you financial support for basic needs while you’re in a walking boot from tendinopathy and managing early PCOS symptoms making you unable to work ‘normal’ hours”"

March 2020: Sam purchases a $27 million dollar home in the Russian Hill neighborhood of San Fransisco, California. [BI23a]

March 10, 2020: Annie publishes the 77th episode of her podcast: 77. Consciousness with Heather Kozlakowski: Talk it through

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➡️ Annie Altman (1:34:40): Healthcare and Mental Health Care Professionals would say. That's a trauma response. That home is something negative. Yeah I mean 🔴🔴🔴that's where a lot of my therapeutic practices have gotten to is that is questioning that Consciousness and saying where did that come from? And is this serving me? And is this response bringing me closer to my Consciousness or is this a trauma response? That is escapism? Yeah, Yeah, like,🔴🔴🔴

March 18, 2020 -- Annie publishes Coronavirus and hypercapitalism on her YouTube channel.

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1:07 -- "...we're all here bumbling around being like, 'Oh yeah, one day I'm gonna know how to be human!' And be like, 'Oh they know 'how to human', I don't!' Ridiculous, we're ridiculous!...The other point to introduce here is that when help can be given easily, and it's not, that's a form of withholding, and that's a form of manipulation. Neglect is, is still a power play."
4:35 -- "...health isn't a commodity! We're, these-- we're in bodies here! And then if we want to get into all of the, 'Oh, we're spiritual beings going through a human experience' -- believe that or don't believe that, we are still [touching her hands] all in -- we're made of the same fuckin' tissues for the most part here. We are cellularly more similar than we are different. And we all -- like, the book 'Everybody Poops' -- ok. Doin', I'm doin' my best to keep it chill, 'cause too much anger, is, doesn't get the point across, as well. Denying the anger, then I'm denying my human-ness, because emotions are -- we all feel feelings. Hey, to whoever you are, who's like, 'No, I don't feel feelings.' -- Okay. Okay. Ooookay. Yeah, that's, yeah -- sidetracked."
6:00 -- "...there are plenty of basic resources for all of the humans who exist, in these human suits at this human time. We have enough food. We have enough water. We have enough places for people to sleep in a sheltered, comfortable, secure -- people deserve comfy beds! Mmmmm! There've always been enough basic resources for humans, and, there still are! Making up money makes up systems that then can be used to withhold basic resources from people, or to tie them to specific jobs, or to tie people into marriages, or all sorts of things, because they're insecure about their basic resources being met. People who steal, people who do all sorts of things, may not otherwise do those things if they had their basic resources met, and, the general insecurity and instability you create in people and they don't know where their basic resources are coming from is [gesticulates with her hands] -- fucking, breeding grounds for manipulation of people, because they're unstable! [Calming herself down] Mmm. Breathing. Oh, I have a lot of things I haven't shared on the Internet yet. Okay. Huuuhhh. As a whole, capitalism thrives on insecurity. And, media, and people talking about the ways that body image, especially, for men and for women, for ways that money and wealth, are shown, and -- all of advertising is psychological manipulation to say, 'You'll be happy when 'X.'' And 'X' is a thing, it's when you have a thing, when you, have the appearance of the thing in your body suit, and then you'll be happy. And the more people are insecure, so the more people feel, 'Oh no, I need to have my hair' -- look, [referring to herself], I did my hair too many times for this! For-- The more we ingrain that in people, then the more easily they are to, manipulate, into things that they may not otherwise do."
9:16 -- "Body dysmorphia, and diet culture, and disordered eating is a great example of capitalism and insecurity, and the ways that, people are targeted, to, buy certain things based on certain feelings that have been manufactured in them. And then, again, going to a basic health need we have, an illness, we have, it is, taking it from these things that seem very grey area into black-or-white, into life-or-death, into 'It's not life or death until it is life or death.' And, we're commoditizing those things, so, people are harming their health by stressing about how they're gonna take care of their health. What. Why?"
10:56 -- "...if you first focus on people having their basic needs {met}, that changes so many things that that structure supports, because of all the implications that has on people's overall well-being, and general security of knowing that they live in a world that cares about their humanity. They're allowed to express feelings, that they're allowed to be sick, that they are allowed to receive care"
15:15 -- "...learning for myself, 'Where do I feel comfortable with capitalism, and where do I not, and, what are boundaries--' -- I'm going back into, [gestures with her hands] mnemn-neh -- Thank you so much for watching this. Thank you for, sticking around, for reflecting, for being a human. It is, for all of the ridiculousness and wonderfulness, and all the things -- moments of not knowing words for feelings. It is a fun feeling ride. So. Pretty cool that we have technology to connect with in these ways, and I look forward to seeing how humans use technology to connect humans to basic resources, more and more, and more and more, and how we all use technology to connect and talk with people. Talk with people! Thank you for tuning in. Thanks for being you."

March 31, 2020: Annie publishes the 80th episode of her podcast: 80. Consciousness with Dayna Hunt: You may need to ask

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➡️ Annie Altman (23:39): Childlike sense of wonder. Yeah, childlike Consciousness. It's such a goofy thing too, because kids are so present, and at the same time, so not present for lovely stereotypical paradoxes of Being a human? Yeah. When I was little I would go up to people or like I was on an elevator with someone like really teeny and I would stick my hand, essentially vertically in the air. Like hi, I'm Annie. Nice to meet you. How's your day going? like, your teeny little human and you're like, Checking on my day. And then sometimes people would you Know like humor me with with talking about it and here I am being like hey how are you tell me about your Consciousness? Yeah, did you really like dressing up when you were little

March 31, 2020: Annie publishes the 83rd episode of her podcast: 83. Consciousness with Jess Lin: Notice the yarn

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➡️ Annie Altman (44:13): Yes, absolutely. And I would love to hear more about that perspective, and How? when you got in to your own practice with any sort of meditation or any mindfulness practices or yoga and how How? Those practices connected with. your experiences with mental health and with learning, New ways to process and express anger.
Speaker 2 (44:49): I can definitely share that. Thank you for creating that space to do. So it's always a tricky one for me because you know I know I don't want to come across as you know feeling sorry for myself and yet you know I want to be very Upfront about it. So it's a typical Balancing Act I think when in the past and I've mentioned it people, they've, you know, kind of accused me of playing the oppression Olympics and so I just want to have it, make a disclaimer that that is not the point of what I'm going to say. And Of course, you know, all within context. So for me, I, Really felt even at such a young age that I didn't want to live anymore and that started. I think I verbalized that for the first time to my parents at age, 11 around the fourth grade. So, pretty early on and I wasn't taking very seriously so that was really difficult and I thought out yoga meditation because you know the internet was kind of knew those days and I went on my like dust shop and looked up ways to help. Deal with depression and I also was dealing with sleepwalking and sleep talking. I had horrible violent nightmares, which I sometimes do still have. And so I just knew that I needed to find something and I didn't know what it would just gonna be I think meditation came up first, and I really couldn't find many meditation classes in my area if at all. And so yoga was the next closest thing. It took a while to convince my parents to take me and, you know, of course, they would have to drive me and such and, you know, there's also the background of my parents being immigrants and I'm Asian Americans. So, Historically, statistically asian-americans, you know a pi folks, do not talk about mental health, it's not part of the language or the culture. And so, A lot of that has helped me. Forgive a little bit more because I was definitely angry with my parents. for more of my life in not helping me more and it did feel very alone you know and And what was hard to was that the yoga studio? You know, mostly people, I was practicing with even when I did my training to become certified. We're older, right people in their 40s. 50s 60s athletes, who had injuries, and were kind of learning to slow down in their lives, and really just look around them. And most of these people had families and kids, and so it was sometimes Not the easiest to make connections. So, you know, I'm glad that I was able to continue with it because, you know, If not for that, I don't know what else. I mean, I'm sure I could have gotten into drugs and alcohol. Look a lot of people do but look, luckily for me I was at the Studio's on the weekends, you actually four to eight hours, you know, on a Saturday on Saturday Sunday. And I think that kept me out of trouble and, you know, kept me from South sabotaging and that's why I really wanted to teach it to other people because it has literally saved my life. And I also see so much yoga out there that is very westernized, very exercised oriented and that is 1/8 literally one eighth of what yoga's about, it's one of the ape limbs. Of yoga. So that's a little bit about me and You know, if anyone wants to reach out to me, I'm happy to share one.
➡️ Annie Altman (48:36): I really appreciate you being so open to talk about that and 🔴🔴🔴personally, Having. some overlaps in those experiences🔴🔴🔴 and getting to hear, and Share and 🔴🔴🔴connect with someone who also. voiced, any sort of awareness of suicide as an option🔴🔴🔴, any sort of desires any sort of 🔴🔴🔴Thinking about it at a very young age🔴🔴🔴. and, I don't, I don't normally share that with people who don't normally talk about people because It. the story I tell myself is it's not a very common occurrence and all the people don't want to hear about it and and all like you opened with that, then people can and the ironies abound with mental health. Topics of people say, oh, you're you know, you're doing this for attention. You're you're saying, poor me or you're being aggressive with your your being dramatic or whatever it is.
Speaker 2 (49:49): You can't see me but I'm not eating long to all of this. It's definitely true and it's a tough struggle, because I think we have to be mindful of how people are going to receive it and whether or not, they're in a state where they can emotionally cope with it, because it can be very triggering. And a lot of times when I share this with people, it's scary because they realize they think it too. And It may be a repressed thought or memory that they didn't. Remember until that point. So it's a delicate issue and I don't talk about it lightly. I don't bring it up as counseling conversations as I used to anymore. Because Consciousness all means Recognizing the time and place to talk about this with people. And whether or not again, that question. Is this honest is it going to help right? If this is just going to debilitate this person then? It's not the best decision to bring it up at that point.
➡️ Annie Altman (50:55): Mmm. Totally. Totally, well, it's amazing. That 🔴🔴🔴hearing your story that at such a young age and also in that vulnerability, and the challenge of having all these big emotions come up and having little to no idea how to navigate them or even where to go to learn to navigate them🔴🔴🔴, that you You took so much initiative.

Source: https://x.com/anniealtman108/status/1252735968332791810

Source: https://x.com/anniealtman108/status/1252823180969836544

May 5, 2020 -- Annie publishes Coronavirus and hypercapitalism, part 2 on her YouTube channel.

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"hello well I can still move my face muscles I'm coming at you for coronavirus and hyper capitalism part two with a face mask on from a friend who works for this company speaking of capitalism and I was over helping her clean one day and she gave me the rest of this product so I thought this works for this video please check out part one if you have it and I'll also write the three main talking points down below so that you can look at those and there's three main talking points for this video so jumping right in the first point about hyper capitalism and coronavirus that is shown now in the connections being made I have my list again so in the first one I talked about how cap doesn't use humans as machines as computers different ways that we talked about the brain and consciousness showing where we place value and with the system of making up money and making up the economy we then start to equate money with freedom and with happiness and with worthiness and in some ways money does buy happiness when he does buy freedom it does buy a lot of material things and goods and services it buys its power it buys the ability to to do things and then there's all sorts of corrupt things that happen with huge amounts of money and people using that for huge amounts of leverage so we create these systems that start off as things that are made up and then end up being very real in terms of the ways that certain people are allowed to progress in that we made up that then can keep those systems in place so that those people can keep progressing so money again is a standardized system for goods and services to say here's numbers and we're going to sterilize everything on this scale so that we can compare it all essentially and have a way of making value of even down to workers comp health insurance of what is the value of a pinkie and how do we deal with an injury and monetize the value the monetary value of something so it's
2:52 -- continually putting everything in the framework of this one standardized system that we've made up. So, it ties everything, no matter how aware you are of it, and I'm speaking from my own untanglings of, my own awareness, of, how deep it goes to entrench beliefs and experiences with money, with beliefs about worthiness as a human, and existence, and inherent value, of, our human experience, as cliche or hippy woo-woo as that might sound to you comin' here with [pauses] -- this is my perspective to talk about here, I'm reminding myself.
so to sound in other cliches that be in greement of the self-consciousness of capitalism makes me more self-conscious to talk about are all the cliche turns that are cliches for reasons of the white side you'll sell your own white settler colonial sets heteronormative patriarchy continued labels that thrives and that benefits from capitalism and so benefits from keeping these systems in place where
4:17 -- money is used as manipulation. To say, 'we're gonna psychologically manipulate you, using this very real tool that buys very real things that you need to live. And also buys things for experiences.'
and disconnects us from the fact that we can pick things from the ground we can grow things from the ground we that things are that things just are and there are things there again I'm learning to care less about it sounding move but I can still move my face sort of point number two which is related and the progression of this hyper capitalist system so having capitalism in health care and education and rehabilitation systems in addition to tying our inherent human value to the concept of money it also ties our value to work and it ties work and money together and then we do things like tying money to health insurance and tying health insurance to work to money to value to I have to do all these things to this is how I give back which again as a psychological manipulation play because inherently as humans to pontificate more on human nature there's a part of us in all of us that that is altruistic that cares about giving back because it feels good for us and we're all self-centered in only living through one experience and we know that it feels good to help people and we have some indistinct you'll drive to help people call it community tribalism call pick your word and so using this ploy of saying you must work this way and then this structure and this amount of time in order to prove your worth with
6:30 -- receiving dollars so that you can have dollars for health insurance and your basic need-- costs
in some way it's playing on that deep instinct and all of us that says I have a purpose I'm here to work I am here to create to make to give to do
6:52 -- I'm a human 'being' and a human 'doing', and, and how do i bridge those two together?
and capitalism's like here you go you bridge it together with one of you know Matt now maybe three structures of ways you can do things and this is what you do and this is how you do it and however much you were able to put out there will be demonstrated with how much you give back and that will
7:17 -- demonstrate your value with a number. And diet and exercise culture play on this too, with hyper-fixating on numbers of, weight, of calories, of, minutes of exercise, and kinds of exercise, and so hyper-focusing on [pauses] on, a numerical thing.
and math is real I'm not here to say math is made-up I'm here to say math is only part of the picture if thermodynamics was the only thing for example with bodies that it was all just about how many calories in and calories out then we would not see what we see with for example teenage male bodies and their size compared to their calories in and calories out so yes numbers matter and also numbers are not the full story so yes our work matters as humans and also that's not the full story and yes money matters to do things and also it's not the full story and that's some brainwashing of capitalism to say it is because again it makes people more easy more easily manipulated and controlled in feeling self-conscious into feeling like whatever they're doing isn't enough because you can always make more dollars I compare this to sometimes to video games and I feel like especially in the technology industry because of how many people in that industry have come from gamer backgrounds that there's this video game mentality that clicks in that it's about points it's numbers it's just an impure number game and it's a hyper drive of making it all about numbers which ok cool in a video game maybe that's a great place to process that experience and also that is negating a whole other part of the human experience in real life that there being so much more and again
9:31 -- I'm speaking for my own experience of, hyper-fixating on numbers, in all sorts of different facets. Because it's easy, it's easy, to be like, 'Well, then I have the answer.' In the same way it's easy to say, 'Oh, well, I don't have worth, I did something wrong, let me just take all the blame and all of everything.' And while self-responsibility is amazing, there becomes a point where it's another form of control. Is it saying, 'Oh well this is all because of me.' Still control. More reminders to myself.
the third part that I have on the talking points for this calm around to of reflections on coronavirus and hyper capitalism is to talk about climate change and I talked about this um in the first video of saying that the earth is fine we it's up to humans if we want to live here if we want to keep living here it's up to us to find a way to live sustainably with this place that we get to live that has been here before we've been here as far as we're gonna be aware of it and just like there were plenty of basic resources before coronavirus and there's still plenty of them to distribute that we can still prioritize and focus on distributing everything to do with climate change happened existed what's happening was able to be addressed in some ways before and is still able to be addressed now and some of it has been addressed indirectly as a byproduct of how coronavirus as a whole has been addressed and there's definitely there's still more room to talk about the environment over the economy and to again come back to the fact that the economy is only gonna be here if humans are still here we made it up it's only gonna be here if we're here so if we wipe ourselves out or if we make the planet uninhabitable to us which is another way of wiping ourselves out it's still the planet is not climate change is a little bit of a misnomer because yeah the climate is changing and that makes it sound like almost like the climate cares or it matters to the climate and really it's humans changing because then so long to the species this is getting off into
12:33 -- What are we even doing here, cuz we're ruining the planet and, mneh-mneh-mneh, which -- is going back to the second thing I was talking about of, saying it's all -- making it all about what we did wrong and what we need to do differently -- and now I'm checking out how this {face mask Annie is wearing} almost is the same color as my skin! See-neh-hm-- [pauses] Distractions, from, taking life really seriously, and remembering that we are worthy of talking, and putting our thoughts and feelings out, and we are worthy of doing face masks, or doing things we don't do very often and, accepting things from friends who are willingly sharing. Aaand [pauses] I'm definitely making this to remind myself, because that's the only person I can really remind, and, I would love to hear, and my intention is that it helps somebody remember for [head pitches forward] themselves as well, that, you have value. There is inherent human value in every human, no matter their beliefs, and their participation or lack thereof any sort of capitalist system, and it's their prerogative.
the part of this where we have a collective prerogative to talk about it is when it gets into impacting things we all share like the environment we all need air we all share the air you all need food you get the gist of this yay for video journaling publicly I would love to read any of your thoughts and feelings about capitalism about hyper capitalism about how this wave of coronavirus this pandemic wave in humanity is reflecting and also very logistical II shifting how we operate and how capitalism operates and please share please please tell me think so this can part three can be more of a discussion I got some talking points written and I'm really grateful for being able to philosophize like this this is an enormous privilege I'm here with the with a mask on my face I'm in a nice kitchen and I get a talk about [Music] capitalism and I get to talk about things that are happening from the comfort of a home so there's gotta be something called good and capitalism that we can use and we can harness to to give this right this basic right to everybody to have a place to rest and to make food and to relax that's the same as rest and ego do it okay thank you for tuning in thanks for sticking around I really appreciate the the patience the encouragement the enjoyment of some philosophical rambling again everything selfish because
16:01 --we only have one body we're experiencing things through, and it feels really good to [gestures with her hands] ~p-p-lel-bleh-leh~ -- think this stuff out, and then get it out in another way.
so again please tell me what you think tell me you feel can really think it's gonna happen tell me what has happened in the past please let's all talk about this more I'm gonna go wash this off my face now thank you for watching and again again again thanks for being you"

In May 2020, Annie moves back to the Big Island of Hawai’i, where she'd lived before living in LA. Annie writes, "This was my plan Y — find a low-labor work trade. I found a farm with a potential for a work trade, and despite being only a couple months out of the walking boot felt it was overall more healing than staying in a studio apartment I may or may not have enough rent money for, across from a park that was taped off due to Covid restrictions. When I notified one of my siblings of finding a farm work trade, he notified the rest of the relatives who group messaged me they would not be providing any of the final month of support agreed on with the therapist. I had planned to use the rent money for food." [AA24b]

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Annie will move again later, so it's helpful to clarify this now for those who may not know: Hawai'i (aka Hawaii) is a state in the United States of America, located far away from the rest of the states, in the Pacific Ocean. It contains 8 islands: Big Island, Maui, and 6 others.
To get an idea of the geography of Hawaii, see Hawaii on Google Maps, and:
Image source: here

Source: https://x.com/anniealtman108/status/1262811125684584448

Source: https://x.com/anniealtman108/status/1830773664784228502, [AA24r]

Source: https://x.com/anniealtman108/status/1822028939432448092, [AA24h]

While Annie is work-trading on the rural farm (~June 2020), Sam messages Annie and asks her where he can send a $5,000 diamond made from her father's ashes [EW23a], even though
1) Annie is low on money, i.e. barely has enough money to cover her basic needs (food, rent, medical bills, etc.), and Connie, Sam, Jack, and Max just withdrew the final month of financial support for her basic needs that they'd promised Annie (i.e. during the family therapy sessions in ~January 2020)
2) Annie recalls that her Dad wanted just cremation, and never indicated that he wanted to be turned into a diamond.
Annie finds this to be a very odd/insensitive gesture. [AA24b, EW23a]

At this point, Annie decides to go "full no contact" with her relatives (Sam, Jack, Max, Connie), following the recommendation of the family therapist she'd done sessions with a few months earlier with Sam and Connie. [AA24b]

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From [EW23a]:
- "In May 2020, she {Annie} relocated to the Big Island of Hawaii. One day, shortly after she’d moved to a farm to do a live-work trade, she got an email from Sam asking for her address. He wanted to send her a memorial diamond he’d made out of some of their father’s ashes. “Picturing him sending a diamond of my dad’s ashes to the mailbox where it’s one of those rural places where there are all these open boxes for all these farms … It was so heavy and sad and angering, but it was also so hilarious and so ridiculous. So disconnected-feeling. Just the lack of fucks given.” Their father never asked to be a diamond. Annie’s mental health was fragile. She worried about money for groceries. It was hard to interact with somebody for whom money meant everything but also so little. “Like, either you aren’t realizing or you are not caring about this whole situation here,” she said. By “whole situation,” she meant her life. “You’re willing to spend $5,000 — for each one — to make this thing that was your idea, not Dad’s, and you’re wanting to send that to me instead of sending me $300 so I can have food security. What?”"
In [AA24b], Annie writes:
- "My Father never asked to become a diamond. I never sent my sibling the farm address. The mailbox was open, in a cluster of mailboxes in the middle of nowhere on the island. Plus, the most financially reasonable thing for me to have done with a diamond at that point was to pawn it for food money — and my sibling {Sam} was aware.
  I decided to go full no contact with my relatives. The family therapist we spoke with recommended I consider this more seriously, after telling me she could not professionally recommend doing more group sessions. She was not the first therapist to tell me to go no contact. Withholding the final month of a six month plan for basic life support, while I was very sick, while withholding money left to me from my Dad, while offering a diamond Dad didn’t ask to become to be sent to a rural mailbox, was my final straw to begin grieving all three of my siblings and my mother. A completely different and similar grieving process as grieving my Dad.
  The distinctions between “family” and “relatives” became more clear everyday."
From [AA22b]:
- "What does it say about YOUR mental health, to tell me that I’m somehow both too mentally unwell to make my own decisions and too mentally well to receive emotional or tangible support?"
- "One reason of many for no contact"
My note: I've estimated that this occurred in June 2020 based on:
- Max Altman's text message in [AA24r], where he tells Annie that he, Sam, Jack, and Connie "think it's best" if Annie "pay{s} for things in June {herself}", i.e. if Max, Sam, Jack, and Connie don't adhere to the plan to pay for Annie's basic living, food, and medical expenses that they'd previously agreed to during the sessions they did with Annie with a family therapist, and
- Annie's statement that Connie and Sam were withholding the "final month of a six month plan for basic life support...while offering a diamond Dad didn't ask to become to be sent to a rural mailbox" [AA24b]
Thus, it seems that the 6-month plan was for the months of January 2020 through June 2020, and that Sam offered to send the $5,000 diamond he made out of Jerry's ashes during the final month of that plan, i.e. June 2020 -- the same month that he withheld the money he'd previously agreed to send to Annie such that she could afford rent, groceries, and medical expenses.
- I think this is why Annie says that Sam was "was aware" [AA24b] that "the most financially reasonable thing for {Annie} to have done with a diamond at that point was to pawn it for food money" [AA24b].

July 4, 2020 -- Annie publishes A first virtual flow guiding!, part 2 on her YouTube channel.

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"Hey. Hey. Get yourself in something comfy, on something padded, or being something uncomfy and on something hard -- your body your choice. Here we go, virtual yoga. Start in any sort of seated position. You can tuck your legs under, you can sit cross-legged, sit up on a pillow. Place your hands face down so you're in contact with your own body with your palms. And as you may or may not have heard in yoga classes before, notice your breath. Trace it all the way to your bellybutton, maybe all the way to your toes, whatever that means to you. If that sounds too woo-woo, notice your ribcage moving, front and back, side to side, up and down. Every time you breathe [voise rises] all the time. Something that I'll do is I'll force relaxing, and I'll say, "Okay, I'm doing yoga, so I gotta start breathing really deep, and heavily and super zen." You don't have to do that. Notice it. Watch your breath. And if you do like to nerd on science, then remember Heisenberg uncertainty principle. So, just watching your breath is going to change it. [Exhales] Maybe notice what you can lengthen and stretch as you inhale I'm doing it literally -- and notice what you can let go. Maybe you can drop some tension in your neck, in your jaw, maybe you're clenching something and your butt or your toes. When you exhale, you can let it go a little. If it feels good to you, you can switch to palms facing up. Notice maybe what you can relax a little bit more in your back and shoulders. Maybe it feels good to really hold your own palms on your legs. I'm gonna give a bunch of very anal alignment cues of, very basic poses, and you are welcome to do whatever and however you want. Because I am here to remind myself that there is no wrong way to do things, so I'm filming this yoga video alone to share. Alright, here we go, shakin' off my own awareness [shakes her arms]. Make your way into a tabletop position -- and it's all about stacking here. So wrist, elbow over shoulder on both arms, knee over hip -- and as much as you can, having your spine not be stretching out so far, or not be crunching in. And feel free to do that, to check your own alignment. Come in way too far. Go out way too far. And find the middle path of your arm and knee line. Spread your fingertips wide, and focus on pressure through the pointer finger knuckle. It's easy to dump weight back in your wrists, and imagine you're gripping the mat with your fingertips. Pull your shirt together so you don't miss out on camera, relax your toes, your jaw, wiggle it out. If you do your own yoga, you're already doing cat-cow, and if not, you're like, "What is she talking about?" When you inhale, drop your belly button down. And when you exhale, bring your belly button up to the ceiling. Inhale to come down -- so all we're gonna do here is take our breath that's already happening, pretty weird, and we're gonna match it with our movement. And maybe as you do that, you can notice where you have some more space, or you can get into more [voice rises] pristine alignment, because it doesn't matter! I like to rock a little bit, front and back, or side to side, sometimes. Inhale, drop the belly button. Exhale, belly button up towards your spine. And now start to circle -- I know I said anal things, and the anal flow, and also we're going really slowly and hippie-dippie here. I'm wearing tie-dye. So you can do a circle -- ooh that was a good pop -- you can go like, circle your ribcage [pauses, doing the ribcage-circling-movement] or you can be like, 'Annie this is too much' -- I'm-- we're just gonna stay here. We're gonna keep going. Inhale. And exhale, waving your spine up and down. Inhale, bring your shoulders away from your ears. And exhale -- what can you let go of? Are you gripping your buttcheeks again? Probably. Come back to a neutral spine when you're ready here. We're gonna tuck our toes -- this is one of my favorite ways to go into down dog, to get that super anal alignment, bow bow, speaking of -- is to start from this position and focus on sending your hips over your heels first, rather than being like 'I'm just gonna pop my butt up in the air from here.' Push your weight back, and slowly peel your butt, your knees towards the back of your mat, or wherever you're facing. Pushing the floor away through your palms. And through that same pointer finger that you did in tabletop. From here, start to relax what you can on the exhales, and start to lengthen what you can on the inhales. There's a pattern [looks at camera]. Maybe you can find a little more space by rolling your shoulder blades down your back, let your ears actually breathe -- I know there's not lungs there -- [cracks her ankles] woooo! Maybe wiggle around a little. Maybe hold still. Maybe you're like, "Whoa Annie this is too much, this is too intense" -- put your knees down! Keep your weight back. Focus on pushing through the ground, spreading the fingers, same things, rolling the shoulders back. Can you tell I have not done my own yoga today? This is why I'm filming this video. Habubububububuhh! If you're still here in down dog, maybe pedal it out. Again, notice your alignment. What happens when you shift your weight into one pedal, what happens in the weight in your hands? What happens with your head? Where is your breath going? Does something start to pinch, and maybe you just breathe to, like, your collarbone? We've all been there! We've all been there! All right, as you are ready, whenever your next exhale comes on around, we're gonna step that right foot forward, and drop the back knee down. Cover yourself once again -- this was not the top to wear for this -- and check-in just like in table top, ankle over knee alignment. Keep your big toe facing forward, and notice your back toes, it's easy to sickle in. Lines. Straight lines! And also life is messy and we're in bodies so it's not going to be perfect. Aaaaaaaaahhhh! I'm talking to distract you here. This might be really intense in your hip, maybe you're in the splits. Can you notice your breathing more? Not necessarily deepen, just notice it. And let's start to connect with the breath again, and some movement, when you exhale, shift your weight back. When you inhale, shift your weight forward. When you exhale, shift back. Notice, there's a little pause every time between your inhale and exhale. And inhale, come forward. Do two more, do seven more, do you whatever you want to do. [Pauses, doing yoga movements] When you're done with your moving, slowly raise your chest, maybe on a big inhale. Arms up. Yogi dealer's choice here. You can go all big and back. You can stay straight up. Maybe it feels good to bring your hands together, your hands on your leg. I know I said I'm gonna be anal, and then I'm gonna anally make you listen to your body and choose what do you need right now? What feels really good to you? Maybe hold it -- yeah I'm gonna do this one. I'm gonna do this one! When you inhale, imagine string, like a puppet, pulling you up. When you exhale, there's probably something in your right butt cheek, and somewhere in the front of your left leg, front quad hip area, that you can release a little. Something I know helps me is tucking my lower ribs under, and rolling my shoulders back. And then when I start doing and thinkin' about all these anal things, my jaw wants to go up. Let it go. [Shaking her head] Buwuwuwuwuh. On exhale, bring your hands back down to the mat. Tuck those back toes under, push up through your hands, putting a weight in your left leg and your two hands, step the right foot on back into plank, and then from here we're gonna go into down dog to check our alignment. Feet hips width apart, you can walk your toes forward a little if you want, you can keep them exactly where they are. I'm little tight today, so I step forward. I'm a little tight this [voise rises] whole few--[cuts herself off] luhluhluuhmneeehh. I'm so loose. It doesn't matter. These are all words! Is this what happens in your head when you do yoga? Relax your toes, shake out your butt, your hips. And I wanna exhale, where you go to the other side -- I'm going to the other side, I don't know what you're doing, you're through a screen -- step your left foot forward, knee over ankle. And then check in with those back toes, once again. I'd really like to skrunch my toes up a lot of times when I stretch my hips out. My toes and jaw wanna be like, [voice rises, facial expression becomes aggressive/agitated] 'Let's protect her!' Or [shakes head] something. So notice, each exhale, what can you relax a little more? And then again, as you're ready, exhale. Scooch it on back. Thinking about that same downward dog motion of, your hips being pulled back. When you inhale, come forward, and notice knee over ankle. We're going to do this for the rest of the class. Until you're ready -- to not -- your body your choice, once again people! Use an inhale breath to sit yourself up, stacking your shoulders over your hips. For me I know I need to {unintelligible} these lower ribs in. Roll these shoulders back. Wooooo. And pick your hand position here. You can go straight up. You want that back bend. Ooooaaahhhh! You want those hands together, rolling the shoulders down. Your only job is to find one spot in your body, and see if you can relax it a little. That's it. [Pauses, doing yoga and pronounced inhales and exhales] Bring your hands back down as you're ready, and same as in tabletop, wide palms pushing through your fingertips through that front pointer finger knuckle, tucking the back right toes, and back into plank we go. Take one big inhale here, and on your exhale bend your knees as much as you want while you make your way to down dog. Nobody cares how straight your legs are! Your body cares how tucked your pelvis is, and how in your ribs are. And how much space you're finding for breath. This literal stuff. Loosen up your muscles, and they have more space to expand, and contract, more blood flow. [Pauses, doing yoga and pronounced inhales and exhales] Step the right foot forward again -- this time, bring the shin to the ground, or take a very easy pigeon. And by easy, I mean relaxed. This is not an easy pose. Untuck those back toes. Or it is easy, you pick your talk here. Okay. So maybe you're here, and you're like, 'This -- we're good, lady.' Great. You do it. You stay here. Maybe you want to come up a little bit. Maybe you're up, you're in full -- do you. You do you do you. I'm gonna stay here for today with my fingertips, helping to get my shoulders over my hips as much as my body, at this exact moment, is going to let me. Check in with your feet here, it can be easy to either have your toes pointing way out, or tucking way under you. Find a position that feels good. If you can't breathe, or if your breathing becomes really strained, that is your body saying, 'Move, do something else, that position is not for you.' If you can breathe, and you really need to give it more attention, then maybe get a little curious, notice, 'Oooh, what is happening right here? And can I pretend I have a little lung right in this spot, that I'm imagining [inhales] all my air is going to here [exhales]. What does that mean? Maybe it's all it's all malarkey. Maybe it is your hip breath chakra meridian. If it feels good to you, you can come down on an exhale, either on to your forearms -- you can bring your elbows out to the side, and bring your head down to the mat. And in this position, if you're down, imagine that same motion of down dog, of your hips being pulled back towards the back of the mat, rather than all your weight coming forward. Inhale, can you lengthen, still through the top of your head like you're getting pulled, and when you exhale, can you relax something, between your shoulder blades, maybe your groin, maybe your instep is really feeling it in your your arch right now. Buuuwuwuwuwuwuhhh! I dare you to make a weird noise. Inhale, find some length. And exhale, find some release. And then again, whenever you're ready, use an inhale to come back up. Or if you've been, up this whole time -- you go Glen Coco! -- that was a rough joke. When you're ready, bring the palms of your hand flat to the mat -- once again, fix your outfit if you chose not-the-thing-for-filming -- tuck the left toes under. And here we go, same thing as before, we're going to put weight three points of contact, so we have two palms, and our toes, we're gonna go back into plank, whoo, and then we're gonna bend our knees and go back into down dog. Rock it out, wiggle, roll it, maybe dance it and twist it, bop it, you do you. And next exhales, you're ready, steppin' that left foot forward, shin down to the ground, pigeon pose other side. I like to walk my right toes back a little, I like to wiggle a little bit. Maybe the sides of your body are really different, or they're really different today. That happens, we're not symmetrical, as much as, sometimes, we want to be, so maybe on one side your way tighter or looser, and that's cool. Find the place again, on this side, maybe it's down here, maybe you're all the way like you do you. Find what feels good. Thank you yoga with Adriene. Shout out -- you're so cool, please come on the podcast. Oh my god, what yoga with Adriene filmed a video together and a podcast together. I met someone who knew her once, an insane story, and I almost peed myself leaving messages back and forth with her one time. Bless your virgo heart. [Stretching] Ooooohhhaahhh she's still particular and goofy I love it. [Stretching] Ooooaahhhhheeehhhh. Same thing here, you wanna come down, come down. You can come down to your forearms. You can rest your head down. You could do neither of those. You could just sit and watch this whole video and not do it. I'd be a little confused. As you inhale, find somewhere to grow, to stretch, to expand. Maybe it's just noticing your ribcage pushing on your leg, 'cause your ribcage contracts and expands [voice suddenly rises] all day. All day! Maybe when you let go it can be, like, saying a bunch of words, or having a bunch of things go through your head. Maybe you don't need to think about things for the next few minutes. Maybe you need to give advice the Internet that you're learning to take for yourself. Come up on your next inhale, whenever you're ready. Wiggle it out, shake it out, do your thing. You fail yoga, so you should just turn the video off now, 'cause, everyone's doing it wrong. Plant your hands, palms wide, push out, really noticing getting weight in the front parts of your knuckles here. Tuck those toes under, back into plank, back into down dog. Roll the shoulders down, roll the hips, stick your butthole up. Nobody cares if your legs are straight, and nobody cares if your heels are touching or not, I promise. Drop your knees down and send your hips back over your heels, find Child's Pose. Maybe you want stillness, or maybe you want to rock side to side, or just rock your forehead out, for a little third eye and/or forehead massage -- like, nobody cares, do what feels good. Find a little movement and a little stillness. On your next inhale, slowly, so slow, roll yourself up, letting the top your head be the last thing. So slow on the roll, people, slow your roll! Slow it! Whooo. Really crunch everything in. Whoooooo. Tell your disordered eating parts that stomachs literally roll, doesn't matter your body fat percentage, nobody cares. Roll your shoulders down your back. Let your shoulders fall away from your ears. If it feels good, again, for you, to go crisscross here, find a different seated position, go for it. Imagine that string pulling up through the top of your head. And notice, just like we did in cat cow, can you tuck your pelvis under just a little? Let's come back to noticing. Just be aware. Which is more challenging than controlling it, for most of us. You're inhaling and exhaling all the time. So for me, it feels really grounding come to something very tangible and physical. And notice my ribcage, front and back. Notice my ribcage, side to side. Notice my ribcage, up and down. You can picture a sphere in your head, of your ribcage, like an accordion sphere. It's been going this whole time you've been moving. It's been going before you ever clicked on this video, and it will keep going until you are not going. Which will happen to all of us. Let's end with one big inhale. Raise your arms up, huge stretch, exaggerate, dance, shake, maybe let out some more goofy noises. Woooowoowoowwhaa. Bring your hands, palms together. Bow your head down. Say thank you to your body. You would not be here. This is where your life is happening. Thank you, from my body to yours. Thank you from my mind, my soul, whatever you believe in. Thank you for my sadness, my darkness. The darkness and the light in me see the darkness and the light in you. Thank you for your time and your energy, whatever energy means to you. Words and movement.

July 28, 2020: Annie publishes the 87th episode of her podcast: 87. Choose to live with Erin Brown

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➡️ Annie Altman (11:05): Yes, I'm curious too with this choosing to live. and, How that relates to? mental health and to emotional health, and this concept of Maybe when we're fearful of death and as humans, we get so scared because we know that we're going to die one day. And we're, we're freaking out about that. That Maybe. A bigger piece of that or at the root of that is a fear of living and really being alive and doing all these things and acknowledging. For this, the first step of what you're saying, acknowledging that truth that the sky is the limit that. Yes, we're in bodies and we're in places and historical context. All of the things are there. and, Maybe we're all way more scared of acknowledge our own potential. The things that could change as we start making other changes, the choices that could emerge as we start making other choices.
➡️ Annie Altman (22:53): Mmm. yes, and to go back again to what you're saying of leaving the world better than better than you found it, and And starting with you and I'd also like to acknowledge and I really appreciate you sharing openly about suicide and having this podcast, be a place for people to talk about any and all mental health experiences. And again for me to to starting with myself, talk about mine and have a place where I can share and wear. we can create places that it's okay to talk about the 🔴🔴🔴flight impulse🔴🔴🔴 at all, to talk about that 🔴🔴🔴feeling of that suicide is a word for a thing that happens in that feeling of flighting from your body that impulse🔴🔴🔴 Happens. And All of these things you're saying of snowballing kindness. It. feels very comforting and also very comforting. I mean more than an exhale that you're saying them. Also with the knowledge that you first have to choose to live And choose to take care of you. in order for you to participate in this snowballing,

~August-September 2020: A few months after going full no contact with her relatives (Sam, Jack, Max, Connie) Annie begins having health issues with her ankle again, which make it hard for her to stand/walk, forcing Annie to stop work-trading on the farm. An owner of the farm gives Annie some computer work, that she can do while seated, for him.

Annie also applies for EBT food stamps and Medicaid.

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Annie writes:
- "After a couple months, I had to stop work trading on the farm because of my ankle again. Even small plantings and weeding was too much. One of the owners of the farm kindly and graciously found computer work for him for me to do seated, which gave me more time while I scrambled with my legs up the wall in constant ankle and knee pain. I had both an Etsy Shop and Patreon for my podcast, though they didn’t make enough to even cover my phone bill." [AA24b]
- "Still unsure how to rest and heal my body, I found a room rental in town and started OnlyFans. I applied for EBT food stamps and Medicaid, which felt so surreal while sharing DNA with millionaires. I had also applied for unemployment in California in April 2020, as at first I didn’t want to clog up the system for people who weren’t directly related to millionaires who could help them. I was one of the millions who had identity theft on their unemployment, and so had to go through paperwork and hearings for it to finally come through in November 2020." [AA24b]

September 2020: Annie starts having PTSD flashbacks (to being sexually abused by Sam when she was 4.) [AA24b] These flashbacks continue for 18 months (i.e. from ~September 2020 to February 2022) [AA--f].
(From [AA24p], it seems that Annie still has PTSD as of August 9, 2024.)

Annie writes: "I had considered and attempted various mindless computer jobs, and found myself completely incapable. After going no contact because of financial and emotional abuse, I was flooded with memories of sexual abuse I had repressed...I had flashbacks of the sexual and physical abuses my whole life, though it wasn’t until the silence of no contact that I had the space to connect the dots...My days were hazes of PTSD flashbacks with whatever grounding exercises I could do, whatever floor yoga and stretching I could do, and physical therapy. I had to budget basic things like grocery trips based on how much I could walk or carry...I was constantly stressing about my health and money, and feeling hopeless and powerless." [AA24b]

As a "plan Z last resort" [AA24b], Annie starts posting content on OnlyFans.

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"{In summer 2020} I decided to go full no contact with my relatives {Sam, Jack, Max, and Connie.}...After a couple months, I had to stop work trading on the farm because of {health issues with} my ankle again. Even small plantings and weeding was too much...I scrambled with my legs up the wall in constant ankle and knee pain...So back to September 2020, starting OnlyFans. I started very softcore, for all sorts of reasons. I was uncomfortable showing much of my body, both because of a history of eating disorders and body dysmorphia and because my body was physically hurting in so many ways. I enjoyed parts of posting, and being front-facing about it all. Sharing pictures and videos on my own terms felt healing for years of insecurities with my body and sexuality and preferences, like exposure therapy for all my conditioning to hide. It felt like a very specific art therapy project. I was confused about liking parts of something that was a plan Z last resort. I was still too sick to teach yoga. I had considered and attempted various mindless computer jobs, and found myself completely incapable.

After going no contact because of financial and emotional abuse, I was flooded with memories of sexual abuse I had repressed. I had flashbacks of the sexual and physical abuses my whole life, though it wasn’t until the silence of no contact that I had the space to connect the dots. In college and after, I had projectile vomited multiple times during sex with men I loved and trusted. I remember talking about this and related things with therapists, unable to wrap my mind around how violently my body had responded. *

Now, literally on my ass from tendon and nerve and hormonal and digestive and ovarian cyst pain, I had a lot of time to remember the flashbacks’ details." [AA24b]

September 3, 2020: Annie publishes the 111th episode of her podcast: 111. Compassion the valid experience with Dr. Annie Kaszina

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➡️ Annie Altman (0:25): Annie Altman Show podcast and other projects are field research for the humani. Hey, it's Annie Please check out and share the website patreon and Etsy to help support these projects and myself project. The humanity is a one woman show about how no one ever fully figures out, how to be a human being. How there's themes of the human being experienced, organized into 10c words, connected by the theme of connection. And how discussing these themes, we all experience somehow, is my best idea to contribute to minimizing unnecessary human suffering, through maximizing resource equity, That was a lot of words. Maybe not, when you hear the word. Connected, Consciousness, Choice, change compassion, communication, Community creation, charge curiosity and or courage in the episode. That's all. So a lot of words, here's some more. Show. Hello and welcome to the Annie Altman. Show the podcast season 5, Welcome to The Compassion C Series. Today, I am so fortunate to be here with Dr. Annie kazina. All the way from the UK. Any is a writer, a coach, a specialist, in abuse recovery and narcissistic, and toxic relations. And you can check her out on Instagram for a lot of really inspirational and helpful and simple posts about what happens in different relationship Dynamics and putting it out there with no bulshit. Thank you so much for being here, Andy.
Annie Kaszina (2:12): Well, it's an absolute pleasure to be talking to today. And it's quite amazing that you contacted me and we both shared the same first name and then we found whoa, we share a little about the stuff as well. So it's a really great fissure. and I, wasn't sure where we were going to go with this compassion thing when I first Started talking to you, but I'm getting it now that this is about. How you kind of make sense of your own. Uncomfortable past is that right?
➡️ Annie Altman (2:53): Totally the, the HumAnnie 10 C's are a tool for myself that I am offering. For other people. However, it may be helpful for them to make sense of themselves to check in with all of these like, themes and things that can seem so messy and complicated. And like, you were saying before we recorded feelings or simple? The truth is simple.
Annie Kaszina (3:15): Absolutely. Because I came out of an abusive relationship. I only found out very end of it was a long relationship. and I had to make sense of it and I was a neighboring under this sense of great Injustice. When I discovered it wasn't just me, it's people. So many other people who are living in this kind of relationship. And I thought, I have got to do my part, it's the same kind of feeling that's taking you into doing. these podcasts and as I made sense of it for myself and put it out there for other people. I discovered that I could be valuable which was a whole new concept for me. Having grown up in the kind of home where I wasn't valuable. I kind of man, for whom I was definitely not part of valuable. Oh,
➡️ Annie Altman (4:22): Goose, bumpy of it. It is such a beyond our name. Parallel of Something feels off here and how do I use the things that I can control that I can do to to shift that and to help myself and help others?
➡️ Annie Altman (8:00): I'd love for you. So the thing you said about manufactured and how Behavior can become so patterned and so clear. 🟡So simple once again of literal textbook things that so many people have heard from different people which are all to me. Essentially different iterations of telling someone they're not valid, that they're experience isn't valid that their perspective isn't valid and it's It is like a script, not like it is a script of things that get said and certain actions that get done. That when you're in it, in my experience can be really hard to. Have that sort of objective and simple and calm perspective on because you're like but I need to fix it but I need to know, what why did that happen rather than being like? Oh here's the behavior. Here's the pattern. Here's the script this person's following. What do I want to do?🟡
Annie Kaszina (8:55): Mmm. Well, it's always I think we never stand a chance because this happens in the context of someone who we love and who we expect to love us. because the relationship is set up that way, outside of a family member or a partner and well, if you choose a partner kind of expect that they love you because you love them and with family, everybody knows that family loves family and then you get all of this stuff and you are under huge personal attack. so, if you can't sit back and go, That's the script. And you only learner late later when the pain takes you into learning and awareness. you try to work with the family that you have, do you know, not
➡️ Annie Altman (9:59): 🟠🟠and I, was gonna say I I personally do not, I actually will podcast share I prefer in my experience part of In myprocessing using different language and using the word relatives. And then using the word family, for people who are like, family has been part of the shift that I'm really glad you're bringing up about. Again, compassion and how to validate the perspective of no shit. You are expecting people with the family label or the partner label to be supportive and loving. And I feel like that's part of where this disconnect happens where because like you said, because you're loving someone so much the blinded by love cliche of, and then all the confusion of being like, but I love them. How is that not enough to not have this Behavior happening?🟠🟠
Annie Kaszina (11:06): I think two things happen mainly when you grow up in a fairly talk to home which is either that you go into the patterns all the abuse to people and then you grow up tremendous degree of cynicism about Life, or else you grow up. And you think it's just Having enough love, just got to do. it, you Register and you can't get it. and those of us who grew up and thought of It's just about loving more. It's like we're standing their defenses all the time and all the Hostile things that they say just land. Yeah. Yeah, the the love going, it's it's almost like
➡️ Annie Altman (12:06): toxic positivity in a sort of toxic loveing way in a sense, which I've never used that phrase of, oh, but I just have to keep loving more. I just, I need to be more loving and it can only come from this.
Annie Kaszina (12:18): Yeah.
➡️ Annie Altman (12:19): 🟡Very warm. Loving Place. Rather than the part of love that says fuck you fuck off.🟡
Annie Kaszina (12:24): Yeah. Well. We were never allowed to do that if you grow up and talk to home, you are told that I was told that family is everything blood is thicker than water. Well, it wasn't in my case. It absolutely was not.
➡️ Annie Altman (12:48): No, and 🔴🔴🔴those things can be classic script too. Of don't share, family, secrets, don't say this thing that happened hey just deal with this behavior and act like it's okay and you're okay with it and don't tell anyone about it.🔴🔴🔴
Annie Kaszina (13:00): Yeah. so nobody else will ever care about you as much as your family, and you think Jesus. you know, if this is the best time ever going to have Can't trust anyone out there. And it's really frightening.
➡️ Annie Altman (13:23): 🟠🟠It is. Bad. And it's so again for that Simplicity of course someone is going to feel worthless and feel I feel sad and down and feel that if that's what's been conditioned. Then.🟠🟠
Annie Kaszina (13:39): Yeah, you grow up to the very skewed view of the world. It's a world in which your list people are totally untrustworthy, you can expect to be unsafe. You wish all the time, you have no safety. And that is a huge, huge. Dual trauma that people are left with. You know, how do I feel safe in the world? when you weren't in your, Family of origin, you know? Almost you see, among your relatives.
➡️ Annie Altman (14:20): Thank you for, for all of this. So, how do people create safety? I would love to to hear about and I'm sure some of these things are in your books and I know some of it is on your Instagram page and I'd love to hear all. So from your own personal experience of Of how you? Both recognize all of these things and then all. So, Create that stability for yourself and through supportive community. Small. No
➡️ Annie Altman (19:17): the all of the other. Now, internet and psychology buzzwords are self parenting and re parenting, and
Annie Kaszina (19:24): all
➡️ Annie Altman (19:25): 🟡of that inner child work, that is cliche and true for for reasons. How do you give to that part? That didn't get something.🟡
Annie Kaszina (19:35): and I find that that his remarkably successful, but as far as I see the inner child is not just this sabbatical part of you, the image child is actually the feisty funny, Super Wise part that's been shut down. And that the inner child that I want to see really coming out and my own belief. Is that unless you've got your playful inner child? Really participating in your life, you're losing out. You know, one of the things I hate about the concept of adults is that there were meant to be grown up and grown ups have less fun and they play less. You know. And they have. and they laugh less, you know, How is that? Good for anyone. You know. Why do we go on being playful? Why don't we watch go and being joyful? Why don't we have the Vitality of a child? I mean we don't may not have the energy as time goes on, but why don't we have that Joy digit child has? So I'm very much about incorporating that in to the adult Bringing much more plague into life. I'm so
➡️ Annie Altman (21:14): glad you brought that up because 🟠🟠it can be such a like Bleak. And gloomy sort of, oh, you gotta love your wounded inner child and there's this other piece. That is celebrating that inner child, that is feisty and that once to play and make things🟠🟠
Annie Kaszina (21:31): Yeah. I've had some incredible that conversations with clients in a chart in a children because the The adult gets really, really heavy, you know, sort of herbs isn't working out this person, it's not going well and then we sort of say and what would you in a Child Say? And they go, oh my good job. Will tell them to fuck off just safely. You know, you're in a child is absolutely on the ball, the inner child of God, much better things to do than put up with that. You know, I could be playing like I could be doing watching television, it would be better than that. so, I think that the inner child is hugely important. Divorce. Working with one lady. who came from a culture with family is all in Port and her husband's family totally oppressed her, you know, Let's go to family functions which are remarkably frequent. She knew she was regarded as inferior and she kind of sit there and be really frightened. and, You know and intimidated by them and we worked out what her in a child wanted to do and her in a child wanted to stand on the sidelines and pull faces at them. And we worked through that scenario of the inner child standing on the side like hate you. In the empowering for her. she she the adults do that, but nevertheless sort of having Connected with her in her child. She filled a lot less intimidated and a lot more able to show up as herself and be playful and just think you don't frighten me. So all good stuff.
➡️ Annie Altman (23:45): And that distinction too of how to honor and validate that perspective and all. So how to say okay well what is me is the adult wanted to do in this situation
Annie Kaszina (23:56): and
➡️ Annie Altman (23:57): how those coexist
Annie Kaszina (24:00): Yeah, and they code this beautifully. The I think the adult gained so much. From reconnecting with the feisty in a child and The Feisty in a child and the inner child generally is so validated by having an adult. Say, hey, I really value. What you've been to be transaction. So I believe in really happy Lively out there in the children. I don't deny pain or anything but you know, it's bringing the fun and the self affirmation and yeah, so we've drifted away from compassion quite a lot, but
➡️ Annie Altman (24:52): I don't know if we have. I don't, I don't hear using that word and to me, this really feels like I appreciate you. Bring it to the Sea and also how I see it is, that is still what we're Good. We're talking about of 🟠how to have compassion for all of our different inner parts and all of because it is that that fun part that isn't receiving compassion in abusive situation, That then, of course, will spiral and say, well, I'm not allowed to exist, I'm not valid. Oh my gosh, human nature isn't supposed to be happy and enjoyable and oh my gosh, how could I be happy and enjoy myself and all of all of those things? Which to me, that is the compassion. Practice is being like, hold on. You🟠🟠
Annie Kaszina (25:44): you
➡️ Annie Altman (25:44): 🟠🟠are allowed to be happy. Human nature is mostly joyful, and yes, suffering will be there. 🔴🔴🔴Little Annie🔴🔴🔴 and all. So if it's more than half of your life, what? No, no definitely not.🟠🟠
Annie Kaszina (25:58): Yeah, absolutely. And you know the point you what I heard and point you made was just that actually it is that fabulous little kid. Who was shot down all the time you know? And essentially you know we don't want your playful, we don't want you vocal, we don't want you present. We want some little side for some little Invisible Child who just turns out and looks right. And doesn't say a word. And you know, if you don't If you're not happy, well, whatever. Because, you know, you fit into the little box that we've got
➡️ Annie Altman (26:35): 🔴🔴🔴totally well, and the thing you said earlier, too about how He did something along the lines of essentially not standing a chance against some of this. I feel like that's related to this stuff with both. Both the inner child psychological work and also the very real literal child experience where a child doesn't stand a chance against an adult in terms of any of this awareness. And we're back to the part, of course, of course, a human baby is looking for love from their family unit. And how to have compassion with that validity. In my experience, I know has been to go from knowing that in my head to knowing that in my body has been a process.🔴🔴🔴
Annie Kaszina (27:24): Yeah. Because I think what happened is that? We? A lot of the connections between head and heart are servant along the way so you can sit there and he says, oh yes, people need love. We know that they need to be validated and then heart goes. Yeah, but it's probably different for me. Yeah.
➡️ Annie Altman (27:55): Yeah. Oh yeah, and all of these things, two of I feel back again to how both how we both in our process process. These things, which is saying Okay, well, maybe if I make something for someone else, or if I have that as part of it, I can also use that as a way to practice validating myself. and having compassion for that part of me that That is talking to myself, so differently than I'm talking to someone else. And tell them, of course they were they deserve that. No, not me. Why would I
Annie Kaszina (28:34): but I'm
➡️ Annie Altman (28:40): Yeah. Which so some of that in my experience, again, has been a lot of, like, looking at the whole circular Dynamic. Where Where it becomes. I'm like oh the the classic base here is the will. Am I the narcissist and I the abuser and I the one doing this. Oh am I being selfish? If I'm and I'm making it about me to say that I don't deserve this and all of these things that can get so convoluted away from your human.
Annie Kaszina (29:16): Mmm. Well, as I was a lot in there. Yeah, as I said to you before we started, I believe that healthy human emotions are actually pretty simple. It's when they get toxic that they get complicated, So those of us who grew up in toxic homes, knew that they were an incredible. Number of rules, love was conditional and we had to Tiptoe Through The Minefield of the rules in order to get to love. But we always ended up on one of the mines fields. So, everything was complicated. Incredibly complicated, and the message you get is always. If you just get it, all right, I will love you. And you believe it, how can you not? I'm your parent. I'm your mother. I'm your father, I love you. Often the most unlucky parents say that. So, It's really hard to make sense of what is going on. And then everything is complicated. So I went from a complicated home to a husband who was an incredibly complicated man to love.
➡️ Annie Altman (30:40): Truly, I would love to hear more too about how that reflection of how we all take our family unit and how easy it can be to then play that out in romantic relationships. And then how that relates to specifically, to abuse, I know what other related all of this stuff is really
Annie Kaszina (31:04): big. It is really big. Yeah. the simplest way for me to explain it is to use my own exam, which is which is personal, but not unusual by any means. If I thought it was weird and you not relevant to because I wouldn't call. But basically, When? I met my future husband a time when my parents to take an umbrage with me big time. And my husband was attractive to me for a number of reasons. One, he was actually interested in me, he liked me, that was already a big bonus given my family. To. He was strong enough, I thought to stand up to them. and they were a family that needed standing up to three. He was actually more intelligent than my father. I knew that and Listen. Well, my father was politically to the right to the Hun. My ex-husband was more enlightened and, He seems an open sensitive guy. I thought and then I married him and The Mask fell off a bit. and, He became literally a dead ringer for my father. And I had done, which many, many of us do is we marry a variation of our abusive parents. Because it feels familiar. We know them. Which
➡️ Annie Altman (33:03): to go back to. To interrupt 🟡to connect back to Safety in my experience that's been part of it. Is that it feels safe because it's familiar.🟡
Annie Kaszina (33:12): Yeah, it feels safe. So we know exactly where we are and we haven't got the whole thing of part. We don't understand what's really going on. When I met the man who I'm with now, my lovely partner. Then. And now still I am aware that he is a totally different human being from me. He works if differently, I'm curious about his how his mind works. He doesn't feel familiar. he's the safest loveliest person I've ever met in my life but he is still separate from me and when you meet toxic person, it's the kind of meshing that happened instantly that feels like your home of orange and it's not like a home, you particularly want, but If that's your own experience you go. Yeah, that's kind of okay. Particularly forgot a bit more love coming at you. And you've heard before, yeah, that hurt you brought up of
➡️ Annie Altman (34:26): the first thing of Receiving attention. And that also in the textbook of how these relationships,
Annie Kaszina (34:34): And
➡️ Annie Altman (34:35): all of these experiences can play out of. And I've done the same thing of confusing attention for love.
Annie Kaszina (34:43): Yeah. Well, you know they attention and they make the right noise as a young most But yeah, I mean my story was asked to do classic. My parents had stopped talking to me, six weeks. Wasn't usual with me. They did things like that, but not with me and I was absolutely bereft. And then I met this man, Who talked to me, who quickly found out that my parents were talking to me, he needed a wife at the point because his mother was going to come and smother him from the country on the other side of the world where he lives, they lived. um, And he realized that I was a very vulnerable person and he, you know, he went for it. I was a classic accident waiting to happen. I didn't know. But, you know, here was someone who loved me when I've been just abandoned by my family. You know, it was irresistible. and that very much, the murders Opera and I ever noticed And yeah.
➡️ Annie Altman (35:56): 🟠🟠Preying on that vulnerability. And it's also part of what I'm hearing and have experienced is weaponizing compassion, or a fake sort of shell of compassion. This sort of similar to things you were saying of blood is thicker than water and, you know, No One's Gonna care. No One's Gonna care as much as we care about you as your family.🟠🟠
Annie Kaszina (36:19): Yeah. A narcissist, a very good at what is Termed cognitive empathy. They're very good at finding out what you need and they can actually try it out. The. the they know exactly which formula to trot out, but do they feel anything for, you know, another good trick they do is that they will sort of find out about your issues and then they'll tell you that they have the same ones. May or may not be true either way. They're only, they only care about their owners. But then, of course, the other thing is that they are competitive. So, one of the things I learned in the ones that my ex-husband issues or much, much bigger than mine and they work, because he was a second generation concentration camps of either beat that if you can, but It meant that we always had this competitive. Here, always had this competitive thing. My needs my suffering is so much greater than yours, so you just shut up because you had, you know, you had a perfectly good upbringing compared with mine. So mine at the only feeling that count. My, the only ones Japan,
➡️ Annie Altman (37:46): Which for compassion and validation is. Again textbook, giving zero compassion and zero validation to your experience. This isn't a suffering Olympic. This isn't a that doesn't invalidate someone else's suffering and also to hear you say like cool dude. If it is a competition, you win and my experience is still valid that. Yeah, yours can be worse. like if you want to make it a game Cool you win and all that still doesn't take away from Your experience. I mean yeah reminding to myself.
➡️ Annie Altman (42:50): It does it does. And the With the validation theme Here. That bypasses any sort of validation of the spot someone's currently in, and of the part like you're saying, two of you don't really know the spot even if someone tells you exactly the spot they're in you're not them, you don't know, their experience, how it feels in their body.
Annie Kaszina (43:16): Well. I go to my job to get as much information as I can to understand as much as I can. And Bye being as close to that spot as you can be detect, you enable someone to reconsider and think where's the movement here? But they are the people who can make the movement. You can't. Totally
➡️ Annie Altman (43:48): lost. This is part of why I love questions so much as is the The way to almost like, gamify to be more childlike and play with it rather than being like. Well, here's what, here's what you should do. Or here's my advice to you is like, oh, what if this was an experiment. What if this was a, you know, like how do you feel when you do this thing? How do you feel when you do that thing? Yeah,
Annie Kaszina (44:10): but did you even ask for that advice?
➡️ Annie Altman (44:14): Oh I'm talking about in the my helper part with right?
Annie Kaszina (44:18): Yeah.
➡️ Annie Altman (44:19): Yeah. Definitely on the the receiving end. yeah, that is a big another big Trope of Unsolicited advice essentially although where this is leading me down or part of this is sort of like the helper and helpless complex, Circle Game. A lot of and again, I know it's the Trope of well, what if I'm the narcissist, what if I'm the person being abusive? What if I'm the one who is? I would love for you to speak a little bit more about this both for my own personal need to or my own practice and validating. And for people listening things in your experience about how to How to validate that as part of the experience that happens here is saying well I'm maybe I'm the bad person. Maybe I deserve this treatment maybe I'm the one who, you know. Oh I'm just giving on did I give unsolicited advice to someone without asking or maybe they don't want my question or Near. How do you come back to the Simplicity here? I know another really big
Annie Kaszina (45:32): question. Well, first off, I think the person who worries about the whether they're the narcissist and the fields of certain amount of anxiety about it is not the narcissist because the narcissist is sit. There goes sitting there going You hurt me, you're a bad person. I'm a good person. I know I'm a good person. I've done file things to you, but it's only because you hurt me because you're the Master's. So if you're in anguish about being the narcissistic, you are not the narcissist. And as for being about person, I think you've really got to think about that. The kind of people who go around saying that someone else is a bad person and the kind of people who've got something to prove, I mean, how often do you go around saying? So and so is a really bad person? It's very, very unusual. So usually this is somebody else's projection and the issues that you have is not that you are bad person, but how do you actually feel that you're worthwhile person? Oh, that's the issue. You know, how do you manage to mean, a sense of self when people are being abusive towards you? And then, of course behind that is, how do you know when someone is being abusive towards you? And the simple simplest way, is that? if you have done some, Wrong. A healthy person will say to you. This is wrong. A toxic person will say to you. You did this wrong because you're a vile person, you never get it, right? You always mess up and it becomes about who you are as a post to what you've done. A healthy person will say yes this is wrong, but how can we sort this out? A toxic personal want their pound of Flesh. So that's a really important thing. Anybody who tells you what kind of rubbish? She personally, you are whatever reason has an issue,
➡️ Annie Altman (48:13): Oh this is bringing up a lot of the distinction of guilt and shame. For me of guilt being I did something bad and shame being. I am bad and I haven't before connected that so much to Relating with people and saying, well, my feeling guilt or shame from this interaction and using that to sort of navigate. Well, okay then don't surround yourself with people. Who are you feel ashamed by? Hmm. Yeah,
➡️ Annie Altman (50:24): Could you speak a little too about guilt and shame too? In some ways that really guilt teams to come up a lot here about survivors guilt and how that can be with with, you know, oh, how could I have cut them off? How could I have, whatever all of all of those things that come up in that part of this, Script here. Yeah.
Annie Kaszina (50:50): Well, for me and this thing is a blurring of guilt and shame because they go hand in hand less than. But It's I think this is sort of. Debate in the Survivor Community about self forgiveness. You shouldn't have to forgive yourself when you've done nothing wrong. But I actually I actually like this business is saying, I could give myself healthy feeling this way. I forgive myself. For feeling that I've done wrong, even though, I have to give myself to these feelings, it's actually to me a very compassionate thing to do. Owning that you didn't actually do the wrong that you thought you did. But but forgiving yourself. It goes to much deeper level for me than so. Well, I did not nothing wrong.
➡️ Annie Altman (51:56): Well, that's again that sort of narcissist Dynamic which we all have all the parts in us. We all have all of these things that is How to be passionate and valid in your own experience. I'm glad. To have. And in these Dynamic, how to forgive yourself, how to forgive the other people. how to all the different, you know, you can forgive and not forget and you can forgive and still hold different boundaries and still starting with you and starting with your own. Rather than shaming yourself for oh my gosh. How could I not have left sooner or known this sooner or men and men to say? Yeah
Annie Kaszina (52:41): you know let's be clear about this Society. A lot of abuse. We have political he just at the moment to a very good at abuse and a lot of the people who like these political need, just don't know, just the amount of the abuse that they pledged abuses normal in our society normalized. so, you know, I usually say to someone my part does abusive and they say, did he, did they hit you? And you say, no, they go for, that's not abuse. Because in their mind. That's okay. It's not. Okay. So how are you meant to have all the answers yourself and societies conspiring against you? So we stay as long as we stay because we try to make something work, we do the wrong thing for a good reason. Seems like a good reason at the time and therefore we don't need to blame us ourselves. And we also don't need to vacate our abused. As far as I'm concerned. There's no point in being consumed with anger and hatred because that's not good for you. But in the end, it's helps the individual. Nobody has to forgive somebody else is that doesn't feel right to them. But they do need to forgive themselves and they do need to let go of the need to punish the toxic person for what they did. That's not their job.
➡️ Annie Altman (54:29): Proof. And not to punish themselves either.
Annie Kaszina (54:33): Absolutely,
➡️ Annie Altman (54:34): I'm glad you brought that up to a forgiveness, not being mandatory in that distinction between Letting go of wishes for punishment Revenge, any of those things can still be separate from like completely absolve you of these actions or this whatever. And I will say in my experience. some level of forgiveness, and some level of compassion, honestly, for 🟡four other people, four people I have felt hurt by🟡 Has helped me to be more compassionate. With myself, which is maybe some of my own helper coming out still too. And also to say, There a person, too and and hold that boundary there, separate person there doing their thing.
Annie Kaszina (55:25): I think that's really difficult one that
➡️ Annie Altman (55:28): oh, yeah, awesome. I know me and like, oh yes, so I fully forgiven everyone who's caused hurt in my life.
Annie Kaszina (55:38): Yeah. You don't have to forgive them and sometimes people are in a rushed forgive because they think that is the key that will open their prison and it may not be. It may be you know, it may be something that they're not actually ready to do emotionally yet, which then it wouldn't really be forgiveness
➡️ Annie Altman (56:05): or compassion. I love you saying the rushing to it. And it's almost again. I'm just hearing all of these tropes, all of these cliche. Things of our we are in a society, we are in a culture of humans, it is normalized abuse. We are in a culture of humans that have said, only physical abuse is abuse and have totally given no validation to emotional abuse, Financial abuse,
Annie Kaszina (56:31): all
➡️ Annie Altman (56:32): sorts of other flavors of it. And we have normalized victim, blaming, and shaming to say, well, what were you doing to provoke that? Well, why didn't you just leave? Why I didn't you? All of those stories.
Annie Kaszina (56:47): So I'm
➡️ Annie Altman (56:49): really glad to hear you and to know your out there being like hold on. Hey
Annie Kaszina (56:53): Ya. And also, I have to say that my experience is often that these people to say, well, you should just leave. Are precisely the people who are living in the similar situation in denial in total denial. I've heard that so many times you find that you know they tell me this friend or that one says oh you should have just and then I say and how is there marriage? Oh it's terrible. Yeah. It's not easy just to leave.
➡️ Annie Altman (57:36): Or just to validate or just to you know magically wave of one and say I validate my own experience as a human. I talk to myself. How I talk to others done.
Annie Kaszina (57:48): Yeah, absolutely. And people get it, they get the idea. This is what I should be doing and then I listened to them, pick them up on their internal dialogue. And say, you know, telling yourself that you broke and you will never be better for you. That your life is over, this is not a very friendly way to talk to yourself. You wouldn't talk to anybody else that way. Would you make a oh, maybe no. But I just thought it was true of me, you know? No, you just don't give yourself the same. Love. And credit that you've given other person. And sometimes it can be really useful to just say what you say to yourself out loud. the amount of rubbish that we come out with inside our own heads, inside our own heads is unbelievable. If you actually say it out loud or write it down, there is a point at which you go. Really, it just adds a touch of reality. One of my favorite.
➡️ Annie Altman (59:11): Sorry you go.
Annie Kaszina (59:15): One of my favorite beliefs is that we all have an idiot brain. I work with a lot of very, very bright people very high Jesus, very bright, very creative. um, you know, my toes intellectually and yet they still can come out, they can still behave. in the most idiotic ways as can I, I'm not saying I'm better because there is a level at which Our big brains. Do nothing for us. And this is little hungry part of us that goes, you have just got to keep trying. I've just got two open. Look this, I've just got to, I just got to stay. I've just got to ignore that terrible thing. That that person did to me is going to be. Alright, this Person can still go back to being the person that I first met, or the person who probably promised there'd be one day in 1924 or whatever, and that is idiot. Green. You know. And there's my favorite belief in the side. The topic narcissist. There's a really wonderful person, just trying to get out. Come out. Inside the topic person, there's an even nasty person. Just struggling to get out. That's more like the truth.
➡️ Annie Altman (1:00:42): That is a really challenging Truth for me to sit with and accept and to kind of go back to the part of forgiveness has been a big part of my process with that too of validating. My my belief that that does say somewhere at everyone's core they are a good person because they were at one point a baby that didn't talk and wasn't able to physically hurt anyone or emotionally or financially or any of the things and all. So still to say That person is responsible for their behavior. It's I guess to go back to that thing. You were saying of, you know, how to have the yes and between Not going around being like they're a narcissist. They're a terrible person and also how to have the validation to say. 🟡This was narcissistic abuse. This was an abusive Dynamic. This behavior is not okay with me. I refused to be treated this way.🟡 And and how to have those coexist at the same time. Again, like the going from head to heart and My my heart and maybe it's my little, maybe it's some of my inner stupid brain, and maybe it's all. So, my bigger brain than maybe a little bit of each of them. Just say all humans are human. People are all people everyone wants love. Everyone has the same. Limbic digestive system here and hurt, people, hurt people, and are, perpetuating these Cycles. You're like no these people are trash. Fuck that I do know very strongly like fuck that behavior. And also then I'm gonna hold a very firm boundary with those people. I guess, all of this is going around to say, I feel badly saying, they're bad because then it feels like I'm the one shaming them when
Annie Kaszina (1:02:38): You know, the one owning. Well, you are only ever going to be the one owning your truth. I take exception to the Judgment that hurt. People hurt people, because there are a lot of hurt people who go around trying to help people hurtful people hurt people. And as a human beings, being bad, is anyone Yeah,
➡️ Annie Altman (1:03:05): that's just blew my mind. That was Hurtful people hurt. People is a
Annie Kaszina (1:03:11): wow? Yeah, because For my. From my people, the people who are hurt and doing their best, it pisses me off when they're included in this hurt. People hurt people. These people go, the extra mile to do really well by their kids when they never had parents who are cared about them. So I really I get annoyed with that personally. As regards human nature, good and bad, and so on. Thank you for sharing that too. Yeah. Oh pleasure. Um, you know I I wonder about people being bad because we can think about someone like Hitler. Did he have any good in him? As far as I'm concerned. No, absolutely not my personal position. In terms of my own family just like Share story. That tells you, my opinion, my family broke down my family gorge in broke down completely. When I was in my 20s. My brothers made it clear to me that if there's going to be a choice to be made, they were on the side of my parents. And they would just push me under the bus. Um, which wasn't a lot of fun and went through my 20s and my thirties and then I sort of forgave them. I thought said well, you know, family pathetic, whatever, and gave them another chance and much later. When I thought, all of this was old history. There was an incredible family confrontation in which they quite viciously through me under the bus again. It was an actually play of this before. And at that point, I decided, no, you're not all bad people. You know, there's there's parts of you that are very okay but as far as your concerned, as far as I'm concerned, you're known as people. I do not want you in my life. I will not have that in my life. You know, they're not actually murderers their employees, their own, family, fun, quite nice people. But as far as I'm concerned, there is a degree of toxicity about them that I don't want to know. So, I'm not judging them a waste of space and human terms. I choose to say that in my terms. They are bad for my health and I have nothing to do with them. You know, they're not in the big league of bad people. They're not up there with dictators and genocidal. Maniacs is a huge difference. but the people who will do harm to me if they can because that's just how they just have the family Dynamic works. And I don't have the time in the energy to find it. So, that's where I stand. I'm not saying it's a right or wrong. That's my position.
➡️ Annie Altman (1:06:27): I like that a lot and I also really appreciate you going to the extreme of bringing up, Hitler and saying. Okay let's let's go to this extreme example, thought experiment of is this a bad person and what does that mean? And All so that they're if everyone's a good person that is anyone a good person? And really that to to Circle again to compassion and self-compassion and self-validation to say. I feel bad with you in my life. And that is my truth. And so I'm going to make decisions accordingly period. Yeah, this isn't a debate of like whether or not they're a good person. This is how I feel.
Annie Kaszina (1:07:07): Yeah. Which
➡️ Annie Altman (1:07:08): 🔴🔴🔴then to go back to the beginning. If you've been abused often, you're taught in my experience, that I feel statements aren't safe that. They're not going to be listened to that, they're going to result in harm.🔴🔴🔴
Annie Kaszina (1:07:23): Yeah. yeah, we we are Justified to remove him from our lives, people who will continue to be home to us. Whether they want to do it deliberately or whether it's just the way they operate with us. and, In terms of my own Brothers, I just, I couldn't be both deconstructed. He was just ridiculous.
➡️ Annie Altman (1:07:58): You only have so much time and energy and
Annie Kaszina (1:08:02): yeah,
➡️ Annie Altman (1:08:03): and and all, so with that validation of like, Almost like you can't do other people's work, healing all of their things for them.
➡️ Annie Altman (1:09:56): Which to me is the compassion of it and that validation too of, that's another big mind blowing. I'm gonna be sitting with that one for a while of All of this pressure. All of this. Oh, if you forgive and you accept and who am I? Who What why would I take that on? And all. So I'm not the person who can that person is existing in their own human being Like a lot of this, I'm hearing too, is how much it becomes boundaries getting blurred and all of the sort of the meshman. So, okay, well, you're existing. Like you were saying two, that you've been learning in a healthy Partnership of Still having that separation of two separate humans.

September 22, 2020: Annie publishes An open letter to relatives [AA20a] on her blog.

⬇️ See dropdown section ⬇️

To me, this letter seems to be somewhat sarcastic. Annie is "thanking" her relatives in a way that conveys implicit criticism.
Example: "Thank you for strengthening my sense of self. I am where I am and doing what I’m doing in part because of each of you. My tenacity and gentleness to take care of myself has increased because of you. The lessons I’ve received from my relationships with you have shifted my perspectives beyond their limitations. Thank you for providing contrast." -- What I think Annie is referencing here is how her relatives screwed her out of her money and (esp. Sam) abused her for a very long time. To this, she had to adapt by developing better ways to take care of herself, and was also forced to move around in a state of relative financial poverty.
- As with the rest of the letter, Annie includes seemingly-upbeat, purposefully vague one-liners throughout the letter, such as "Thank you for providing me with contrast." (The implied negative connotation isn't too hard to infer.)

At some point "right before" [AA24v] Annie begins sex work: Annie experiences two sexual assaults. These sexual assaults intensify Annie's PTSD flashbacks to the sexual abuse she experienced from Sam when she was 4 years old.

⬇️ See dropdown section ⬇️

"I had two adulthood sexual assaults while living on Maui that triggered more flashbacks. I’m grateful for those assaults in a fucked up way, for the clarities they gifted me. Half awake feeling unequivocally, “I’ve experienced exactly this before.” Though I was more set back emotionally and financially, managing even more flashbacks of old memories flooding in and incapacitating me." [AA24b]
"The two assaults were outside of in-person sex work, both right before I started and another final straw of sorts. Adulthood assault{s} are common triggers for remembering more childhood information, patterns get repeated until they are sorted." {AA24v]

Annie gets on the SeekingArrangements.com website again. She starts escorting and in-person sex work, as a sort of last-resort means of obtaining the money she needs to survive. A particular experience with an in-person sex work client of hers causes Annie to have more PTSD flashbacks. (See: "How I Started Escorting" on Annie's blog.)

⬇️ See dropdown section ⬇️

"While deep in my own tendon and hormone and trauma healing, I turned to escorting. Most of my emotional and thought space was on various sexual healings of my own, so extending it to include others felt less intimidating. My days were hazes of PTSD flashbacks with whatever grounding exercises I could do, whatever floor yoga and stretching I could do, and physical therapy. I had to budget basic things like grocery trips based on how much I could walk or carry. I couldn’t carry heavy things or go on long walks, and could manage even shorter beach walks because of the uneven surface. I was constantly stressing about my health and money, and feeling hopeless and powerless. Being sick is very expensive, and also a very challenging state to be in attempting to make money." [AA24b]
"My ankle and knee and hips would hurt extra some days, and it wasn’t for another year when I was referred to a pelvic floor physical therapist that I knew I was also managing nerve pain." [AA24b]
"I decided to get on SeekingArrangements again, now living on Maui. My disabilities and desperation made me more open to navigate the website, and I figured it would be very different than in LA. It was different, though I was still resistant to actually meet anyone in person...{eventually,} I took the plunge to meet someone in person." [AA24b]
"The first client I ever had was in an open relationship, where his partner gave him permission for “paid play partners” that she approved of. We met on video chat, then I met him for coffee, then a few days later he was at my place. We talked, we fucked, he sent me a Venmo, he left." [AA24b]
"I logged on my computer and paid a bill I was behind on, immediately." [AA24b]
"My last escorting experience was with a man who was experimenting with his queerness, and wanted me to bring another man in. I invited a filming partner, as I had started making hardcore porn on OnlyFans and PornHub at that point. Before the filming partner came over, the client said “I’m so gay!” — while his dick was in my mouth between words of the dick about to be in his mouth — followed by “omg I’ve never said that before” and a distant stare. I felt that stare, back to a stare I’d experienced decades ago." [AA24b]
"In the shower after I prayed that would be my last experience in person, and I could switch to all virtual. I knew an article would be coming out soon quoting me in New York Magazine, and I prayed it would give me the exposure to support myself with OnlyFans." [AA24b]
While deep in my own tendon and hormone and trauma healing, I turned to escorting. Most of my emotional and thought space was on various sexual healings of my own...My days were hazes of PTSD flashbacks with whatever grounding exercises I could do, whatever floor yoga and stretching I could do, and physical therapy......My last escorting experience was with a man who was experimenting with his queerness, and wanted me to bring another man in. I invited a filming partner, as I had started making hardcore porn on OnlyFans and PornHub at that point. Before the filming partner came over, the client said “I’m so gay!” — while his dick was in my mouth between words of the dick about to be in his mouth — followed by “omg I’ve never said that before” and a distant stare. I felt that stare, back to a stare I’d experienced decades ago." [AA24b]
- ""My last in-person client came out to me as gay followed with “omg I haven’t ever said that out loud before,” as I flashbacked and did my best to stay in “work mode.” Will be more/less something when less ptsd-y" [AA24q]
From [AA24j]: "Can you imagine how much more I’ll scare them now that I’m getting my tendon/nerve/ovaries cared for, not sucking dick for rent money while my Dad’s Trust was completely withheld, and learning it’s safe and allowed for me to share my story on my terms 🥰"
From [AA--b]: "Yeah I was super sick...and houseless...and sucking "parts" for...{money?}...and so now -- well, first of all, 'cause that was some outrageously good fuckery (abuse), and -- now I'm un-fuck-with-able!"

October 1, 2020: Annie publishes the 104th episode of her podcast: 104. Change your inner-tention with Samuel Junk

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➡️ Annie Altman (33:28): Which is a very beautifully, empathetic intention is a lot of what I'm hearing there to say. How do I empathize with this? Basic human truth? That is, we all feel grief. We all feel happiness, sadness, all of these things. And also we all feel them only through one human suit and I will never be in someone else's human food to feel exactly what it feels like. inside of them and how it's both true that we have these Universal experiences and all It's so individualized. And then, how do we? respect that and have honor and Grace for that, to say, I hear you. I see you. I know what you're feeling and so I know that I don't know what you're feeling because I'm not you.
➡️ Annie Altman (38:17): well, this gets into the idea of suffering, what suffering or pain versus discomfort and all these words labels for maybe what we're allowed to feel. I I hear you on that, and this is definitely something. I I feel like I've been sitting with a lot too of this, this Paradox again of accepting that suffering and pain is part of life. Growing pains for growth to be there, there's going to be pain. and all so more joy and Hey, I feel more joyful and I focus on more joy and hey, what? I really sit back here suffering part of this life thing is way smaller than the joy part.
Speaker 2 (39:06): And yeah, I question like how much of suffering is necessary for us to feel Joy? Like
➡️ Annie Altman (39:12): I do believe I do I know some amount of it is and in my experience way less than I have previously believed.
➡️ Annie Altman (40:14): yeah, thank you. Okay, shame is ineffective. Is a word Mantra? I have been Giving and intention and attention to and shaming. Guilt are very different of Guilt being about, I did something bad and shame being about. I am bad.
Speaker 2 (40:39): And yeah, that's the distinction.
➡️ Annie Altman (40:44): The intention behind changes. If it has any route in, I am bad it. Feels bad. If you like the change doesn't stick the change doesn't feel authentic, the change feels forced. All of the feels bad for lack of a better word rather than Okay, maybe there's this guilt about something and so that can navigate me towards. Feeling good. I love you. I love you bringing up that Very simple intention and part of what I love about. So many of his quotable things of love people and tell the truth of these super simple intentions that are using words, I've been part of I've been here now, tattooed on me to use words to still get to that really Basic Stripped Away.
Intention of being in your body of feeling the somatic experience and being authentic about it rather than being like, no, I'm fine, I'm chill. Like, my shoulders are just up by my ears about. This is where they are, like,
➡️ Annie Altman (43:44): Oh, I really appreciate. I love that quote. A lot and that. That change of perspective on suffering and also using using suffering. Having an intention with suffering to say, Even just to give it the option to say, well, maybe it is creating more space for more love and more growth and more learning and more connection with people. I I feel this. This Bond and this connection that comes through software and through. the shared experience of having suffered having felt sad down to Connected. I really appreciate all you sharing vulnerably about feeling suicidal and normalizing. that suffering that that level of. What is my intention for being here? Did I chose to be here? What am I doing here? Is this worth it for me to stay here? And yeah, normalizing those thoughts, and those feelings that come up, that Similarly, to the thing of, oh, I'm noticing. I have this sensation about being recorded that. I really do feel there's so much more commonplace than people often want to share because maybe it's scarier it feels like uncool or unsexy or whatever to 🟠🟠Say hey, I thought about not being here as a human. I I'm aware. I have that option. I've I've gotten to that point and then also just in saying that right for someone else who has had that experience listening to this episode to say, wow, I've also contemplated ending my life or I've also felt like this is too much software. Like, what the fuck?🟠🟠 Wow, here's these two other people who've had a similar lived experience who In that suffering, we can be connected to say that. Well, we don't know how it feels for someone else that we've had some. Some shared feelings. And there's something so Darkly. Beautiful. Like you felt suicidal before I felt suicidal before, you're human.
➡️ Annie Altman (47:38): It's so related to intentionality. What is your why? And changing and and remembering to like you're saying of hijacking, that that Free Will, and all of these questions that were potentially, we never get to know the answers to, or we only get to know a little bits of the answers to the That we can change. our perception of it that we can choose that for all of these seas, that you're talking about compassionate, communication of Of what is Our intention? The other thing too, when you were saying that came up for me and I was not astrology language, head of All of my very capricornian, utilitarian workaholic. He things is to say, how do we give suffering a job suffering? if it just is out there, floating around in my experience takes up so much space and attention and attention and is just laying around and is it's a beautiful creative, intense force that how do we Channel it into dance and to authentic relating games into a podcast into something, to To sound like a me that me five years ago would have been like the fuck, Annie to alchemize it to optimize that suffering.
Speaker 2 (49:00): Yeah, I love that giving. Giving the suffering job. And I think
➡️ Annie Altman (49:08): picture like a job interview in the suffering comes in and it's like well this is part of how I know how to empathize with other humans and my skills include crying and hyperventilating. And I'm really good at either under eating or overeating. Oh, I love that.
➡️ Annie Altman (51:26): I love that in my experience. Yes. And also not well. as soon as I asked that question to you and getting to reflect that, 🔴🔴🔴To me a big part of suffering, is this sense that my safeties being challenged. And again, for this very somatic-y and physical, Sensations, like anxiety, and depression. It's the sense of physical. A feeling physicaly unsafe. in either the people, I'm around the environment, I'm in, in, maybe feeling, unsafe that I'm not gonna have a place to sleep, or food or my, my access to basic resources, my access to An ability to take care of myself.🔴🔴🔴 I'm also very much seeing math with pyramid in my head and that sort of how safe and suffering relates to that. And then the layers of emotional safety and spiritual safety and feeling Well okay. Also as I'm saying, all this out loud, there's the part of safety that is knowing that safety is an illusion and then feeling more safe in Remembering. Okay, cool. All of this is real. And also like what the fuck does that even mean that you're safe or like I'm holding space for you. This is an open and safe space. Like fuck, they go take a dildo up your ass, like I love you.

October 13, 2020 -- Annie publishes A foot flow to “Something Random” by Black Le’More on her YouTube channel.

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7:39 -- Annie has blue medical tape on her left ankle and foot:
9:21 -- another view of the medical tape on Annie's left ankle and foot:
9:47 -- "Nobody cares. Again, nobody cares, you're good, you will feel good in your body. I'm reminding myself here. {If} you're ever like, 'Why do people guide yoga?' They're guiding themselves. [Exhales] So, my jaw is often a place to go, with my feet and hips getting tight. Notice, maybe you're feeling it in your jaw, your neck, maybe your shoulders are like, 'Fuck this, this hurts!' Check in, say hi! Same thing, wiggle it out a little, if that feels good. {If} something's really intense, back off."
12:37 -- "Maybe one side is much tighter than the other. Maybe they're really symmetrical. Yet it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter! It doesn't matter. This side is much higher for me because of this tendon [gestures to the top of her left leg]."
13:56 -- "Say something nice to your body. You can thank your ankles, you can thank your toes. Maybe that arch is like 'Yo bitch, we gotta talk.'"
15:50 -- "We're doing this to feel better, not worse. Again, reminding myself here."
17:00 -- Annie is massaging her foot (i.e. presumably because it's injured, hurting, etc.)
17:18 -- "Come back to your breath. I know the first time, I ever did this i like interlaced my fingers when I was like [inhales sharply] gotta keep breathing, Can you say something nice about your foot? Learning that practice here. Thank you foot, thank you ankle, thank you tendons. Pretty nuts how you all work!"
27:07 -- "Slowly make your way onto your back here. Knees up, and let's knock the knees in. 'Restorative rest pose', 'constructive rest', call it whatever you want. [Lying on her back with her knees up, feet on the yoga mat] So, feet as wide as the yoga mat, knees touching, arms up. [Exhales] What can you surrender here? Maybe right between your eyebrows, maybe where your neck meets your shoulders. Maybe you're clenching your asshole. [Looks from side to side, as if talking to her various body parts] I see you. I hear you. I feel you."
29:10 -- "[Lying supine on her back, legs outstretched] One hand on your heart, and one hand on your stomach here. And just like we started, one big box breath. And then no more breathing. Bad joke."
31:15 -- "Thank you so much for giving your time, your energy, for loving on your feet, for allowing me to guide you through some amount of you connecting with you. Namaste. The darkness in me sees and honors the darkness in you. Thank you for your light and your dark. I'm gonna link Black Le’more here so you can check out his music. I'm gonna put my Venmo and Paypal, if you're able to send any donation here, if you're able to support on Patreon, or any of my other places, please check it out, and thank you again so much for tuning in. Have a nice rest your day."

November 5, 2020 -- Annie publishes Let your mind be walked on her YouTube channel.

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0:00 -- "Oohhh, let your mind be walked."
- Throughout the video, Annie sings about the general them of letting one's mind (her mind) be walked.
7:58 -- "We're all just unpacking our childhood traumas"
8:10 -- "Therapyyy, you wonder, your mind, your feels, your body. Learn, play, believe, sing things, words and meaning"
8:57 -- "Find meaning in your mind"

December 2, 2020: Annie publishes the 113th episode of her podcast: 113. Compassion the truthful with Dr. Courtney Tracy

⬇️ See dropdown section ⬇️

➡️ Annie Altman (50:22): yes, which I appreciate being so grounded and so aware of spiritual bypassing and all those things that I find can happen with this sort of like oh I'm gonna deny my Humanity. I'm gonna pretend like I'm not a human I'm going to And thanks to with like, Renee Brown of putting shame and shadows where it's like, no. I'm the ego is bad and fuck the ego of like, well, hold on. What? You're why are you denying this part of you that like you're saying, keeps you safe? That is part of navigating. 🟡This human suit through this life thing, right?🟡 That then for to go back to your definition of truth. To deny the ego from when I've done, that is adulting reality.
Speaker 1 (51:04): It is. That's so true.
➡️ Annie Altman (51:07): What are we doing then? I'd be curious too with a lot of this stuff of like podcasts or a funny example of this too because by definition podcasters. So heady how how it sort of translates with like mind-body connection and also you brought up somatic a lot of times and and we talked about different kinds of essentially 🟠🟠somatic therapy where we are feeling the truth in our body or expressing the truth in without words🟠🟠 and How those? Again how they're spaced for both of those to have like your beautiful definition, insistent, words of these different words, and then also your the truth of your podcast and your tiktok. And the things that you put out that is also Showing your truth in another way.

As noted at the beginning of this post, this post is the 6th post in a series of 11 posts that are meant to be read in order.

Now that you've read this post, you should read the 7th post ("Part 7") next:

Sam Altman's sister claims Sam sexually abused her -- Part 7: Timeline, continued continued

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LESSWRONG
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Sam Altman's sister claims Sam sexually abused her -- Part 6: Timeline, continued

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Previous posts (which you should read first)

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