One of other posts I wrote, Perceptual Blindspots: How to Increase Self-Awareness, is about being kind to your friends by breaking the social convention of niceness and making them aware of something they ought to know about themselves (even if it hurts to hear in the short-term).
Actually it's a self-insistent status grab to call oneself kind when they tend to have no money to donate and 'niceness' is the banner of the battle droid people who tend to really care and they deserve that recognition, not this additional put-down. By my framings I would say that there is more or less sub- or super-ficial niceness.
While often used synonymously, there is a subtle yet meaningful distinction between being nice and being kind. Understanding when to prioritize kindness over niceness—and vice versa—helps me better navigate social situations with both authenticity and appropriate boundaries.
Someone who is being nice is pleasant to be around, but internally their pleasantness may or may not come from a genuine place of warmth or love.
Someone who is being kind genuinely cares about another’s well-being, even if in the short-term they don’t necessarily make the other person feel good.
The distinction becomes apparent when someone is one, but not the other.
When baristas, for example, smile and ask me how my day is going, they’re being nice. They don’t actually care how I’m doing, yet I still appreciate them because they’re adding pleasantness to what would otherwise be just another mundane economic transaction.
A good mother is kind to her children, but not always nice. When she refuses to indulge her kid’s every request for ice cream, she’s not being nice in the short-term, but she’s being kind in the long-term (because she’s saving her kid from ill health, as 1 in 5 youths now have prediabetes in the US).
Living in a big city, I don’t acknowledge every stranger I pass on the sidewalk. I’m not adding pleasantness, nor am I genuinely caring for them—I’m being indifferent.
On the more extreme side, someone being an asshole is neither nice nor kind.
Mister Rogers exemplifies niceness when he waves hello to a little girl in his neighborhood, and he also expresses genuine kindness when he finds out her pet bunny is sick and he consoles her.
In fleeting interactions (like with baristas, waiters, coworkers), it’s okay to simply just be nice, without expressing genuine kindness. Asking a busy waiter how his day is really going can actually be considered rude because he has a lot of customers to serve.
And with my friends and family who I spend the most time with, I would prefer they be genuine with me rather than just nice or polite. (Though a little bit of both never hurt anyone🙂).
In my experience, getting this balance wrong—being merely polite with loved ones or trying to 'fix' casual acquaintances—can leave interactions feeling either superficial or inappropriately intense. But when I get the balance right, it leaves people feeling better off for having talked with me.