Don't have much to add but I liked this. I'm reading through Legal Systems Different From Our Own, and found this sort of an interesting complement to that (this isn't a legal system, but it seemed like a similar genre of "here is a different way that a culture has solved a particular coordination problem, and why")
I generally like the post genre of "things obvious from some cultural lens which most LW readers haven't experienced", and would like to see more like this.
Thanks for sharing. Good story and happens to give me encouragement as I seems to be falling into a (for now) LDR relationship with somebody in another country. It feels more "doable" based on this.
So glad this could give you hope! :)
Don't mean to sound harsh and this will certainly sound unfeasible if you're deep in love or lacking the resources to spark new ones, but a person, man or woman, can get much, much better than a LDR, and I make myself sorry to read about one.
If I was in you place and valued my time at all, and the expected benefit of my time alive, I'd drop the relationship and get a new one.
The One is a myth. In need of love we'll accept a lot of things we think we now think we can't, and get over them or even come to love them and think our old preferences were ridiculous. You'll probably be extremely sad for a while. If you don't make identity of it and move on with action (ie actually seeing other people, not just telling yourself 'I Need To Move On', which has the opposite effect), you'll be better off.
The One is a myth.
Yes, 100%. But really good chemistry comes in grades, in this case I feel really really good chemistry. There are probably partners "above the acceptable threshold" nearby, and if I date date long enough I might feel the same about someone else, but in this case LDR is a temporary inconvenience, I just want to make it work in LDR format until I feel good/convinced enough to turn it into N(ear)DR, which is well in my power to do.
Making my upvote known.
I wish you well and hope you’ll be able to figure out what’s real and what’s self deception when it comes to chemistry, as often it’s superficial things like “he/she resists me”, which disappear sooner or later, that drive your impression.
Everyone is different, and I'd avoid hyperbole like "if I valued my time at all". I know of a number of 15-year or longer marriages that included long distances for part of the courtship, and sometimes parts of the marriage. On the topic of this post (existence proofs for unconventional courtship success), I got 'em for LDRs.
But you should acknowledge that it's a burden, and both you and your partner will have to work harder to develop and maintain bonds when you're not near each other most of the time. And you should have a pretty good hope that the distance is temporary - I don't know of any successful cases where the couple permanently lives apart.
Agreed about the hyperbole although don't have mental energy left for reasons xyz. The question about LDRs isn't whether they exist, which they obviously do, but about whether they're not easily replaceable for a much higher reward situation, ie love in the same location.
I can now see why this comment is problematic; hidden judgements, not just facts and reasons. I’m maintaining it because I lost karma for it and don’t want to de-incriminate myself. I’m planning this comment will make me look good but not expecting karma back although I obviously want it.
It's an LDR that I intend to turn into NDR. LDR temporarily. Hope that helps.
Not retracted (I guess no more delete feature) just expanding longer comment elsewhere
I'm sorry, but you cannot really learn anything from one example. I'm happy that your parents are faring well in their marriage, but if they didn't would you have learned the same thing?
I've consulted a few statistics on arranged marriage, and they all are:
The latter part is somewhat surprising for a Westerner, but given what you say, the same should be said for an Indian coming from your background.
The only conclusion I can draw fairly conclusively is that, for a long term relationship, the way or the why it started doesn't really matter.
I'd agree that the null hypothesis (most common mechanisms work equally well) probably applies in the marriage game. I don't think Squidious was making a claim that arranged marriages are better (and I note that Squidious isn't using their parents to arrange a mate), just a claim that it can work pretty well.
Also, a less-explicit claim that many western narratives about love and marriage are misleading, in that they focus too strongly on finding a perfect match, and not enough on creating and maintaining a bond with a good-enough match. I agree with this claim, but also agree with MrMind that individual examples are existence proofs that something is possible, but not evidence for how common or available it is.
I find it funny that without data, I could easily argue either way.
From your experience of meeting people in the US and within the social groups you have had exposure to, do you think that American parents have the ability to make good matching choices?